Tag Archives: marriage

marriage, personal growth

Adventure in El Salvador

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My wife and I recently made a quantum leap from our comfort zone in small-town Ohio to south-central El Salvador. In February, we ventured with a group of gringos to a small island called La Calzada for a week.

We were equipped with a sense of adventure, our life stories and the belief that the restoration we’d experienced in our own lives might spark growth or hope in the lives of others.

If, like me, you have never ventured to Central America before, your mental picture of El Salvador may be fuzzy. I had previously traveled deep into Mexico so I had images of rocky farm land. I envisioned dirty cities tightly packed with humble abodes. I anticipated there would be vendors aggressively peddling their wares.

I saw all of that en route to our final destination. But over the course of our week on the island, I saw so much more.

A 30-minute van ride from the airport delivered us to a bustling port town where we schlepped our luggage into a flat-bottom boat. After another half hour of cruising through densely-packed mangroves, we arrived at our destination.

The air hung thick with smoke from burning trash. The wheels of our luggage bogged down in the layer of fine dirt that comprised the road on which we walked. A short hike landed us in the homestead where we would reside for the next week.

Scoping out our new digs, my first thought was something like, “Toto, we’re not in Kansas anymore.” My wife and I did get our own room, for which we were grateful, but the outhouse outside our room made me anxious.

As I was settling into the room and processing the new environment, a bat proceeded to join me, darting through my personal space like bats tend to do. I stifled my girlish screams and ran from the room like a scene from Ace Ventura. And I thought, “What are were doing here?!?”

What are we doing here?!?

What we did there was meet a lot of people. We heard a lot of stories. We shared our own. We laughed with the locals. We prayed with them. We gave a shoulder to cry on. We distributed food, clothes and reading glasses. We didn’t do anything extraordinary.

This week, though, was definitely beyond my ordinary. For one, I had no cell phone reception. The high-tech distraction that regularly beckons me to piddle my time away only served as a camera.

In the absence of email, TV, video games, social media or any media, there was more time to talk to my wife and to take in the beauty of creation. I absolutely loved it!

This journey helped me to recognize the things I often take for granted like indoor plumbing, air-conditioning and paved roads. Perhaps the greatest resource that I take for granted is time. I always assume I’ll get more of it, that tomorrow will bring another opportunity to do things I didn’t get to today.

It’s okay of I work a little too long or if I fritter my evening away shopping for cars, even though I’m not in the market for a car. There will be another time to spend with the kids, to get healthy or to take my wife on a date. I have deceived myself into this thinking.

Today, as I sit in the shadow of this adventure, I strive to recapture and rekindle that feeling of gratitude for the conveniences we have in our country and for my largely bat-free life. But mostly I want to remember that my time is far too precious to waste.

Tomorrow isn’t guaranteed. I should be investing more of my time in the people I love and in the causes that matter to me.

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.

-Psalm 90:12
marriage & parenting, personal growth, self health

3 Days in the Hospital – 3 Lessons Learned

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Last week I was plucked from my life for three harrowing days. Stripped of my belongings and even my clothes, I was locked away from the world with my every move being monitored. I was stabbed repeatedly and even injected with radioactive material.

I was in the hospital.

After a couple day of dealing with dubious chest pains, I thought it prudent to visit my local ER with the hopes that they could dispel my suspicion of heart attack. Three days later, after running a gauntlet of examinations, an automatic sliding glass door powered open granting me freedom from the medical center.

Long story short, I did not have a heart attack, but I do have an enlarged right ventricle which will require that I log more hours in the sterile spaces of our health care system.

Three days of torturous day-time TV and conversations about mortality, afford one a lot of opportunity to reflect on life and to think about the things that truly matter. Three observations stuck with me and are still bouncing around my head as I still linger in the shadow of this experience:

