Tag Archives: humility

personal growth, self health

Be Careful What You Wish For

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My kids’ Halloween candy is finally gone. Fewer and fewer rotting pumpkin carcasses reside on porches in my cookie cutter community. Santa statuettes marched their way into stores a month ago. And cupid is already waiting in the wings sharpening his arrows and marketing ploys.

In the harried pace of our modern existence, there is danger in not making the time to reflect, to breathe in the moment and to think about the ‘why’ more than the ‘what.’ The great Barry White once implored listeners to “Slow Your Roll.”

I need that reminder to slow down, to process and to reflect. Today as I slow my roll, I am looking back over my summer. I faced some challenges during that three-month span, and I want to ensure that those trials were not encountered in vain.

I have spent a lot of time over the past couple years trying to harness humility. For me humility isn’t a lowly state where I am have no opinion and no voice.

The humility I’m pursuing is one where I am not the center of the universe, where I am more empathetic and aware of the needs of people who I encounter every day and where I am compelled to action to serve the needs of those people.

When I am lacking in humility, my priorities become misaligned. I lose sight of the bigger picture. I do damage to my relationships. So I have been prayerfully focused on this trait.

And I’ve learned to be careful what I ask for, because I just might get it. This summer I encountered three humbling incidents that helped me grow in this area:

The first was a health scare. After some unusual chest pains and faintness, I ended up in the hospital for four nights. Aside from an enlarged right ventricle, I am okay.

But this stay reminded me of how fragile we humans are. In an instant, our world can change. Life is short. That’s not an ad campaign. It is truth.

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. – Psalm 90:12

The second humbling event was being a leader at a church camp. Spending a week in the woods with kids, was a solid reminder that I need to be more childlike. In the woods, you are stripped of possessions and titles.

There was no me-time, no fancy food. There was no self-importance. But there was fun, singing, laughing, budding friendships and a distinct sense that there is more to life than what we see.

And [Jesus] said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 18:3

Lastly, I ran over a chunk of concrete on the highway that destroyed my car’s exhaust and took it out of commission for two weeks. I drive a luxury car that I have personalized and have spent a lot of time caring for. The car feels almost like an extension of me. I didn’t realize how much of my identity is wrapped up in that car until I lost it for a couple weeks.

Possessions, no matter how precious they may seem, do not matter. They all fade. A life spent pursuing things is a life wasted.

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. – Matthew 6:19-21

I am stubborn, so sometimes my life lessons have to take the shape of a 2×4 upside my noggin. I don’t particularly enjoy those moments, but I recognize their importance. I need them to put me in my place.

We should all try to remember our place in the universe. Here’s a hint – we don’t reside at the center.

parenting, personal growth

3 Lessons Learned from 3 Nights in the Woods

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I recently checked an item off my bucket list that, truth be told, was never actually on my bucket list. For the first time ever, I went to a church camp.

I was assigned a fourteen-year-old junior leader, given an unairconditioned cabin and entrusted with the well-being of four 10-11 year-old boys. I spent three nights in the woods hustling from one activity to the next, eating thoroughly mediocre camp food and hoping that these boys were hearing messages that might change their lives someday.

It wasn’t an easy time. By the end of our stay, I was exhausted. My tolerance for pre-teen boys was sapped, and I used up every bit of extroversion that this introvert could muster.

I needed alone time to recharge my batteries. I needed sleep. And I needed a shower.

Although camp came with some challenges, it was also very rewarding. One of the boys in my cabin was my son Alex. He’s the main reason I signed up to be a leader. I trusted this would be an experience that neither of us would ever forget. I wasn’t disappointed.

As I look back over the days spent at camp, there are a few ideas I want to ensure I remember:

  1. Say ‘YES’ to discomfort. When my wife first mentioned the possibility of being a leader at a church camp, I came up with all kinds of reasons why I shouldn’t do it. Taking off three days of work was at the top of my list. But I’ve learned that the most meaningful experiences in my life have occurred when I stepped outside of my routine and took on a challenge that I didn’t want to take on. Comfort is the enemy of change. The four days spent at this camp were void of the comforts that I cling to in life. It was awesomely uncomfortable!
  2. Be more childlike. Children possess some wonderful qualities that most adults have had wrung out of our lives. It wasn’t so long ago that I was a carefree boy, but seeing the contrast between these kids and myself reminded me of some traits that I’d like recapture. These boys haven’t set in concrete their opinions and prejudices. They were goofy. They made friends almost instantly. When they got upset at something or someone, they forgot about it 10 minutes later. I want to be more like them.
  3. I need more silliness in my life. One of my favorite parts of camp happened each night when we retired to the cabin to wind down. Each kid retired to his bunk with snacks in hand, and pre-lights-out silliness ensued. They goofed on each other. They made up names for each other. They talked about how awesome they were. And we laughed…a lot. It reminded me of when I was a kid. It also reminded me that silliness helps to lighten our load. It is good for the soul.

