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2015 Vision

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binocularsI am not a New-Year’s-resolution-making kind of guy. I know most resolutions don’t make it past Valentine’s Day. And if I have resolved to make a change in my life, I work on that change regardless of what time of year it is.

But I understand the appeal of resolutions. There is something about a fresh start in a new year, about having a chance for a do-over, that can bring hope. The accountability that comes with establishing a goal and sharing it with others can also be helpful.

Though I don’t do resolutions, this year my wife and I tried something new. We had a visioning session where we talked about our hopes and goals for 2015. We broke our discussion down into three areas: Relationship, Parenting and Finances. We talked about big picture goals – like being more patient with our son. And we talked about specific actions we can take and habits we would like to develop to help achieve the big picture goals.

I recently heard former NFL coach, Tony Dungy discuss the importance of vision and planning in life. He used the analogy of a football coaching staff that watches film to prepare for their opponents. They anticipate and plan their response to the adverse situations that they are likely to encounter in the game. Then they prepare for those situations through practicing – engraining the correct response into their minds and creating muscle memory.  Winning football teams don’t just show up on game day and hope for the best. The combination of strategy (vision) and practice (discipline) are vital to success.

I have to admit that I’ve spent much of my life just winging it.  I have showed up on game day thinking good intentions and a good heart were sufficient to get me through most circumstances. But I have been woefully unprepared for many of the situations in which I’ve found myself as a husband and a dad.  Poor preparation means that I failed to react to adverse conditions properly even after finding myself facing those same conditions over and over.

Despite developing several disciplines over the years that have poised me for success, I have spent little time setting goals in my personal life. I understand, however, that this is a practice that successful people employ to achieve their success. It is even identified as one of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  I took the Seven Habits class years ago, but I never took habit number two (begin with the end in mind) to heart.  The highly ineffective habit that I have is running and gunning with a loose purpose but no clear vision of what the end looks like.

Because my success as a husband and father is so important to me, I decided to invest some time envisioning what I want 2015 to look like for me and my family. It was actually exciting thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead. Seeing the man I want to grow into, the habits I want to develop and those I want to eliminate created a greater sense of hope for the future. It was equally good to hear my wife share her hopes for the year ahead to make sure we are on the same page in setting direction for our family.

A few of our goals for the year ahead are to read a couple’s devotional daily, to begin marriage mentoring with young couples, to increase our trust in each other, to stop raising our voices with our kids, to research and have an age-appropriate discussion with our son about sex and to go have at least one overnight get-away as a couple.

Setting these goals is just the beginning. Discipline and follow through are necessary to transform these goals into reality.   I know that greatness rarely happens to those who wing it through life, to those who lack vision. And I am certain that even with a clear vision for the future, I will encounter resistance as I try to develop new, healthy habits. My body and mind will try to push me away from difficult, towards easy…to convince me that my goals are unrealistic or not worth pursuing.  But the path of least resistance is almost never the path to success.

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Measuring Up

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rulerI am not a big fan of ‘reality’ television. Many of the shows in this genre are scripted or staged with the intent of creating conflict among the cast members. Calling these shows reality is a bit like calling Jerry Springer a pillar of society. However, there are a couple of these programs that embed a camera crew smack dab in the middle of people’s lives giving viewers glimpses of some pretty insane realities.

Hoarders and Cops were two guilty pleasures for me. I no longer have cable, and Cops was dropped from a major network so I haven’t seen either in a long time. But when I had access to these shows, there was something about them that drew me in.

A big part of the appeal of these programs was that they made me feel better about my own life. I mean my house may not be clean, but at least there are no dead cats in my living room. And I may have some relationship problems, but at least my wife has never stabbed me with a steak knife for using the last of the crystal meth…not yet anyway.

I relished in the messiness of these people’s lives because it made mine feel like less of a mess. When it comes to setting the bar for my life, I haven’t always placed it very high. Avoiding dead cats and steak knife stabbings is pretty much the bottom rung.

This way of thinking – of measuring myself against others – has been pretty toxic in my life. And it has actually kept me from growing in some areas. For several years, I compared my efforts as a husband and as a father to those around me.

