I am not a big fan of ‘reality’ television. Many of the shows in this genre are scripted or staged with the intent of creating conflict among the cast members. Calling these shows reality is a bit like calling Jerry Springer a pillar of society. However, there are a couple of these programs that embed a camera crew smack dab in the middle of people’s lives giving viewers glimpses of some pretty insane realities.

Hoarders and Cops were two guilty pleasures for me. I no longer have cable, and Cops was dropped from a major network so I haven’t seen either in a long time. But when I had access to these shows, there was something about them that drew me in.

A big part of the appeal of these programs was that they made me feel better about my own life. I mean my house may not be clean, but at least there are no dead cats in my living room. And I may have some relationship problems, but at least my wife has never stabbed me with a steak knife for using the last of the crystal meth…not yet anyway.

I relished in the messiness of these people’s lives because it made mine feel like less of a mess. When it comes to setting the bar for my life, I haven’t always placed it very high. Avoiding dead cats and steak knife stabbings is pretty much the bottom rung.

This way of thinking – of measuring myself against others – has been pretty toxic in my life. And it has actually kept me from growing in some areas. For several years, I compared my efforts as a husband and as a father to those around me.

Thoughts like “At least my marriage is better than ___,” or “At least my kids are better behaved than ___” fooled me into thinking I had my stuff together. These comparison statements all have one thing in common – the word ‘least.’ I used to set my sights on minimal achievement levels.

A perennial C student of life, I failed to envision what my marriage could be or how I could be a better dad. What would it look like if I strived for the most in these areas of my life instead of being content with knowing that at least I was better than someone else?

Eventually, I learned that all of the settling and compromising I’d done left a lot to be desired by my wife and son. My basic goals of avoiding conflict and trying to be just slightly better than those around me left me my family feeling unfulfilled and lacking in leadership. From the outside, my life looked pretty good, but the inside might as well have been filled with dead cats. My life was kind of a mess.

I still find myself using this comparative kind of thinking, but these days, more often than not, I’m comparing me to myself. I know I’m not the best me I can be, but I’m better than I was last year…and way better than I was five years ago. This way of thinking actually helps to perpetuate my growth. And it keeps me from belittling others in my mind or from beating myself up because I don’t measure up to someone else.

My ultimate goal is not just avoiding being stabbed or keeping up with the Jones’s but to measure up to the standards laid out in the Bible. I want to be humble, patient, loving, disciplined, compassionate and forgiving in every encounter. I am definitely not there yet, but I have a much clearer vision of who I am striving to be. And as I look back, I can see just how far I’ve come.