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marriage

The Day I Wanted To Rip A Man’s Arm Off

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One of the most difficult things that I’ve ever witnessed, and felt powerless to do anything about, was seeing another man flirt with my wife.

I have seen it numerous times – another man showboating for my wife, laughing a little too hard at her jokes, overly excited to see her, intrigued by everything she has to say, lightly touching her arm or shoulder, stupidly grinning from ear to ear, unaware of (or at least unconcerned about) my presence.

There is a switch that flips in me in those moments where my nice guy façade is replaced by a man who believes he could literally rip another man’s arm from its socket. Now, I have never ripped another man’s arm off, but in those moments, I’d sure like to give it the old college try.

Over the past weekend, I attended a men’s conference where the speaker shared that he’d had similar experiences, minus the severing of limbs. He shared that from across the room he saw another man clearly flirting with his wife, and that anger began to well up. Then a small voice inside cut through the anger and said, “You should be flirting more with your wife.” Ouch!

That line struck me hard. I don’t remember everything that was said at the two-day conference, but those words are still ringing in my ears a week later. Thinking about how little I flirt with my wife made me want to rip my own arm off and smack myself with it.

So in the name of reducing severed arm injuries, I’m going to pass along advice that was passed on to me at that event. Here are 10 ways we can flirt with our wives:

  1. Spend time with her alone
  2. Listen to her deeply – without distraction (phone, TV, computer)
  3. Touch her – not as a means to an end, but simply holding hands or putting your arm around her
  4. Accept her unconditionally
  5. Be committed to her – especially with your eyes
  6. Encourage her with your words
  7. Take care of her financially
  8. Laugh with her
  9. After God, make her your top priority
  10. Be her best friend

In 15 years of marriage, if I’ve learned one thing about women, it’s that they want to feel accepted, loved and wanted just as they are.

Even though I know that to be true, I sometimes find it hard to translate that knowledge into action, but these 10 actions are pretty sound ways to make that happen.

I can’t control other men hitting on my wife. She’s beautiful and outgoing, and that draws men to her.

But what I can control is how I act towards my wife. I can build her up. I can show her how important she is to me and remind her how beautiful I find her. I can make another man’s flirting less of a threat simply by doing a little flirting of my own.

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Why I Keep Going to Marriage Conferences

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megaphoneA couple weeks ago, my wife and I attended our fourth marriage conference. Having been to so many of these, I thought a free t-shirt might be in order. I was wrong.

One might think after my third conference, I would be a subject matter expert and wouldn’t need to attend any more of these events. But I am a slow learner.

Every time I leave one of these conferences, I take away something different, because the messages strike me differently depending on the context of my life. Each of the events met me at a different stage in my marriage, and each gave me different ideas for how to be a better husband.

This weekend’s message about the different communication needs of men and women struck me right between the eyes, because in the context of my own marriage, I still struggle in this area. The need for improvement really hit me on the car ride home after the first day’s session.

Jody and I had a small disagreement that led to a long silent car ride home.  A half hour feels like an eternity when you are in a car with your spouse who is giving you the cold shoulder.

I felt so ashamed to be that couple that gets in a fight on the way home from a marriage conference…to be the husband who still doesn’t get it. So I thought, why not put it in writing and share with anyone interested? This is who we are, warts and all. My hope is that sharing our junk with others will give hope to someone somewhere.

This particular tiff started over something so small, but don’t they always? I won’t go into all the details, but non-verbal communication was at the core of the disagreement. Because I am so quiet, my wife is often left to guess what my actions mean. And my socially-awkward actions sometimes conspire to convince her that I’m not happy with her when that is truly not the case.

So I have to fight against my instinct for quiet solitude and remember to regularly reassure my wife, letting her know that I love her and that I think she is beautiful. Even though I know this to be true, I still struggle to transform this knowledge into action. It just doesn’t come naturally to me.

When the speakers got on stage Saturday morning, they shared that every woman needs this reassurance. To paraphrase the words of Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn, your wife may know you love her, but there will be times when she needs to be convinced and reminded – sometimes repeatedly.

According to the Feldhahns’ research, most women worry that their relationships may be 3-4 arguments away from ending. They need reassured that we would choose them all over again and that we don’t see divorce as an option.

When my wife and I have disagreements like the one we had this Friday night, it’s easy for me to think that the issues stem from her neediness. But this weekend pointed out that my wife’s needs don’t spring from some personality flaw or deficiency. I learned that many of the things that perplex me about my wife are signals that she is feeling insecure about our love or the relationship.

That is why I keep coming back to these conferences, not looking for a free t-shirt, but because I continue to learn how to be a better husband. These events spark dialogue between us, and they increase my understanding of the fairer sex. What man couldn’t use that?

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Marriage-Changing Event

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b&w holding hands2One of the habits of highly effective people is “sharpening the saw” – investing time and effort in self-renewal. There are many facets of my life that need sharpening, but one area where I have been keenly focused is becoming a better husband.

This weekend I had a pretty vigorous sharpening session as my wife and I attended a day-long “Marriage-Changing Event.” With our kids safely stowed at my parents’ house, we trekked to Chicago and spent our Saturday listening to renowned relationship experts talk about the keys to successful marriage.

I was struck by the sense of urgency among all of the speakers as they discussed the many negative impacts that broken marriages have on couples, their children and our society as a whole. One speaker shared the idea that, “Every divorce is the death of a small civilization.”

This notion that the loss of many small civilizations is contributing to the decline of our large civilization is one of the reasons I write this column. The destructive ripple of divorce leaves irreparable, irrefutable damage in its wake. The statistics on the social ills that result from divorce are too numerous to list here, but they are shocking.

My own marriage nearly became a statistic several years back as the “D-word” was discussed. But through the grace of God, we fought for our marriage and became part of a more encouraging statistic that was shared at the event. A study showed that 80% of couples who nearly divorced but ended up staying together were “very happy” in their marriage.

One of the key concepts I heard repeated through the event was the need for humility. How many fights could be avoided, pain prevented or divorces diverted if we weren’t so strong willed and selfish? One speaker shared that, “The richness of your marriage is in direct proportion to the sacrificial investments you make.”

Our society teaches that comfort and happiness are paramount, so the thought of putting others needs above our own seems foreign. As soon as the going gets tough, the covenant vows of marriage often go out the window. We seek happiness in things, experiences and in other people but like a carrot on a stick happiness eludes us.

I will be the first to tell you that my wife and I don’t have it all figured out. We even experienced some snippiness with each other during our marriage retreat weekend. But we’re both working on cultivating humble hearts that allow us to apologize and quickly forgive one another.

We have come to understand, through many trials, that the joy in our marriage isn’t based on fleeting emotions. Rather, we are learning to submit our wills to serve one another and follow Biblical guidelines for marriage. And because of it, we have achieved levels of intimacy, honesty and hope that eluded us for a decade.

It is so easy to wear down in marriage, to let the drudgery of daily living dull us. It happens to us all. We simply lose focus on what matters most. That’s why I attend events like this, read books on marriage, talk to other married men and practice self-discipline…to stay sharp and to be the man I am called to be.