In the days leading up to this camp, I was dreading my decision to go, but in the days after, I found myself smiling at the memories. It affected me, and I trust that it affected the kids as well. I formed some lifelong memories with my son, and it sure beat sitting in front of a computer at work.

If you’re ever given an opportunity to do something like this, fight against your desire to say no. Step out on a limb.

Get uncomfortable. Get dirty. Get tired. Get blessed!

marriage & parenting, personal growth, self health

3 Days in the Hospital – 3 Lessons Learned

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Last week I was plucked from my life for three harrowing days. Stripped of my belongings and even my clothes, I was locked away from the world with my every move being monitored. I was stabbed repeatedly and even injected with radioactive material.

I was in the hospital.

After a couple day of dealing with dubious chest pains, I thought it prudent to visit my local ER with the hopes that they could dispel my suspicion of heart attack. Three days later, after running a gauntlet of examinations, an automatic sliding glass door powered open granting me freedom from the medical center.

Long story short, I did not have a heart attack, but I do have an enlarged right ventricle which will require that I log more hours in the sterile spaces of our health care system.

Three days of torturous day-time TV and conversations about mortality, afford one a lot of opportunity to reflect on life and to think about the things that truly matter. Three observations stuck with me and are still bouncing around my head as I still linger in the shadow of this experience:

  1. My family’s needs supersede my own. I HATE going to doctors. I avoid them at all costs, even at my own peril. If it were up to me, I would opt out of my company’s heath care program and stock up on duct tape and gauze. But I’m regularly reminded that it’s not about me. I’m the leader of my home, and my family’s needs take precedence over my preference. If I were a single guy, I would have skipped the ER. I would have washed down a pair of Ibuprofen with some beer and hoped for the best. But, it’s not about me.
  2. I need people in my life. As a raging introvert who’s pursuing the rugged individualistic American dream, I try to weather most storms on my own. I don’t like to bring people into my messes. I posted no selfies in my hospital gown because I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me or reaching out to me. Frankly, there’s something wrong with that approach to life. Some did find out about my condition and reached out to me to encourage me. I needed that. It made a difference. I felt fairly isolated from humanity during my stay, like a con locked in the bing. Freedom came in the form of encouraging words.
  3. I need to be more humble. Okay, this thought wasn’t some grand revelation. I knew this already. I’ve been praying about humility and about breaking down my wall of pride for some time. In a way, this experience was an answer to prayer. Being wheeled through a hospital in an open-backed gown, unshaven, unbathed, blood-stained, exhausted is a humbling experience. Remembering the frailty of the human condition gives laser focus. Recognizing that I’m not in control, nor have I ever been in control of my life is reorienting. I needed all that

Friends, we are all going to find ourselves in positions from which we want to escape. I almost yanked out my IV and ninja-walked out of that hospital on day two. But I trusted there was some reason I was there, and that I would take something away from the experience. I hated it in the moment though.

If you find yourself in such a situation today, my encouragement would be to figure out why you’re there. God brought you to it. How do you need Him to equip you or change you to get through it? Don’t face it alone. You are not alone.

If you need someone to talk to, you can email me at jwilloughby443@gmail.com or call (800) 273-8255 to talk to a professional.

marriage, personal growth

Relationships Are Like Cars

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A few years back, my car’s battery died at the most inopportune time. It was at night, in February, and winter winds lashed my face with wet snow as I jump-started the car back to life. The worst part was that I knew my battery was going to die.

A couple of weeks earlier, I’d found myself in a similar situation, in a parking lot, listening to the deafening silence of my car failing to start. Only on that occasion, I jiggled the battery cables, and by some miracle, the car started up. But a little red light flickered to life in my dashboard imploring me to take corrective action.

‘Check engine,’ my car begged.

‘Nah,’ said I.

After all, checking an engine requires time and money. I decided to push my luck, which ran out two weeks later.