  1. My family’s needs supersede my own. I HATE going to doctors. I avoid them at all costs, even at my own peril. If it were up to me, I would opt out of my company’s heath care program and stock up on duct tape and gauze. But I’m regularly reminded that it’s not about me. I’m the leader of my home, and my family’s needs take precedence over my preference. If I were a single guy, I would have skipped the ER. I would have washed down a pair of Ibuprofen with some beer and hoped for the best. But, it’s not about me.
  2. I need people in my life. As a raging introvert who’s pursuing the rugged individualistic American dream, I try to weather most storms on my own. I don’t like to bring people into my messes. I posted no selfies in my hospital gown because I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me or reaching out to me. Frankly, there’s something wrong with that approach to life. Some did find out about my condition and reached out to me to encourage me. I needed that. It made a difference. I felt fairly isolated from humanity during my stay, like a con locked in the bing. Freedom came in the form of encouraging words.
  3. I need to be more humble. Okay, this thought wasn’t some grand revelation. I knew this already. I’ve been praying about humility and about breaking down my wall of pride for some time. In a way, this experience was an answer to prayer. Being wheeled through a hospital in an open-backed gown, unshaven, unbathed, blood-stained, exhausted is a humbling experience. Remembering the frailty of the human condition gives laser focus. Recognizing that I’m not in control, nor have I ever been in control of my life is reorienting. I needed all that

Friends, we are all going to find ourselves in positions from which we want to escape. I almost yanked out my IV and ninja-walked out of that hospital on day two. But I trusted there was some reason I was there, and that I would take something away from the experience. I hated it in the moment though.

If you find yourself in such a situation today, my encouragement would be to figure out why you’re there. God brought you to it. How do you need Him to equip you or change you to get through it? Don’t face it alone. You are not alone.

If you need someone to talk to, you can email me at jwilloughby443@gmail.com or call (800) 273-8255 to talk to a professional.

marriage, personal growth, self health

In Our Darkest Valleys We Need Hope

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Oasis isn’t just a terrible band from the 90’s with a front man who had more attitude than ability. (Full disclosure – I still like their song “Wonder Wall.”)

An oasis is something that is off in the distance that offers hope. It is a watering hole in the desert. It is dreaming of a beach vacation in the dead of winter. It is a meal at the end of a fast.

An oasis is the promise of something greater than what we are currently enduring. We all need a carrot of hope dangling in front of us to get us through tough times.

Sometimes the valleys through which we travel may not be that tough. We may simply find ourselves stuck in an emotional, spiritual or relational rut. The days run together, and gray skies seem to linger incessantly.

Other times we find ourselves treading some very rough roads. We must deal with loss, disappointment, unfulfilled dreams, betrayal, illness or other forms of brokenness that make it difficult to even find the motivation to get out of bed.

Whether we’re just feeling the winter blues or we’re living through hell, we all need hope. I know because the last decade of my life has seen both of these seasons.

I’ve had times when it was difficult to distinguish one day from the next, when finding motivation was challenging. And I’ve trudged through some painful, dark valleys brought on by the loss of my sister and the near loss of my marriage, when I found it difficult to even put one foot in front of the other.

What got me through both seasons was hope. It was the recognition that life is a series of peaks and valleys, and no matter how deep the valley, it can’t last forever.

I wasn’t always a believer in the Bible, but a particularly long dark stretch brought me to the Word seeking hope. What I found within its pages were story after story about people who endured hardship and thrived in the face of it.

There were no promises of easy lives. But there were many promises that we will be shepherded through difficulty, that hardship can change us for the better and that we have access to strength beyond what we think possible.

Even after emerging from the darkest period of my life, I still find myself in seasons where I struggle to find joy. If you’ve lived through winter in Ohio, you probably know what I’m talking about.

To get through these seasons, I have to find little oases in my life. I look for glimmers of hope. I remind myself that spring always comes after winter.

One of the ways I do that in my marriage is by scheduling what my wife and I call an ‘annual abandon.’ We go on overnight trips without our kids. It’s a break from the routine and gives us something to look forward to.

We also enjoy date nights with some regularity. We try to make these dates happen monthly, but it can be difficult with two young kids and limited baby-sitting options.

I also look for small daily oases. They come in the form of prayer/meditation in the morning, family time in the evening, home-cooked meals, walking my dog, holding hands with my wife while watching TV or movie nights with the kids.

They aren’t extravagant events, but these simple moments bring joy and make the stress and drudgery of work all worth it.

If you are simply stuck or drowning in darkness, I encourage you to find your own glimmers of hope. Even if an annual abandon is outside of your scope at the moment, look for an oasis each day.

There is so much joy and wonder in the world if you look at it right. Figure out what brings you joy. Focus on it, and move towards it.