Thoughts like “At least my marriage is better than ___,” or “At least my kids are better behaved than ___” fooled me into thinking I had my stuff together. These comparison statements all have one thing in common – the word ‘least.’ I used to set my sights on minimal achievement levels.

A perennial C student of life, I failed to envision what my marriage could be or how I could be a better dad. What would it look like if I strived for the most in these areas of my life instead of being content with knowing that at least I was better than someone else?

Eventually, I learned that all of the settling and compromising I’d done left a lot to be desired by my wife and son. My basic goals of avoiding conflict and trying to be just slightly better than those around me left me my family feeling unfulfilled and lacking in leadership. From the outside, my life looked pretty good, but the inside might as well have been filled with dead cats. My life was kind of a mess.

I still find myself using this comparative kind of thinking, but these days, more often than not, I’m comparing me to myself. I know I’m not the best me I can be, but I’m better than I was last year…and way better than I was five years ago. This way of thinking actually helps to perpetuate my growth. And it keeps me from belittling others in my mind or from beating myself up because I don’t measure up to someone else.

My ultimate goal is not just avoiding being stabbed or keeping up with the Jones’s but to measure up to the standards laid out in the Bible. I want to be humble, patient, loving, disciplined, compassionate and forgiving in every encounter. I am definitely not there yet, but I have a much clearer vision of who I am striving to be. And as I look back, I can see just how far I’ve come.

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Big Buts

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butI like big buts and I cannot lie. I typically don’t start my articles with quotes from immortal poets like Sir Mix-A-Lot. However, you will notice that my opening line reads a little differently than Mr. Lot’s timeless prose.

I’m not writing about derrières here. I’m referring to the conjunction – but. This small word separates two contrasting or contradictory ideas. I find myself using this word far too often when talking to my son. It looks something like this:

You did a great job playing defense today, but you should have tried harder on offense.

Good work on your spelling test, but what happened on your math assignment?

My compliments to my son are almost always immediately followed by a critique. I build him up…then I tear him down, often in the same breath. I have good intentions – wanting to compliment my son and help him grow in areas where he’s weak. However, a big but often negates any good I am trying to achieve.

Even though I am aware of this habit, I’ve found it difficult to change. I had been trying to come up with a better approach to this conundrum, and then the answer hit me…

As we were leaving my son’s soccer game, I heard another dad discussing the game with his son. He asked his son, “What do you think you did well in that game?” followed by “What is one thing you think could have done better?”

Brilliant in its simplicity, I promptly stole that technique and applied it after my son’s next game. And it actually worked! He told me about an area where he thought he could use improvement, and that week we worked on it. The best part was that I didn’t come off as critical, nor did I upset my son by badgering him with my suggestions.

This experience reminded me that I am a student of life. It is okay that I don’t have it all figured out. As I seek to improve as a parent and a husband, I have to be humble enough to realize that the best improvement ideas won’t always come from me.

At my work place, we follow a principle called Kaizen. Literally meaning “good change” in Japanese, we reference the concept to mean continuous improvement. We are continuously seeking ideas, big or small, for how we can do things better or more efficiently.

While I’ve transferred this Kaizen approach to my personal life, sometimes I get stuck figuring out how to make the improvement. Recognizing the need for growth can be pretty easy.  A clash with my kids or spouse sends up the red flag, but I don’t always know where to go from there.  How do I eliminate the big buts from my life?

In this instance, the answer fell into my lap, but other ideas for change aren’t so easy to find. Some answers require that I look beyond myself. I have developed a habit of regularly reading books, articles and blogs on marriage and parenting. And I also discuss these issues with other men. You would be surprised at how many of us face the same issues, but we try to find all the answers on our own instead of pooling our knowledge.

The two most important jobs I will ever have are being a husband and being a dad. But I don’t get quarterly reviews in these jobs to let me know where I need improvement.  To grow in both areas, I must live my life with the mindset of a student and keep my ego from standing in the way of accepting improvement ideas. What are the big buts in your life? And what are you doing about them?