I work in the auto industry, in service parts purchasing, and without fail, we see increased demand for batteries in the winter. The additional strain put on batteries in cold means that many of us will find ourselves stranded in parking lots, wishing we’d been more proactive.

Seventeen years of marriage have taught me that relationships are kind of like cars. Both require a lot of maintenance.

Those of us who are smart will invest our resources in preventive maintenance. The rest of us will find ourselves stranded wishing we’d have done something about the warning lights.

When my own marriage was pushed to the brink of divorce, I could look back over the years and see all kinds of indicators that were illuminated that should have prompted me to action, which I promptly ignored.

There have been several studies done on ‘Marital Satisfaction Over Time,’ and when shown on a graph, it looks like a U-shaped curve. Happiness in marriage begins dropping almost immediately after the honeymoon.

Before your car even loses its new-car smell, your will start to lose some of your luster in your spouse’s eyes. It’s predictable, just like knowing that you’ll have to replace a car battery every 3-5 years.

Sadly, when spouses start to feel their satisfaction slipping, many want to trade in for a newer model. The problem with new models is that they eventually become old models. And if our satisfaction and joy are solely based on other people, we will continually be let down.

That inevitable decline in marital bliss doesn’t mean we should resign ourselves to accept mediocre marriages though. There are so many ways we can fight against the tide of divorce. Primary among them is attending events or classes that equip us for lifelong love.

I need regular reminders of what it means to be a great spouse. We all do.

There is a powerful event coming up on February 9th and 10th at Ginghamsburg Church called Refine Us. Justin and Trisha Davis will share their story as a springboard to help couples choose the path to healthier marriages.

I’ve learned the hard way just how much I need this kind of advice. I will be there front and center, taking notes. I hope to see you there too.

marriage

The Best Marriage Advice I Have Heard Lately

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The best marriage advice that I have received recently was this – emptiness.

I know; bear with me. I too sat skeptically back with arms folded when the speakers at the marriage simulcast flashed this word on the screen.

I was imagining an existential state of emptiness where nothing matters. But in this state of emptiness, things matter. People matter.

The speakers (Les & Leslie Parrott) are a married couple who explained that the way to move our marriages towards deeper intimacy is to empty ourselves of the need to change our spouse.

Achieving this emptiness is not easy, because most of us possess some innate drive to bend others’ wills towards our own. I want things done a certain way – my way.

If you don’t drive like me, you are an idiot.

If you don’t vote like me, you clearly don’t understand how the world works.

If you root for that team up north, something is fundamentally flawed in your DNA.

While none of these things are true it is easy, in my pridefulness, to believe them. I do the same thing in my marriage.

I just know there is a ‘best way’ to do most things around our house. In fact, I wrongly assume that I know the best way to do most things, period. When I cling too tightly to my certainty and to my rightness, it leaves a lot of room for those around me to be wrong, especially those who live in my house.

I think the speakers were onto something with this idea of emptiness. In Buddhism, emptiness is a state for which one strives. They teach of emptying self of preconceived ideas to see the true nature of things and events.

Jesus also requires an emptiness of sorts. He called himself ‘living water,’ and in that time, water was transported in clay vessels. Man is referred to throughout the Bible as a vessel. If we are vessels, and He is living water, we must empty ourselves before we can invite Jesus in.

I don’t know about you, but I am most often filled to the brim with my own junk. I have poured myself full of pride, selfishness, busyness, stress, anxiety, anger and gallons of meaningless filler. I am so full of all those things that it sometimes spills onto those around me.

I pour out my pride on my wife and my anger on my kids. My life is saturated with self-induced stress.

The times in my life when I have experienced the most peace are when I dump these dregs down the drain. When I empty some of myself, I create room for grace, patience and understanding

My effort empty myself starts at 5:30 each morning. After brief physical exercise to wake myself up, I have a time of meditation and prayer. To be honest, even quieting myself for 5-10 minutes isn’t easy for me.

But I repeatedly pray a simple prayer – ‘Less of me. More of You.’

The days when I actually live into this mantra tend to be better days than those when I go around slopping myself on the world around me. Some days I just have to get out of the way.

Emptiness begets fullness.

marriage & parenting

A Tale of Two Hospitals

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Last month, I had a day that started and ended in hospitals…two different hospitals, in two different counties, by the side of two different family members.

That was not my favorite day.

The first visit was a planned procedure for my wife. Arriving at the hospital at 6 AM, we were advised that Jody should be ready to go home six hours later.

