Tag Archives: anxiety

parenting, personal growth

3 Lessons Learned from 3 Nights in the Woods

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I recently checked an item off my bucket list that, truth be told, was never actually on my bucket list. For the first time ever, I went to a church camp.

I was assigned a fourteen-year-old junior leader, given an unairconditioned cabin and entrusted with the well-being of four 10-11 year-old boys. I spent three nights in the woods hustling from one activity to the next, eating thoroughly mediocre camp food and hoping that these boys were hearing messages that might change their lives someday.

It wasn’t an easy time. By the end of our stay, I was exhausted. My tolerance for pre-teen boys was sapped, and I used up every bit of extroversion that this introvert could muster.

I needed alone time to recharge my batteries. I needed sleep. And I needed a shower.

Although camp came with some challenges, it was also very rewarding. One of the boys in my cabin was my son Alex. He’s the main reason I signed up to be a leader. I trusted this would be an experience that neither of us would ever forget. I wasn’t disappointed.

As I look back over the days spent at camp, there are a few ideas I want to ensure I remember:

  1. Say ‘YES’ to discomfort. When my wife first mentioned the possibility of being a leader at a church camp, I came up with all kinds of reasons why I shouldn’t do it. Taking off three days of work was at the top of my list. But I’ve learned that the most meaningful experiences in my life have occurred when I stepped outside of my routine and took on a challenge that I didn’t want to take on. Comfort is the enemy of change. The four days spent at this camp were void of the comforts that I cling to in life. It was awesomely uncomfortable!
  2. Be more childlike. Children possess some wonderful qualities that most adults have had wrung out of our lives. It wasn’t so long ago that I was a carefree boy, but seeing the contrast between these kids and myself reminded me of some traits that I’d like recapture. These boys haven’t set in concrete their opinions and prejudices. They were goofy. They made friends almost instantly. When they got upset at something or someone, they forgot about it 10 minutes later. I want to be more like them.
  3. I need more silliness in my life. One of my favorite parts of camp happened each night when we retired to the cabin to wind down. Each kid retired to his bunk with snacks in hand, and pre-lights-out silliness ensued. They goofed on each other. They made up names for each other. They talked about how awesome they were. And we laughed…a lot. It reminded me of when I was a kid. It also reminded me that silliness helps to lighten our load. It is good for the soul.

In the days leading up to this camp, I was dreading my decision to go, but in the days after, I found myself smiling at the memories. It affected me, and I trust that it affected the kids as well. I formed some lifelong memories with my son, and it sure beat sitting in front of a computer at work.

If you’re ever given an opportunity to do something like this, fight against your desire to say no. Step out on a limb.

Get uncomfortable. Get dirty. Get tired. Get blessed!

marriage

The Best Marriage Advice I Have Heard Lately

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The best marriage advice that I have received recently was this – emptiness.

I know; bear with me. I too sat skeptically back with arms folded when the speakers at the marriage simulcast flashed this word on the screen.

I was imagining an existential state of emptiness where nothing matters. But in this state of emptiness, things matter. People matter.

The speakers (Les & Leslie Parrott) are a married couple who explained that the way to move our marriages towards deeper intimacy is to empty ourselves of the need to change our spouse.

Achieving this emptiness is not easy, because most of us possess some innate drive to bend others’ wills towards our own. I want things done a certain way – my way.

If you don’t drive like me, you are an idiot.

If you don’t vote like me, you clearly don’t understand how the world works.

If you root for that team up north, something is fundamentally flawed in your DNA.

While none of these things are true it is easy, in my pridefulness, to believe them. I do the same thing in my marriage.

I just know there is a ‘best way’ to do most things around our house. In fact, I wrongly assume that I know the best way to do most things, period. When I cling too tightly to my certainty and to my rightness, it leaves a lot of room for those around me to be wrong, especially those who live in my house.

I think the speakers were onto something with this idea of emptiness. In Buddhism, emptiness is a state for which one strives. They teach of emptying self of preconceived ideas to see the true nature of things and events.

Jesus also requires an emptiness of sorts. He called himself ‘living water,’ and in that time, water was transported in clay vessels. Man is referred to throughout the Bible as a vessel. If we are vessels, and He is living water, we must empty ourselves before we can invite Jesus in.

I don’t know about you, but I am most often filled to the brim with my own junk. I have poured myself full of pride, selfishness, busyness, stress, anxiety, anger and gallons of meaningless filler. I am so full of all those things that it sometimes spills onto those around me.

I pour out my pride on my wife and my anger on my kids. My life is saturated with self-induced stress.

The times in my life when I have experienced the most peace are when I dump these dregs down the drain. When I empty some of myself, I create room for grace, patience and understanding

My effort empty myself starts at 5:30 each morning. After brief physical exercise to wake myself up, I have a time of meditation and prayer. To be honest, even quieting myself for 5-10 minutes isn’t easy for me.

But I repeatedly pray a simple prayer – ‘Less of me. More of You.’

The days when I actually live into this mantra tend to be better days than those when I go around slopping myself on the world around me. Some days I just have to get out of the way.

