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Truth Hurts So Good

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mirror2American Idol makes me sad. It wasn’t always this way. I used to love watching the auditions as I was drawn to singers belting out raw emotions a cappella style.

I was also drawn to the other end of the spectrum – those who were so horrific that the sounds coming from their mouths could hardly be interpreted as singing.

However several years ago, the show lost me. The good singers all seemed a little too polished, and the bad…well, they started to make me sad. I began to feel like I was in high school watching the cool kids picking on the losers while I sat by and did nothing. Actually worse than doing nothing, I was laughing at those poor schmucks.

Some of the contenders on the show aren’t only terrible singers but appear to be suffering from mental disorders. What form of psychosis would convince a tone-deaf person to stand in line for countless hours with the honest belief that they have the talent to win a singing competition?

Schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, megalomania and narcissistic personality disorder are among the conditions that are characterized by grandiose delusions and unreal self-images. I don’t know how many of the folks on Idol could actually be diagnosed with any of these conditions, but I do know that narcissism is alive and well in America.

The true American idol is self. We worship at the altar of ME in our nation. Our collective notions of entitlement and rights can be so strong that they can distort reality. And seeing the fits that some of Idol rejects throw when they are fed a dose of reality is symptomatic of our over-coddled, self-indulgent culture.

What’s most sad about the delusional blokes who sing like Patrick Star (Spongbob’s BFF) but hear the voice of a rock star is that they don’t have anyone in their lives to tell them not to audition for American Idol. How sad is that? No one loves them enough to say three little words they need to hear –You can’t sing!

We all need someone to be a voice of reason in our lives, because all of us can lose touch with reality or lose our ability to see things objectively. My wife (Jody) often represents that voice of reason in my life, and I consider myself to be pretty self-aware.

Believe it or not, there are times when I don’t think rationally. I let bitterness take hold of me. I can worry excessively. I’m not a very social person and struggle to maintain friendships. I can be overly harsh with my kids.

These are all areas where I’ve lost perspective and where my wife has stepped in to lovingly point out things that I couldn’t see myself. Jody loves me enough to give me some hard truths when I need them. We all need someone to do that in our lives.

I would guess that most of us have some narcissistic tendencies or blind spots in our lives where we fail to see things for what they really are. Maybe we justify why our bad habits aren’t so bad or explain away any feedback we have received that’s not consistent with the image we have of ourselves. It’s easy to think ‘It’s them – not me.’

The causes for narcissistic personality disorder are unknown, but one recent study points to a couple possible causes as “overindulgence and overvaluation by parents” and “excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback.” While most of us probably don’t suffer from a personality disorder, we could all benefit from realistic feedback in our lives.

As parents, spouses and friends, we can show love by keeping it real. That doesn’t mean that we should go around giving everyone a piece of our mind. But when we see someone we care about heading down a wrong path, being self-destructive or allowing themselves to be victimized, we should let them know how we see the situation.

Loving honesty requires tact, timing and carefully chosen words. Even delivered in the right spirit, it can sometimes be received wrong. But we owe it to our loved ones to give them the truth, even when it’s difficult to deliver.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. – Ephesians 4: 25 (NIV)

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Wanna Fight…Again?

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animal fightWinston Churchill once famously stated, “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” While Churchill was talking about the fate of nations, the fate of marriage can also benefit from this observation.

Do you ever feel like you are having the same arguments over and over in your marriage? I know my wife and I have felt that way. Our disagreements often take the same form.

We share a few curt, stinging words with each other, withdraw and give each other the silent treatment until one of us breaks and admits our faults.

We have gotten much better at breaking this cycle, but for many years this unhealthy pattern played out again and again in our marriage. It didn’t matter what the trigger was. Simple acts like loading the dishwasher or speaking in the wrong tone of voice would set one of us off. And like clockwork, two days of silence would ensue.

I recently read a book called 5 Days to a New Marriage, in which the author assigned a name to this chain of events. He called it the “Pain Cycle.” The premise is that through interactions with our parents, siblings and peers during our formative years, we have engrained a certain reaction to emotional pain.