 

marriage, personal growth

Relationships Are Like Cars

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A few years back, my car’s battery died at the most inopportune time. It was at night, in February, and winter winds lashed my face with wet snow as I jump-started the car back to life. The worst part was that I knew my battery was going to die.

A couple of weeks earlier, I’d found myself in a similar situation, in a parking lot, listening to the deafening silence of my car failing to start. Only on that occasion, I jiggled the battery cables, and by some miracle, the car started up. But a little red light flickered to life in my dashboard imploring me to take corrective action.

‘Check engine,’ my car begged.

‘Nah,’ said I.

After all, checking an engine requires time and money. I decided to push my luck, which ran out two weeks later.

I work in the auto industry, in service parts purchasing, and without fail, we see increased demand for batteries in the winter. The additional strain put on batteries in cold means that many of us will find ourselves stranded in parking lots, wishing we’d been more proactive.

Seventeen years of marriage have taught me that relationships are kind of like cars. Both require a lot of maintenance.

Those of us who are smart will invest our resources in preventive maintenance. The rest of us will find ourselves stranded wishing we’d have done something about the warning lights.

When my own marriage was pushed to the brink of divorce, I could look back over the years and see all kinds of indicators that were illuminated that should have prompted me to action, which I promptly ignored.

There have been several studies done on ‘Marital Satisfaction Over Time,’ and when shown on a graph, it looks like a U-shaped curve. Happiness in marriage begins dropping almost immediately after the honeymoon.

Before your car even loses its new-car smell, your will start to lose some of your luster in your spouse’s eyes. It’s predictable, just like knowing that you’ll have to replace a car battery every 3-5 years.

Sadly, when spouses start to feel their satisfaction slipping, many want to trade in for a newer model. The problem with new models is that they eventually become old models. And if our satisfaction and joy are solely based on other people, we will continually be let down.

That inevitable decline in marital bliss doesn’t mean we should resign ourselves to accept mediocre marriages though. There are so many ways we can fight against the tide of divorce. Primary among them is attending events or classes that equip us for lifelong love.

I need regular reminders of what it means to be a great spouse. We all do.

There is a powerful event coming up on February 9th and 10th at Ginghamsburg Church called Refine Us. Justin and Trisha Davis will share their story as a springboard to help couples choose the path to healthier marriages.

I’ve learned the hard way just how much I need this kind of advice. I will be there front and center, taking notes. I hope to see you there too.

personal growth

Less Is More

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As we wrap another orbit around the great gaseous ball of fire in the sky, humans scamper about our terrestrial sphere busier than ever, clamoring for more.

More stuff. More hobbies. More causes. More rights. More voices. More vices. More of everything.

More isn’t inherently bad. As we dream of what is to come in the year ahead, many of us are thinking of positive ‘mores’ we want in our lives.

We want to spend more time with family. We want to develop more healthy habits. We want to pursue more meaningful lives. We want more joy in our marriages.

But even in positive contexts like these, more can sometimes be harmful. As I think of the direction in which I want to grow and the healthy habits I want to adopt, I find I can bite off more than I can chew. I can set resolutions or goals that are too lofty or too broad.

If I say I want to be healthier or I want to be a better husband in 2018, I set myself up for failure because I haven’t defined what actions I’ll take to achieve this goals. When I read a blog that gives me 10 ways to have a happier marriage, if I go after all 10, I probably won’t achieve one of them.

While I do have overarching goals of becoming healthier and being a better husband, if I don’t break these large goals down into manageable, realistic tasks, I will never move forward.

If you have spent any time in the business world, you’ve probably heard of SMART goals. The acronym stands for Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely.

For me, setting targets that are relevant, specific and attainable are the only way I will actually have success.

  • Relevant – How does it tie into my bigger goals? Will it be impactful to my loved ones or me?
  • Specific – What exactly am I going to do? Who, what, when and where?
  • Attainable – Can I actually achieve success in this area? Will I actually do what needs done?

For example, I want to be a better leader in my home. To that end, I will be scheduling family meetings in 2018. I have already purchased a white board calendar and a white board where I can schedule the meetings for all to see and to jot down our meeting notes.

Our first few meetings will revolve around establishing a family mission statement. So I have already listed out questions to guide our conversation. And I have committed to this goal in front of men in my life who will hold me accountable.