Emptiness begets fullness.

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My Kind of Minimalism

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Last week Jody and I watched a film called Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things. This was not a feel-good piece, but the movie was definitely thought-provoking.

At the film’s end Jody posed a simple question, “What are you going to do about it?”

I don’t yet know the specific answer to that question, but my general answer is ‘something.’ I want to do something about it.

For the uninitiated, The Minimalists are a couple of former corporate lackeys who exited the rat race, forgoing their six-figure salaries and their cocoons of comfortable possessions to pursue more meaningful lives.

According to their own words, Minimalism is, “a lifestyle that helps people question what things add value to their lives. By clearing the clutter from life’s path, we can all make room for the most important aspects of life: health, relationships, passion, growth, and contribution.”

This was a fitting film to watch during Lent. The forty days we spend in this season are meant to be more intentional and more focused. We strip away the habitual and nonessential to clear the path to clarity during these weeks.

These 40 days represent the time Jesus spent in the wilderness enduring temptation. During his time in the desert, He was promised all the kingdoms and riches of the world if He would only compromise his principles. Yet He didn’t waiver to the allure of excess.

Before the documentary’s credits were even done rolling, Jody was ready to put a For Sale sign in our yard. While I am not quite ready to make that leap, the idea of stripping away unnecessary spending and the resulting clutter has great appeal to me.

As I traversed this Lenten season, stripping away the unessential was a focal point. But my brand of minimalism has been focused on mental and emotional clutter. I am thinking less of the things I need to remove from my life and more of thoughts that are weighing me down.

What lies are keeping me stuck?

What unhealthy mental patterns play out in my life?

What areas of my life have I put on cruise control?

Where do I need to grow? What is keeping me from growing?

What unimportant pursuits am I allowing to steal my time?

What habits should I let go of?

What thoughts should I let go of?

These are the questions that have been burning in my mind during Lent – questions further stoked by this documentary. What mental and emotional baggage am I carrying that is cluttering up my life?

I struggle with self-inflicted anxiety and stress. I worry too much about what people think about me and often overcompensate as a result. These stressors lead me to be impatient and angry, sometimes with the folks I love the most.

These are just a few pieces of the baggage I carry – the clutter that creates discontent in my life.

What am I going to do about it?

Something…definitely something.

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Fear Not

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alex fishing2The sea was angry that day, my friends. Well, angry probably isn’t the right word for it…more like serene. The waters were pretty calm that morning as my son (Alex) and I waded knee-deep in the Gulf of Mexico.

On a recent vacation to Siesta Key, Florida, Alex and I spent the morning scanning the warm coastal waters for minnows.

With a net in hand, we searched the ocean diligently for over two hours trying unsuccessfully to nab at least one of the elusive little fish. During our excursion, Alex had the idea that we should try our luck at the Point of Rocks. It is what it sounds like – a rocky outcropping that forms the southern point of a crescent-shaped beach.

I have been to this beach several times, but I always viewed the Point of Rocks from afar. The idea of leaving the powder-soft sand to venture into unknown rocky depths had no appeal to me.

Don’t judge me; I have delicate feet. But where I saw the potential for scraped up soles, Alex saw the opportunity for adventure. These minnows were Alex’s Moby Dick, beckoning to be caught.

I fought against my instincts for foot preservation, and we trekked all through the craggy coastline. In the process, I did bang up a few toes on the rocks and scraped my heel pretty good, but they were just flesh wounds. The whole time we were walking through the rocks, I had to fight my urge to retreat to the sandy shore where I knew no toes would be injured.

But I resisted and we pushed on quite a while, enjoying some much needed father-son bonding time. Ultimately, we still didn’t catch any fish, but Alex enjoyed the adventure. The whole time, I was a breath away from passing along my fears to my son and from ending our fishing venture early. In the end I was so glad that I didn’t let fear keep us from trying something different.

Fear has a funny way of doing that – keeping me from venturing into the unknown. Fear is actually a good thing. It sometimes comes in the form of a biochemical reaction that steers us from danger and helps to keep us alive. It can also be a reminder that we are still alive. Sometimes we can use a little adrenaline jolt to shake us from the sleepy routines of life.

But the fear that most often gets me is the one that keeps me from stepping out of my comfort zone. It is a small, nagging voice that tells me I should avoid failure at all costs and keep to the familiar paths. Fear tells me that I am inadequate, that the risks outweigh the rewards, that the status quo is good enough, that change will require pain. Fear lies.

Did you know that the phrase “Fear not” appears in the Bible 365 times? The authors clearly understand the debilitating power of fear, how fear can take us out of the game. And yet we are challenged to, “Cast [our] burdens on the Lord.”

So if you are like me and find yourself stuck in fear, if anxiety consumes your thoughts, if the unknown is keeping you locked into a life of mediocrity, know that you are not alone. But you should also know that you are called shake off the shackles of fear.

Whether it is something as innocuous as sharing some adventure with your kids or something as life-altering as a career change, don’t let fear determine your next step or prevent you from taking a step. Lives worth living aren’t bound by fear.