I like big buts and I cannot lie. I typically don’t start my articles with quotes from immortal poets like Sir Mix-A-Lot. However, you will notice that my opening line reads a little differently than Mr. Lot’s timeless prose.

I’m not writing about derrières here. I’m referring to the conjunction – but. This small word separates two contrasting or contradictory ideas. I find myself using this word far too often when talking to my son. It looks something like this:

You did a great job playing defense today, but you should have tried harder on offense.

Good work on your spelling test, but what happened on your math assignment?

My compliments to my son are almost always immediately followed by a critique. I build him up…then I tear him down, often in the same breath. I have good intentions – wanting to compliment my son and help him grow in areas where he’s weak. However, a big but often negates any good I am trying to achieve.

Even though I am aware of this habit, I’ve found it difficult to change. I had been trying to come up with a better approach to this conundrum, and then the answer hit me…

As we were leaving my son’s soccer game, I heard another dad discussing the game with his son. He asked his son, “What do you think you did well in that game?” followed by “What is one thing you think could have done better?”

Brilliant in its simplicity, I promptly stole that technique and applied it after my son’s next game. And it actually worked! He told me about an area where he thought he could use improvement, and that week we worked on it. The best part was that I didn’t come off as critical, nor did I upset my son by badgering him with my suggestions.

This experience reminded me that I am a student of life. It is okay that I don’t have it all figured out. As I seek to improve as a parent and a husband, I have to be humble enough to realize that the best improvement ideas won’t always come from me.

At my work place, we follow a principle called Kaizen. Literally meaning “good change” in Japanese, we reference the concept to mean continuous improvement. We are continuously seeking ideas, big or small, for how we can do things better or more efficiently.

While I’ve transferred this Kaizen approach to my personal life, sometimes I get stuck figuring out how to make the improvement. Recognizing the need for growth can be pretty easy.  A clash with my kids or spouse sends up the red flag, but I don’t always know where to go from there.  How do I eliminate the big buts from my life?

In this instance, the answer fell into my lap, but other ideas for change aren’t so easy to find. Some answers require that I look beyond myself. I have developed a habit of regularly reading books, articles and blogs on marriage and parenting. And I also discuss these issues with other men. You would be surprised at how many of us face the same issues, but we try to find all the answers on our own instead of pooling our knowledge.

The two most important jobs I will ever have are being a husband and being a dad. But I don’t get quarterly reviews in these jobs to let me know where I need improvement.  To grow in both areas, I must live my life with the mindset of a student and keep my ego from standing in the way of accepting improvement ideas. What are the big buts in your life? And what are you doing about them?