I entertained visions of all the tasks I could accomplish in those hours and still return to the hospital before Jody’s anesthesia wore off.

But when Jody mentioned to the nurse that I was going to leave and come back, the nurse shot a glare at me that said, ‘What kind of heartless-monster are you?’

So I canned my dreams of yard work and resigned to the fact that my next six hours would be spent devouring every issue of Better Homes and Gardens and O Magazine that I could lay my hands on.

I did end up leaving the hospital briefly to grab breakfast, which elicited another ‘heartless-monster’ stare. Apparently, nurses are trained to deliver that stare to dopey husbands like myself.

Six hours of reading women’s magazines sort of felt like ten, but I survived and got some great recipes for summer salads. Oh yeah, Jody survived too.

Fast-forward five hours, and I am prepping the grill for dinner. My eleven-year-old son (Alex), who was shooting baskets in the driveway, bursts into the house frantically, trailing a stream of blood. He falls to the ground holding his toe, blood pooling on the floor.

And my response was, “Alex are you kidding me!?” It is responses like that which may prevent me from winning the Father of the Year award yet again.

But my reaction was based on the fact that two weeks earlier he burst through that same door missing a large patch of skin from the same toe. After which, we had an extensive conversation about the benefits of wearing shoes while playing basketball.

Apparently, my pro-shoe argument was not persuasive enough, and as a result, I found myself speeding up the interstate for my second hospital visit of the day.

Two hours and three stitches later we were home. Both of the patients were on the mend, and my patience was mending as well.

As I lay in bed that night reflecting on my day, I wasn’t pleased with my responses to the situations in which I found myself. I should have known that my role as a husband meant I was going to sit in the waiting room for six hours. The nurses’ glares told me that should have been a foregone conclusion, but it wasn’t for me.

And I should have reacted better to my son’s injury. My concern for his well-being should have trumped my anger. Both of my reactions were born out of selfishness. I was worried about my time and my inconvenience. As the leader of my home, my concern for my family needs to be on par or above my own.

I quietly and humbly recognized that in the still of the night and prayed for the strength and wisdom to react better.

Here’s to hoping that happens. And here’s to hoping I never have another two-hospital kind of day.

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Sometimes I Need Smacked – Sometimes A Whisper Will Do

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stooges2A few days ago, my wife described to me a concept she’d read about called a ‘Sacred Echo.’ The idea is that when God communicates with us, the really important messages get repeated over and over – through books, songs, the words of a friend, TV, a sermon at church, a random email, etc.

I explained to my wife that I knew exactly what she meant, having experienced it several times in my own life. But I use a far less elegant term to describe it – ‘God Smack.’

God often has to smack me upside the noggin with a message before the light bulb clicks on above my head.

My life can get so busy, and I can get so focused on insignificant things that I sometimes fail to hear the information being communicated through the world around me. Can you relate?

Most of us have probably experienced moments when an undeniable thread runs through our lives, mending together a patchwork of seemingly random events or encounters. And when we take pause from the disarray of our days to process the pieces into a whole, we realize we are being called to action.

Most often it’s a subtle echo. Occasionally it’s a smack to the head.

One such undeniable calling in my life has been humility. I have been hit with this word many times, and for good reason. I don’t practice it nearly enough.

Like a stooge, I sometimes have to be dragged by the ear and receive a poke to the eyes before I take notice of the need for change in my life.

In the past decade, I’ve received a couple of messages so undeniable that only a fool would fail to heed them. My sister passing away at a young age and my wife telling me she thought we would be better off divorced shook the foundation of my world.

Both helped me see how little I sought to please anyone in this world other than myself. And both were catalysts for major life changes.

HUMILITY – right upside my temple – twice!

These events hurt deeply and led me to realize that I don’t ever want to sit around waiting for a blow to my dome to prompt me to grow.

I am reminded daily of my need for humility when I listen, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do more often -listen.

I tune into my wife’s needs, listening for unspoken cues. I look for how my actions are reflected in my children, for areas I need to change as a parent.

Perhaps most importantly, I respond to internal nudges towards more selfless acts. Well, sometimes I respond to those nudges, and sometimes I still pretend I don’t hear them.  I’m a work in progress.

The world around us whispers to us daily but often gets drowned out by our busyness and self-focus. My suggestion – be vigilant. Keep your ears and eyes open.

What instruction or calling is echoing through your days? Listen for it. Act on it. Save yourself from a smack upside the head.