Unless you have been living on another planet, you’ve likely heard the term “Men are from Mars – Women are from Venus.”
Even as a kid, I remember a less cerebral version of this saying that we chanted on the playground: “Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider! Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars!” Perhaps instead of going to Mars, we boys should have gone to English class to learn grammatically correct methods of insulting the girls.
One of my favorite illustrations of gender differences comes in the form of a song from comedian Sean Morey. Titled “He Said, She Said,” the song brings light to how men and women communicate differently. Here are a few lines:
She said, “You look handsome today dear.” – He heard, “I just bought something really expensive.”
He said, “I’m thinking about buying a motorcycle.” – She heard, “I’m in the mood for a BIG fight.”
She said, “It was fun visiting your mother.” – He heard, “You owe me big time!!”
He said, “Would you mind squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom?” – She heard, “Do you mind living with an anal-retentive neurotic?”
There are many sayings and jokes that all drive home the point that men and women, boys and girls are very different creatures. Even as children, gender differences are vast, and that divide grows even wider with age.
We think, speak, act, remember and approach problems differently. We relate to others differently. And we give and receive love differently.
When you add into the mix each person’s unique upbringings, life experiences, cultural differences, age gaps and birth order, it starts to seem like a miracle that any marriage stands the test of time. And yet, they do survive…and even thrive. We are different by design.
The first chapter of the Bible gives insight into our design. Verse 27 reads, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Men and women each uniquely possess traits that reflect the nature of our Creator.
At birth, before society has implanted any notion of gender roles, we are intentionally wired differently. The design of marriage is to join those different traits to make us better than we could be on our own.
My wife and I are certainly have contrasting backgrounds and personalities. And while those differences sometimes lead to disagreements in our marriage, they also serve us well. I am a very cautious, neat, solitary, calculating person who tends to be a little too clinical and tentative. My wife on the other hand is a very spontaneous, fun, outgoing, loving person who others are immediately drawn too.
Sometimes our differences make it difficult to understand each other’s motives or to see life through the other’s eyes. But when we are able to assume the best in each other and not let our differences divide us, those differences become strengths that push us toward growth.
If not for my wife, I would have let fear or anxiety sideline me on multiple occasions. She challenges me and calls me to action. I am learning from her what it means to demonstrate love. If not for me, my wife likely would have declared bankruptcy years ago. And the seed for her faith was planted by me. The combination of head and heart that we bring to our marriage has made us so much better than we could be on our own.
The Gestalt psychologist Kurt Koffka was famous for his idea that, “The whole is other than the sum of its parts.” This notion is perfect for marriage as two very different parts unite to form a whole that is more complete and well-rounded than the individuals are alone. And that whole is closer to God’s image than the parts can ever hope to be.