These are some of the specific and realistic measures I’m taking to move me towards being a better leader in my home. They aren’t that difficult or ground breaking, but they are happening.

I have set a few other goals for 2018, and they are similar to this one in that I am taking specific actions to move towards mile markers that I know I can hit. And they are moving me in the overall direction I want to go as a Christian, as a husband and as a dad.

I’m not going to win a Pulitzer Prize in 2018 or chisel my abs into a six pack. But I know I will take several small steps that will move me forward in my journey. And I will end 2018 a better man than I am now.

marriage

The Best Marriage Advice I Have Heard Lately

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The best marriage advice that I have received recently was this – emptiness.

I know; bear with me. I too sat skeptically back with arms folded when the speakers at the marriage simulcast flashed this word on the screen.

I was imagining an existential state of emptiness where nothing matters. But in this state of emptiness, things matter. People matter.

The speakers (Les & Leslie Parrott) are a married couple who explained that the way to move our marriages towards deeper intimacy is to empty ourselves of the need to change our spouse.

Achieving this emptiness is not easy, because most of us possess some innate drive to bend others’ wills towards our own. I want things done a certain way – my way.

If you don’t drive like me, you are an idiot.

If you don’t vote like me, you clearly don’t understand how the world works.

If you root for that team up north, something is fundamentally flawed in your DNA.

While none of these things are true it is easy, in my pridefulness, to believe them. I do the same thing in my marriage.

I just know there is a ‘best way’ to do most things around our house. In fact, I wrongly assume that I know the best way to do most things, period. When I cling too tightly to my certainty and to my rightness, it leaves a lot of room for those around me to be wrong, especially those who live in my house.

I think the speakers were onto something with this idea of emptiness. In Buddhism, emptiness is a state for which one strives. They teach of emptying self of preconceived ideas to see the true nature of things and events.

Jesus also requires an emptiness of sorts. He called himself ‘living water,’ and in that time, water was transported in clay vessels. Man is referred to throughout the Bible as a vessel. If we are vessels, and He is living water, we must empty ourselves before we can invite Jesus in.

I don’t know about you, but I am most often filled to the brim with my own junk. I have poured myself full of pride, selfishness, busyness, stress, anxiety, anger and gallons of meaningless filler. I am so full of all those things that it sometimes spills onto those around me.

I pour out my pride on my wife and my anger on my kids. My life is saturated with self-induced stress.

The times in my life when I have experienced the most peace are when I dump these dregs down the drain. When I empty some of myself, I create room for grace, patience and understanding

My effort empty myself starts at 5:30 each morning. After brief physical exercise to wake myself up, I have a time of meditation and prayer. To be honest, even quieting myself for 5-10 minutes isn’t easy for me.

But I repeatedly pray a simple prayer – ‘Less of me. More of You.’

The days when I actually live into this mantra tend to be better days than those when I go around slopping myself on the world around me. Some days I just have to get out of the way.

Emptiness begets fullness.

marriage & parenting

A Tale of Two Hospitals

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Last month, I had a day that started and ended in hospitals…two different hospitals, in two different counties, by the side of two different family members.

That was not my favorite day.

The first visit was a planned procedure for my wife. Arriving at the hospital at 6 AM, we were advised that Jody should be ready to go home six hours later.

I entertained visions of all the tasks I could accomplish in those hours and still return to the hospital before Jody’s anesthesia wore off.

But when Jody mentioned to the nurse that I was going to leave and come back, the nurse shot a glare at me that said, ‘What kind of heartless-monster are you?’

So I canned my dreams of yard work and resigned to the fact that my next six hours would be spent devouring every issue of Better Homes and Gardens and O Magazine that I could lay my hands on.

I did end up leaving the hospital briefly to grab breakfast, which elicited another ‘heartless-monster’ stare. Apparently, nurses are trained to deliver that stare to dopey husbands like myself.

Six hours of reading women’s magazines sort of felt like ten, but I survived and got some great recipes for summer salads. Oh yeah, Jody survived too.

Fast-forward five hours, and I am prepping the grill for dinner. My eleven-year-old son (Alex), who was shooting baskets in the driveway, bursts into the house frantically, trailing a stream of blood. He falls to the ground holding his toe, blood pooling on the floor.

