A couple weeks ago, my wife and I attended our fourth marriage conference. Having been to so many of these, I thought a free t-shirt might be in order. I was wrong.
One might think after my third conference, I would be a subject matter expert and wouldn’t need to attend any more of these events. But I am a slow learner.
Every time I leave one of these conferences, I take away something different, because the messages strike me differently depending on the context of my life. Each of the events met me at a different stage in my marriage, and each gave me different ideas for how to be a better husband.
This weekend’s message about the different communication needs of men and women struck me right between the eyes, because in the context of my own marriage, I still struggle in this area. The need for improvement really hit me on the car ride home after the first day’s session.
Jody and I had a small disagreement that led to a long silent car ride home. A half hour feels like an eternity when you are in a car with your spouse who is giving you the cold shoulder.
I felt so ashamed to be that couple that gets in a fight on the way home from a marriage conference…to be the husband who still doesn’t get it. So I thought, why not put it in writing and share with anyone interested? This is who we are, warts and all. My hope is that sharing our junk with others will give hope to someone somewhere.
This particular tiff started over something so small, but don’t they always? I won’t go into all the details, but non-verbal communication was at the core of the disagreement. Because I am so quiet, my wife is often left to guess what my actions mean. And my socially-awkward actions sometimes conspire to convince her that I’m not happy with her when that is truly not the case.
So I have to fight against my instinct for quiet solitude and remember to regularly reassure my wife, letting her know that I love her and that I think she is beautiful. Even though I know this to be true, I still struggle to transform this knowledge into action. It just doesn’t come naturally to me.
When the speakers got on stage Saturday morning, they shared that every woman needs this reassurance. To paraphrase the words of Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn, your wife may know you love her, but there will be times when she needs to be convinced and reminded – sometimes repeatedly.
According to the Feldhahns’ research, most women worry that their relationships may be 3-4 arguments away from ending. They need reassured that we would choose them all over again and that we don’t see divorce as an option.
When my wife and I have disagreements like the one we had this Friday night, it’s easy for me to think that the issues stem from her neediness. But this weekend pointed out that my wife’s needs don’t spring from some personality flaw or deficiency. I learned that many of the things that perplex me about my wife are signals that she is feeling insecure about our love or the relationship.
That is why I keep coming back to these conferences, not looking for a free t-shirt, but because I continue to learn how to be a better husband. These events spark dialogue between us, and they increase my understanding of the fairer sex. What man couldn’t use that?