Because our brains are designed to react quickly to painful stimuli, we normally default to whatever our learned response is to emotional pain. Often that default reaction isn’t healthy.

Painful encounters with our spouse can dredge up feelings of failure, inadequacy, disconnectedness, hopelessness and insecurity that are rooted in childhood. And once those feelings arise we react with our default coping behaviors, which for me and Jody included getting defensive, withdrawing and isolating.

Our Pain Cycles tend to feed off of each other and spiral us further and further away from our spouse. The author claimed that most marriages have the same fight over and over. Though there are many triggers for the arguments, the triggers almost always produce identical results.

In that light, it is easy to apply Prime Minister Churchill’s statement to marriage. When we fail to properly look back at our personal history to understand the source of our actions, we are doomed to repeat them.

These actions are sometimes repeated ad nauseam until one, or both, of the spouses give up on the marriage. Then those same actions are often dragged into second and even third marriages.

An important first step in eradicating these unwanted behaviors is understanding their origins. As Socrates said, “Know thyself.”

Time spent in introspection revealed to me the lasting effects of being a preacher’s kid, an army brat and one who stood about a foot taller than my peers through elementary school. I often felt like I was on the outside, and conflict with my wife drags up some of those same feelings.

Acknowledging the past, we then we have to work to form new ways of thinking to break this cycle. Neuroscience has revealed that our patterns of thinking become physically engrained in our brains. Just as walking through a field over and over will wear a rut, thinking the same thoughts over and over creates a well-worn path of least resistance.

To get out of that rut, we must establish a new reaction to emotional pain, one that is born not out of past hurt but is rooted in Biblical truths. We are not alone. We are loved. We are worthy. And we must repeat these truths over and over until they have forged new paths that allow us to react to conflict in new, healthier ways.

Conflict is inevitable. Even when we love our spouses dearly, we will eventually clash over differing opinions. How we chose to react to these clashes has a major impact on the health of our marriage. Do we continue to have the same fight over and over? Or do we diffuse the conflict by fixing our half of the marriage?

Diverting from the path we have always traveled to forge a new way of thinking is difficult. It inherently means we will encounter resistance, and we will want to go back to the way we’ve always done things. But with practice, new habits become easier and easier.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

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Different By Design

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yin yang2Unless you have been living on another planet, you’ve likely heard the term “Men are from Mars – Women are from Venus.”

Even as a kid, I remember a less cerebral version of this saying that we chanted on the playground: “Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider! Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars!” Perhaps instead of going to Mars, we boys should have gone to English class to learn grammatically correct methods of insulting the girls.

One of my favorite illustrations of gender differences comes in the form of a song from comedian Sean Morey. Titled “He Said, She Said,” the song brings light to how men and women communicate differently. Here are a few lines:

She said, “You look handsome today dear.”  –  He heard, “I just bought something really expensive.”

He said, “I’m thinking about buying a motorcycle.”  –  She heard, “I’m in the mood for a BIG fight.”

She said, “It was fun visiting your mother.”  –  He heard, “You owe me big time!!”

He said, “Would you mind squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom?”  –  She heard, “Do you mind living with an anal-retentive neurotic?”

There are many sayings and jokes that all drive home the point that men and women, boys and girls are very different creatures. Even as children, gender differences are vast, and that divide grows even wider with age.

We think, speak, act, remember and approach problems differently. We relate to others differently. And we give and receive love differently.

When you add into the mix each person’s unique upbringings, life experiences, cultural differences, age gaps and birth order, it starts to seem like a miracle that any marriage stands the test of time. And yet, they do survive…and even thrive. We are different by design.

The first chapter of the Bible gives insight into our design. Verse 27 reads, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Men and women each uniquely possess traits that reflect the nature of our Creator.

At birth, before society has implanted any notion of gender roles, we are intentionally wired differently. The design of marriage is to join those different traits to make us better than we could be on our own.