And my response was, “Alex are you kidding me!?” It is responses like that which may prevent me from winning the Father of the Year award yet again.

But my reaction was based on the fact that two weeks earlier he burst through that same door missing a large patch of skin from the same toe. After which, we had an extensive conversation about the benefits of wearing shoes while playing basketball.

Apparently, my pro-shoe argument was not persuasive enough, and as a result, I found myself speeding up the interstate for my second hospital visit of the day.

Two hours and three stitches later we were home. Both of the patients were on the mend, and my patience was mending as well.

As I lay in bed that night reflecting on my day, I wasn’t pleased with my responses to the situations in which I found myself. I should have known that my role as a husband meant I was going to sit in the waiting room for six hours. The nurses’ glares told me that should have been a foregone conclusion, but it wasn’t for me.

And I should have reacted better to my son’s injury. My concern for his well-being should have trumped my anger. Both of my reactions were born out of selfishness. I was worried about my time and my inconvenience. As the leader of my home, my concern for my family needs to be on par or above my own.

I quietly and humbly recognized that in the still of the night and prayed for the strength and wisdom to react better.

Here’s to hoping that happens. And here’s to hoping I never have another two-hospital kind of day.

marriage

Skate or Die

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I am 41, and I still dress like I am 14. My closet is full of skateboarding t-shirts, and most often you’ll find Vans on my feet.

I actually do own some nice clothes and spend 40 hours a week looking like I live in a Dockers commercial. But I always return to what is comfortable for me.

I haven’t even stood on a skateboard for at least a few years. And the last time I checked, my skateboarding abilities had greatly diminished over the last 25 years. There was a time, though, when I was skilled.

I first started skating around 11 years old, and over the five years that followed, I invested countless hours honing my abilities. By the time I was 16, I was proficient with a skateboard.

Over the next couple of years, this hobby would fizzle from my life. But skateboarding, as part of my identity, stuck. In the 25 years since then, I have had many other hobbies and interests, but my first love for seven-ply decks and polyurethane wheels still lingers.

A few formative years in my youth forged a portion of my identity that has transcended nearly three decades. The formation of a life-long label happens to many of us.

For some, we learned we were good at something as an adolescent, and we obsessively honed that area of our lives. And though we no longer play football, gig in a band or dance competitively, those are still key pieces of our identity.

Others had negative labels applied to our lives early on that still haunt us. Even though I was good at skateboarding, I was mostly terrible at traditional sports. Standing 6-foot-3, many folks assume I possess some basketball abilities. They assume wrong.

My ineptitude at sports still affects me to this day. When someone asks if I want to play basketball, I flash back to seventh grade and feel like that lanky awkward kid who was bound to embarrass himself.

I know I am not alone. We all have tags that have been placed on us. Whether we were clumsy, weird or we just made some poor decisions along the way, we have all likely had negative labels applied to our lives.

Even worse, we have probably applied some of those labels to ourselves. We tag ourselves as not good enough, not smart enough or not attractive enough – when in fact we are enough.

We do the same in our relationships. When our marriage hits rocky patches or we don’t measure up to the social media feeds of our friends, we tag our relationship as damaged.

When our dreams of a fairy tale marriage dissolve into the reality of broken vows and violated trust, we label our relationship as irreconcilable.

When we identify our spouses as lazy, uncaring or self-centered, the more we view them through that lens. Then it becomes easier to see all of their habits that support this view and harder to see the positive traits they possess.

My suggestion (learned the hard way) – lose the labels. Don’t tag your relationship with a label that will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

If you view your relationship as beyond repair, it won’t be repaired. If you see your spouse as unworthy, you won’t recognize their worth. If you see yourself as not enough, you’ll never be enough.

 

marriage

Marriage Is A Beautiful Mistake

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I love JRR Tolkien. I know that is a bold declaration.

Making an obvious statement like that is like declaring that ‘I hate genocide’ or ‘I am pro-vacation.’ It is a forgone conclusion. I mean, who doesn’t love Tolkien’s adventure stories?

Beyond Tolkien’s brilliant prose that’s led many a reader on epic journeys of the mind, he was also a prolific proponent of marriage. Married for over 55 years to his teenage sweetheart, Tolkien held a very healthy, pragmatic view of marriage, which he passed on to future generations.

