Winston Churchill once famously stated, “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” While Churchill was talking about the fate of nations, the fate of marriage can also benefit from this observation.

Do you ever feel like you are having the same arguments over and over in your marriage? I know my wife and I have felt that way. Our disagreements often take the same form.

We share a few curt, stinging words with each other, withdraw and give each other the silent treatment until one of us breaks and admits our faults.

We have gotten much better at breaking this cycle, but for many years this unhealthy pattern played out again and again in our marriage. It didn’t matter what the trigger was. Simple acts like loading the dishwasher or speaking in the wrong tone of voice would set one of us off. And like clockwork, two days of silence would ensue.

I recently read a book called 5 Days to a New Marriage, in which the author assigned a name to this chain of events. He called it the “Pain Cycle.” The premise is that through interactions with our parents, siblings and peers during our formative years, we have engrained a certain reaction to emotional pain.

Because our brains are designed to react quickly to painful stimuli, we normally default to whatever our learned response is to emotional pain. Often that default reaction isn’t healthy.

Painful encounters with our spouse can dredge up feelings of failure, inadequacy, disconnectedness, hopelessness and insecurity that are rooted in childhood. And once those feelings arise we react with our default coping behaviors, which for me and Jody included getting defensive, withdrawing and isolating.

Our Pain Cycles tend to feed off of each other and spiral us further and further away from our spouse. The author claimed that most marriages have the same fight over and over. Though there are many triggers for the arguments, the triggers almost always produce identical results.

In that light, it is easy to apply Prime Minister Churchill’s statement to marriage. When we fail to properly look back at our personal history to understand the source of our actions, we are doomed to repeat them.

These actions are sometimes repeated ad nauseam until one, or both, of the spouses give up on the marriage. Then those same actions are often dragged into second and even third marriages.

An important first step in eradicating these unwanted behaviors is understanding their origins. As Socrates said, “Know thyself.”

Time spent in introspection revealed to me the lasting effects of being a preacher’s kid, an army brat and one who stood about a foot taller than my peers through elementary school. I often felt like I was on the outside, and conflict with my wife drags up some of those same feelings.

Acknowledging the past, we then we have to work to form new ways of thinking to break this cycle. Neuroscience has revealed that our patterns of thinking become physically engrained in our brains. Just as walking through a field over and over will wear a rut, thinking the same thoughts over and over creates a well-worn path of least resistance.

To get out of that rut, we must establish a new reaction to emotional pain, one that is born not out of past hurt but is rooted in Biblical truths. We are not alone. We are loved. We are worthy. And we must repeat these truths over and over until they have forged new paths that allow us to react to conflict in new, healthier ways.

Conflict is inevitable. Even when we love our spouses dearly, we will eventually clash over differing opinions. How we chose to react to these clashes has a major impact on the health of our marriage. Do we continue to have the same fight over and over? Or do we diffuse the conflict by fixing our half of the marriage?

Diverting from the path we have always traveled to forge a new way of thinking is difficult. It inherently means we will encounter resistance, and we will want to go back to the way we’ve always done things. But with practice, new habits become easier and easier.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).