My wife and I are certainly have contrasting backgrounds and personalities. And while those differences sometimes lead to disagreements in our marriage, they also serve us well. I am a very cautious, neat, solitary, calculating person who tends to be a little too clinical and tentative. My wife on the other hand is a very spontaneous, fun, outgoing, loving person who others are immediately drawn too.

Sometimes our differences make it difficult to understand each other’s motives or to see life through the other’s eyes. But when we are able to assume the best in each other and not let our differences divide us, those differences become strengths that push us toward growth.

If not for my wife, I would have let fear or anxiety sideline me on multiple occasions. She challenges me and calls me to action. I am learning from her what it means to demonstrate love. If not for me, my wife likely would have declared bankruptcy years ago. And the seed for her faith was planted by me. The combination of head and heart that we bring to our marriage has made us so much better than we could be on our own.

The Gestalt psychologist Kurt Koffka was famous for his idea that, “The whole is other than the sum of its parts.” This notion is perfect for marriage as two very different parts unite to form a whole that is more complete and well-rounded than the individuals are alone. And that whole is closer to God’s image than the parts can ever hope to be.

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Don’t Be An Ass

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I am a stubborn man. Truth be told, I sometimes walk a really thin line between stubborn and stupid.

A few years back, that line became really blurry when I injured myself during a canoeing trip.

I wore flip flops on that fateful day, which any experienced canoer will tell you is not smart. A dry summer had left the water so low that I frequently found myself outside the canoe pushing or pulling the vessel through low points in the river.

With my flip flops continually slipping off my feet, I tossed them in the boat and went barefoot.

You can probably guess what happened next. A couple miles into the trip, I gashed the bottom of my foot on a broken bottle.

This was no surface wound, and most of my friends cringed at the seriousness of the cut. Everyone advised that a hospital visit should be in my very near future, but I had a different idea.

You see, I have a stubborn (some may say stupid) aversion to seeking help from medical professionals. And frankly, I didn’t want to endure the pain or cost (in money or time) of getting stitches.

Although basic sense told everyone else who looked at my wound that I needed stitches, I was sure it was nothing a Band-Aid and some Neosporin couldn’t handle. After a week of cleaning and bandaging, my foot still hurt a lot and wasn’t healing well.

But I was already learning to live with it. I changed my walk to avoid putting pressure on that area and began to accept that I might always have some pain when I walked.

One night while cleaning my wound, I decided to look deeper into the cut to see how the healing was going on the inside. That’s when I discovered that there was still a piece of glass in my foot that I’d been walking on for well over a week.

Goodbye stubborn, hello stupid!

Now I can look back at this incident and laugh at what a fool I was, but it was far less funny when I realized I had been doing the same thing in my marriage. Over a decade, my marriage slowly drifted from the honeymoon phase to complacency to contempt on our worse days.

We were suffering from a wound that we tried to ignore and slap Band-Aids on, but there was something below the surface we were failing to address.

In my mind, I explained the complacency away and learned to live with the pain as we gradually adjusted to this existence. Our marriage was never terrible, but it was far from great.

My wife (Jody) and I both eventually settled for a state of quiet desperation. Tragically, more marriages exist in this state than you might imagine.

As Jody and I have been sharing our story with others and attempting to use our nearly-failed marriage to bring healing, it has become apparent that this quiet desperation is an epidemic.

When the shininess of marriage grows dull and the veil of illusion is lifted from our spouse, many of us find ourselves living in mediocre, unfulfilling marriages…and we just accept it.

At this point, there are three basic paths one can take: get divorced, accept mediocrity or start fighting for a great marriage.

Divorce seems like an easy out when the going gets tough.  While many of us just keep plodding along, choosing to live with the pain instead of seeking to identify and eliminate the source.

When discontent eventually led me and Jody to the brink of divorce, we decided to start putting in the hard work to make our marriage better.

This road is not easy. It calls for a great deal of humility to really assess one’s flaws as a spouse and as a person. The honesty required to chip away at years of half-truths and niceties can be extremely painful. And maintaining open, meaningful dialogue on a regular basis is downright hard work…especially for men.