In a letter to his son Michael, Tolkien mused:

“Nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes: in the sense that almost certainly (in a more perfect world, or even with a little more care in this very imperfect one) both partners might have found more suitable mates. But the ‘real soul-mate’ is the one you are actually married to.”

As brilliant as Tolkien was, I don’t think Hallmark was beating down his door to write Happy Anniversary cards. The thought that most of us could have married mates that better suit us, but we’re stuck with what we have doesn’t exactly warm the heart.

The notion of a soul-mate, of a single person who is destined to come riding across a rainbow on a unicorn to complete us, is rubbish. But I love how Tolkien concludes the thought – your soul-mate is the one you’re married to.

My wife and I could not be more different. I am fairly certain that Match.com would never have paired us up. We are a classic odd couple who are polar opposites in many areas of our lives.

While this has created conflict over the years, it is also a strength. We nudge (sometimes more than a nudge) each other out of our comfort zones. Many couples, though, let their differences break them instead of strengthen them.

Tolkien went on to say, “When the glamour wears off, or merely works a bit thin, they think they have made a mistake, and that the real soul-mate is still to find.”

This notion that there is somebody better out there who will really get us and who will better meet our needs is what drives many to divorce. When our spouse becomes deficient at recognizing our needs, or worse – we think they are intentionally neglecting needs, the appeal of others can grow in our minds.

The idea that we deserve more is a seed the enemy plants in our mind. And far too often, we water that seed and nurture it after an argument, when our spouse fails to pick up their socks again or has stayed too late at work once more. We give life to this noxious weed until it chokes out our marriage and blossoms into infidelity, divorce or lifelong disappointment.

The seed we should nurture is the idea Tolkien shared – we are married to our soul-mate. We should focus on what is awesome about them.

What drew us to them in the first place? What are their most compelling traits? What do they do that makes us smile? What do they do that makes us proud? How have their differences challenged us to grow?

When you find the answers to these questions, dwell on them. Share them with your spouse. And when your spouse disappoints, return to these thoughts.

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Life’s A Beach

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I am tan. It is almost a freakish, George Hamilton kind of tan.

I just returned from a two-week vacation in Florida where my family paid homage to the great fiery ball in the sky by basking in its rays for longer than humans probably should.

We all survived without any major sunburns though. And we got to spend some much-needed time recharging our batteries while hanging out with our extended family.

I am actually not much of a beach guy. I go to the beach every year because my family loves it, but I would rather spend my vacation exploring our world. I know – the sacrifices I am willing to make for my family!

There are, however, things I definitely enjoy about our beach vacations. Seeing family, digging giant holes in the sand, consuming mass quantities of aquatic life and not being at work top the list. I also like to simply float in the ocean. I go beyond the breaking waves, lay on my back, close my eyes and just float.

It is relaxing to me. I am becoming more buoyant with age, so it is easy to drift in the ocean with very little effort.

At some point though, a wave hits me or I find that I have drifted awkwardly close to another family. So I have to get upright, gain my bearings and figure out how far I’ve traveled from my condo.

Because inevitably as soon as my feet lift off the sandy ocean floor, I begin to drift. This year as I lay atop the salty sea floating farther and farther from my family, it occurred to me how easily it is to drift in life. This happens regularly in my marriage.

Through 17 years of marriage, if I have learned anything, it is that I have to be deliberate and intentional to be a good husband. I cannot just float through my marriage and hope for the best, because as soon as I stop working at it, I begin to drift.

Much like the ocean, there are forces at play beneath the surface that will drag us far from home if we are not actively working against the tide. Our lives are awash with commitments, addictions, hobbies and a myriad of distractions that, like an undertow, will pull us from our spouses.

I floated through the first decade of my marriage. I thought bringing home paychecks, not cheating on my wife and taking her on a date once a year made me a pretty good husband.

I was wrong.

I drifted for years before I finally realized just how far I had gotten from my wife.

And I still have natural tendencies like introversion, selfishness and pride that will set me adrift if I don’t actively fight against them.

For me, the best ways to stand firm against the tide are to ensure I’m rooted through daily prayer, intentional communication with my wife and regular reminders (through classes or books) of what makes a great husband.

Have you drifted in any areas of your life? What are you doing to get back to shore? What should you be doing?