Truth hurts…but it also sets you free. Throughout the course of our lives, we will receive all kinds of mixed messages about the truth. Some extol the necessity of truth, while others speak of the pain that it can cause. For some, truth is relative. For others, it is a weapon.

What I’ve learned in my fourteen years of marriage is that truth is a must. It is the foundation of trust, and trust is essential in a meaningful relationship. Being truthful sounds so easy, but it has proven to be difficult. Even those of us who claim to be honest, can find ourselves at a moral crossroads when posed with the age-old question – Do these jeans make my butt look big?

I know I’m making light of a very serious topic, but even a seemingly innocent question like this can create a moral dilemma in a man. If the true answer to the question is “yes,” does one tell the truth and risk hurting the feelings of the one you love? Or does one bend the truth, preserving your wife’s feelings while starting down a slippery slope of dishonesty?

Through much of my marriage, my wife (Jody) and I avoided difficult or painful truths. We both had some shadowy areas in our lives that we kept from one another. Sometimes I think we both knew that these shadows existed, but we also knew that shining a light on these shadows would create discomfort and hurt. So we lived much of our lives on the surface, failing to advance because advancing would require painful truth.

As we got older and wiser, the need for total honesty became more evident so we eventually had those uncomfortable conversations. And boy did they hurt! The hurt eventually faded though as it always does, and it was replaced by a deep respect. It also laid a solid foundation upon which we began building trust.

Jody and I have committed to being completely and lovingly honest with one another, but it’s not always easy. For me, factual truth is no problem. I can tell Jody, without wavering, about all my actions, because I don’t have anything to hide from her. My brain can recall and regurgitate facts at will.  Where I sometimes struggle is with emotional truth – explaining how I’m feeling in the moment.

I would venture to say that more men struggle with this problem than women. One of the most deceptive phrases in marriage is “I’m fine.” I’ve said it many times when I wasn’t in fact fine. Most of the time, I wasn’t intentionally trying to deceive, but I wasn’t really in touch with what was going on inside me.

Sometimes there is a state of discontent in me that I don’t fully understand until I take the time to think about it and trace the feeling to its root. It’s so much easier to say “I’m fine” than it is to self-analyze. But the easy road is seldom the right road. Strong marriages are not built upon easy. They are built upon trust – a trust earned over time through total, loving honesty.