We sought professional counseling, read numerous books on marriage, dedicated one night a week to talking and basically absorbed any information we could find on how to become better spouses.

The thought of all this work and the potential pain that comes from looking into our wounds is enough to keep many couples living on the surface, trapped in mediocrity. I know it kept me stuck for more years than I care to admit.

My encouragement for anyone who finds themselves in this kind of existence is to choose the narrow path. Begin to do the hard work to transform your relationship into the marriage that God intended for you to have.

Don’t let fear or comfort keep you stuck in mediocrity. Don’t ignore that feeling that your marriage isn’t what it should be. And don’t let stubbornness keep you from seeking help.

But don’t be stubborn and stupid like horses and mules who, if not reined by leather and metal, will run wild, ignoring their masters. – Psalm 32:9 (VOICE)

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2015 Vision

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binocularsI am not a New-Year’s-resolution-making kind of guy. I know most resolutions don’t make it past Valentine’s Day. And if I have resolved to make a change in my life, I work on that change regardless of what time of year it is.

But I understand the appeal of resolutions. There is something about a fresh start in a new year, about having a chance for a do-over, that can bring hope. The accountability that comes with establishing a goal and sharing it with others can also be helpful.

Though I don’t do resolutions, this year my wife and I tried something new. We had a visioning session where we talked about our hopes and goals for 2015. We broke our discussion down into three areas: Relationship, Parenting and Finances. We talked about big picture goals – like being more patient with our son. And we talked about specific actions we can take and habits we would like to develop to help achieve the big picture goals.

I recently heard former NFL coach, Tony Dungy discuss the importance of vision and planning in life. He used the analogy of a football coaching staff that watches film to prepare for their opponents. They anticipate and plan their response to the adverse situations that they are likely to encounter in the game. Then they prepare for those situations through practicing – engraining the correct response into their minds and creating muscle memory.  Winning football teams don’t just show up on game day and hope for the best. The combination of strategy (vision) and practice (discipline) are vital to success.

I have to admit that I’ve spent much of my life just winging it.  I have showed up on game day thinking good intentions and a good heart were sufficient to get me through most circumstances. But I have been woefully unprepared for many of the situations in which I’ve found myself as a husband and a dad.  Poor preparation means that I failed to react to adverse conditions properly even after finding myself facing those same conditions over and over.

Despite developing several disciplines over the years that have poised me for success, I have spent little time setting goals in my personal life. I understand, however, that this is a practice that successful people employ to achieve their success. It is even identified as one of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  I took the Seven Habits class years ago, but I never took habit number two (begin with the end in mind) to heart.  The highly ineffective habit that I have is running and gunning with a loose purpose but no clear vision of what the end looks like.

Because my success as a husband and father is so important to me, I decided to invest some time envisioning what I want 2015 to look like for me and my family. It was actually exciting thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead. Seeing the man I want to grow into, the habits I want to develop and those I want to eliminate created a greater sense of hope for the future. It was equally good to hear my wife share her hopes for the year ahead to make sure we are on the same page in setting direction for our family.

A few of our goals for the year ahead are to read a couple’s devotional daily, to begin marriage mentoring with young couples, to increase our trust in each other, to stop raising our voices with our kids, to research and have an age-appropriate discussion with our son about sex and to go have at least one overnight get-away as a couple.

Setting these goals is just the beginning. Discipline and follow through are necessary to transform these goals into reality.   I know that greatness rarely happens to those who wing it through life, to those who lack vision. And I am certain that even with a clear vision for the future, I will encounter resistance as I try to develop new, healthy habits. My body and mind will try to push me away from difficult, towards easy…to convince me that my goals are unrealistic or not worth pursuing.  But the path of least resistance is almost never the path to success.

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Measuring Up

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rulerI am not a big fan of ‘reality’ television. Many of the shows in this genre are scripted or staged with the intent of creating conflict among the cast members. Calling these shows reality is a bit like calling Jerry Springer a pillar of society. However, there are a couple of these programs that embed a camera crew smack dab in the middle of people’s lives giving viewers glimpses of some pretty insane realities.

Hoarders and Cops were two guilty pleasures for me. I no longer have cable, and Cops was dropped from a major network so I haven’t seen either in a long time. But when I had access to these shows, there was something about them that drew me in.

A big part of the appeal of these programs was that they made me feel better about my own life. I mean my house may not be clean, but at least there are no dead cats in my living room. And I may have some relationship problems, but at least my wife has never stabbed me with a steak knife for using the last of the crystal meth…not yet anyway.

I relished in the messiness of these people’s lives because it made mine feel like less of a mess. When it comes to setting the bar for my life, I haven’t always placed it very high. Avoiding dead cats and steak knife stabbings is pretty much the bottom rung.

This way of thinking – of measuring myself against others – has been pretty toxic in my life. And it has actually kept me from growing in some areas. For several years, I compared my efforts as a husband and as a father to those around me.

Thoughts like “At least my marriage is better than ___,” or “At least my kids are better behaved than ___” fooled me into thinking I had my stuff together. These comparison statements all have one thing in common – the word ‘least.’ I used to set my sights on minimal achievement levels.

A perennial C student of life, I failed to envision what my marriage could be or how I could be a better dad. What would it look like if I strived for the most in these areas of my life instead of being content with knowing that at least I was better than someone else?

Eventually, I learned that all of the settling and compromising I’d done left a lot to be desired by my wife and son. My basic goals of avoiding conflict and trying to be just slightly better than those around me left me my family feeling unfulfilled and lacking in leadership. From the outside, my life looked pretty good, but the inside might as well have been filled with dead cats. My life was kind of a mess.

I still find myself using this comparative kind of thinking, but these days, more often than not, I’m comparing me to myself. I know I’m not the best me I can be, but I’m better than I was last year…and way better than I was five years ago. This way of thinking actually helps to perpetuate my growth. And it keeps me from belittling others in my mind or from beating myself up because I don’t measure up to someone else.

My ultimate goal is not just avoiding being stabbed or keeping up with the Jones’s but to measure up to the standards laid out in the Bible. I want to be humble, patient, loving, disciplined, compassionate and forgiving in every encounter. I am definitely not there yet, but I have a much clearer vision of who I am striving to be. And as I look back, I can see just how far I’ve come.

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Truth Hurts

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LS020106Truth hurts…but it also sets you free. Throughout the course of our lives, we will receive all kinds of mixed messages about the truth. Some extol the necessity of truth, while others speak of the pain that it can cause. For some, truth is relative. For others, it is a weapon.

What I’ve learned in my fourteen years of marriage is that truth is a must. It is the foundation of trust, and trust is essential in a meaningful relationship. Being truthful sounds so easy, but it has proven to be difficult. Even those of us who claim to be honest, can find ourselves at a moral crossroads when posed with the age-old question – Do these jeans make my butt look big?

I know I’m making light of a very serious topic, but even a seemingly innocent question like this can create a moral dilemma in a man. If the true answer to the question is “yes,” does one tell the truth and risk hurting the feelings of the one you love? Or does one bend the truth, preserving your wife’s feelings while starting down a slippery slope of dishonesty?

Through much of my marriage, my wife (Jody) and I avoided difficult or painful truths. We both had some shadowy areas in our lives that we kept from one another. Sometimes I think we both knew that these shadows existed, but we also knew that shining a light on these shadows would create discomfort and hurt. So we lived much of our lives on the surface, failing to advance because advancing would require painful truth.

As we got older and wiser, the need for total honesty became more evident so we eventually had those uncomfortable conversations. And boy did they hurt! The hurt eventually faded though as it always does, and it was replaced by a deep respect. It also laid a solid foundation upon which we began building trust.

Jody and I have committed to being completely and lovingly honest with one another, but it’s not always easy. For me, factual truth is no problem. I can tell Jody, without wavering, about all my actions, because I don’t have anything to hide from her. My brain can recall and regurgitate facts at will.  Where I sometimes struggle is with emotional truth – explaining how I’m feeling in the moment.

I would venture to say that more men struggle with this problem than women. One of the most deceptive phrases in marriage is “I’m fine.” I’ve said it many times when I wasn’t in fact fine. Most of the time, I wasn’t intentionally trying to deceive, but I wasn’t really in touch with what was going on inside me.

Sometimes there is a state of discontent in me that I don’t fully understand until I take the time to think about it and trace the feeling to its root. It’s so much easier to say “I’m fine” than it is to self-analyze. But the easy road is seldom the right road. Strong marriages are not built upon easy. They are built upon trust – a trust earned over time through total, loving honesty.

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Big Buts

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butI like big buts and I cannot lie. I typically don’t start my articles with quotes from immortal poets like Sir Mix-A-Lot. However, you will notice that my opening line reads a little differently than Mr. Lot’s timeless prose.

I’m not writing about derrières here. I’m referring to the conjunction – but. This small word separates two contrasting or contradictory ideas. I find myself using this word far too often when talking to my son. It looks something like this:

You did a great job playing defense today, but you should have tried harder on offense.

Good work on your spelling test, but what happened on your math assignment?

My compliments to my son are almost always immediately followed by a critique. I build him up…then I tear him down, often in the same breath. I have good intentions – wanting to compliment my son and help him grow in areas where he’s weak. However, a big but often negates any good I am trying to achieve.

Even though I am aware of this habit, I’ve found it difficult to change. I had been trying to come up with a better approach to this conundrum, and then the answer hit me…

As we were leaving my son’s soccer game, I heard another dad discussing the game with his son. He asked his son, “What do you think you did well in that game?” followed by “What is one thing you think could have done better?”

Brilliant in its simplicity, I promptly stole that technique and applied it after my son’s next game. And it actually worked! He told me about an area where he thought he could use improvement, and that week we worked on it. The best part was that I didn’t come off as critical, nor did I upset my son by badgering him with my suggestions.

This experience reminded me that I am a student of life. It is okay that I don’t have it all figured out. As I seek to improve as a parent and a husband, I have to be humble enough to realize that the best improvement ideas won’t always come from me.

At my work place, we follow a principle called Kaizen. Literally meaning “good change” in Japanese, we reference the concept to mean continuous improvement. We are continuously seeking ideas, big or small, for how we can do things better or more efficiently.

While I’ve transferred this Kaizen approach to my personal life, sometimes I get stuck figuring out how to make the improvement. Recognizing the need for growth can be pretty easy.  A clash with my kids or spouse sends up the red flag, but I don’t always know where to go from there.  How do I eliminate the big buts from my life?

In this instance, the answer fell into my lap, but other ideas for change aren’t so easy to find. Some answers require that I look beyond myself. I have developed a habit of regularly reading books, articles and blogs on marriage and parenting. And I also discuss these issues with other men. You would be surprised at how many of us face the same issues, but we try to find all the answers on our own instead of pooling our knowledge.

The two most important jobs I will ever have are being a husband and being a dad. But I don’t get quarterly reviews in these jobs to let me know where I need improvement.  To grow in both areas, I must live my life with the mindset of a student and keep my ego from standing in the way of accepting improvement ideas. What are the big buts in your life? And what are you doing about them?

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I Have Weeds

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weedsI have weeds. My yard is full of them. Since we built our house, I’ve enlisted the help of lawn care professionals to help me get my sod established and keep it weed free. This year, however, my cheapness and my pride conspired to convince me that I didn’t need no stinking lawn care guy!

“I got this,” I reassured myself as I spread chemicals across my lawn in early spring. Now, late summer finds me on my hands and knees plucking dandelions, crabgrass, clover and a half-dozen other weeds that I don’t even recognize. I don’t got this! Dejected and head hung low, I recently mumbled to my wife that I would be contacting a new lawn care company next year.

For me, there’s some connection between my lawn and my pride. One of my husbandly duties is to take care of the lawn. And this is one of those duties that, when done poorly, is on display for all to see.

I find that I worry too much about appearances, and I am not just talking about my lawn. There is a human tendency to want others to think we have it all together. But if we’re not careful, we can spend more time building a façade of well-being than we actually spend working on our well-being.

If you’re not convinced, just look at social media. How many hours are spent posting photos, typing clever comments, checking in at restaurants, liking, sharing and taking surveys? So much time is wasted carefully crafting our images.

We don’t post pictures of us arguing with our spouses or losing our tempers with our kids. Most of us don’t let the world know when we’ve been selfish or when we struggle with addictions. It’s understandable that we don’t broadcast our flaws to the world, but I think it’s important that we share them with someone.

I am guilty of keeping others at arm’s length…not letting people get close enough to see the weeds that have taken root in my life. But I keep hearing this idea that we should “let our mess become our message,” and I am trying to put that idea into action.

I’ve shared with many how my marriage nearly ended in divorce as well as my shortcomings as a husband and father, with the hope that others will identify with my struggles and see how I turned some of those things around.

Everyone is broken. We all have weeds. For some the weeds are in the front yard where everyone can see. Others hide them in the back or keep them neatly manicured so they almost look like grass.

I’m calling a new lawn care guy next year because I’ve realized I don’t know the proper techniques to eradicate the weeds from my lawn. I need someone who’s been there and done that to help me.

In what area of your life do you need someone who’s been there and done that? What struggles have you overcome that you can share with someone who may be struggling in that same area? Don’t let pride keep you from sharing your mess with others.

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Marriage-Changing Event

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b&w holding hands2One of the habits of highly effective people is “sharpening the saw” – investing time and effort in self-renewal. There are many facets of my life that need sharpening, but one area where I have been keenly focused is becoming a better husband.

This weekend I had a pretty vigorous sharpening session as my wife and I attended a day-long “Marriage-Changing Event.” With our kids safely stowed at my parents’ house, we trekked to Chicago and spent our Saturday listening to renowned relationship experts talk about the keys to successful marriage.

I was struck by the sense of urgency among all of the speakers as they discussed the many negative impacts that broken marriages have on couples, their children and our society as a whole. One speaker shared the idea that, “Every divorce is the death of a small civilization.”

This notion that the loss of many small civilizations is contributing to the decline of our large civilization is one of the reasons I write this column. The destructive ripple of divorce leaves irreparable, irrefutable damage in its wake. The statistics on the social ills that result from divorce are too numerous to list here, but they are shocking.

My own marriage nearly became a statistic several years back as the “D-word” was discussed. But through the grace of God, we fought for our marriage and became part of a more encouraging statistic that was shared at the event. A study showed that 80% of couples who nearly divorced but ended up staying together were “very happy” in their marriage.

One of the key concepts I heard repeated through the event was the need for humility. How many fights could be avoided, pain prevented or divorces diverted if we weren’t so strong willed and selfish? One speaker shared that, “The richness of your marriage is in direct proportion to the sacrificial investments you make.”

Our society teaches that comfort and happiness are paramount, so the thought of putting others needs above our own seems foreign. As soon as the going gets tough, the covenant vows of marriage often go out the window. We seek happiness in things, experiences and in other people but like a carrot on a stick happiness eludes us.

I will be the first to tell you that my wife and I don’t have it all figured out. We even experienced some snippiness with each other during our marriage retreat weekend. But we’re both working on cultivating humble hearts that allow us to apologize and quickly forgive one another.

We have come to understand, through many trials, that the joy in our marriage isn’t based on fleeting emotions. Rather, we are learning to submit our wills to serve one another and follow Biblical guidelines for marriage. And because of it, we have achieved levels of intimacy, honesty and hope that eluded us for a decade.

It is so easy to wear down in marriage, to let the drudgery of daily living dull us. It happens to us all. We simply lose focus on what matters most. That’s why I attend events like this, read books on marriage, talk to other married men and practice self-discipline…to stay sharp and to be the man I am called to be.