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I Am Scared

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screamMy wife recently departed for a mission trip to Africa, and I have to confess that I am scared. I’m scared for her as she faces the threats of Ebola, giant spiders and strange foods prepared thousands of miles from the nearest health inspector. But I am even more scared for myself as I am left in charge of two thigh-high whirling dervishes bearing my last name.

The child-to-adult ration in my home will not be in my favor for 11 days, and that is cause for worry. Braver men than me would not be shaken by these circumstances, but I am at least a little nervous. Truth be told, my kids are actually pretty well-behaved…most of the time.

As with all kids though, they have dark sides. My good kids can devolve into needy, whining, crying, demanding creatures. They become like black holes, sucking the energy and patience right out of me until I devolve into a loud, angry, reactive, unkind, unforgiving creature. It’s not pretty on either side.

Today is day five without my wife, and five days of serving as daddy and mommy has given me a new-found appreciation for my wife’s hard work. There have been some demanding moments, but I’ve had the good fortune of having my parents here to share in the heavy lifting.

When I think of what my wife does day in and day out to take care of me and our kids (without the help of grandparents), it makes me want to bow before her and kiss her feet. Before my wife took this journey, I already had great appreciation for her, telling her regularly how grateful I am for her and for her contributions to our family.

It’s easy when things are going smoothly to pat each other on the back and keep positive. But life does not always go smoothly. It is fraught with trials and turbulence, and true character emerges in these trying moments. I am not always as gracious as I should be when things don’t go according to plan. My grace under fire leaves a lot to be desired.

When I’m sleep deprived, when the kids are screaming, when we wake up to dog puke on the carpet, when we run out of milk, when my wife gets in a fender bender, when the oven breaks down, when work has worn me thin, when I’m sitting in the ER – these are the moments when I most need the courage to extend grace and patience. These are the moments when I need to remember what it was like to walk in my wife’s shoes for 11 days.

The examples above have all happened to me in the past few months, and my responses to these life situations has ranged from gracious to complete jerk. My wife is amazing, and living without her for a few days is a powerful reminder of just how amazing she is. The next time I am in the trenches and my inner jerk wants to show up, I hope I can do better at remembering this truth and remembering these 11 days.

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My Days Are Numbered

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horseshoe

I recently took my son, Alex, to his first Ohio State Football game. It wasn’t really much of a game as OSU dished out a 66-0 whooping to a painfully outmatched Kent State.   But the truth is I didn’t care as much about what was happening on the gridiron as I did about what was happening in the stands.

In section 11A – row 17 – seats 27 & 28, my son and I bonded. We high fived, recapped plays to each other, ate hot dogs, spelled O-H-I-O with our arms and formed memories that will last a lifetime.

Our day in Columbus came at a cost. Tickets to OSU games are not cheap and typically resold well above their face value. Then you have to pay for parking and stadium food. A bottle of “smart water” cost $7, which is about as oxymoronic as anything I can imagine.

Beyond dollars, this game required an investment of time. For us to go to this game, I had to invest an entire Saturday. And with an ever-growing list of to-do items, my weekend time is precious and fleeting.

Even though I enjoy watching football, the thought of spending a whole Saturday accomplishing nothing defies my task-master mentality. But through this investment of time, I did accomplish something; I had a fun day with my son that the two of us will likely remember the rest of our lives.

Time is our most precious commodity – a gift that isn’t promised to us in any set amount. The only guarantee in life is that sooner or later this gift will run out. So how one invests this treasured commodity reveals a great deal about what matters most to them.

There is a Bible verse about time that is one of the guiding tenets in my life – “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” This Psalm reminds me that my life will be short therefore I should use it wisely. For me, the wisest way I can spend my time is with my wife and children.

In order to protect my time so I can invest it where it matters, I have to establish boundaries. One time thief that continuously threatens to encroach upon the sacred hours spent with my family is my work. I strive every day to protect my family time from my work life, doing all I can to leave at my designated quitting time and to not take work home with me.

This isn’t always easy. Not taking work home means I have to be extremely regimented about how I approach my daily work load. I try to minimize my time spent in meetings where my attendance isn’t required. And when necessary, I work through my lunch. I do everything possible to ensure that I leave at my scheduled end time.

I also have to set boundaries with my own selfish desires. I can be obsessive about cleaning my car, spending hours washing, clay barring, waxing and polishing if I go unchecked. I have more bottles of cleaning products and microfiber towels than any sane man should own.

Beyond car care, I have many other interests that could eat up my time if I allowed. I have a mountain bike quietly collecting dust in my basement, resting next to my bass guitar. And I own more books than I will ever find the time to read. But I choose not to pursue any hobbies or interests that will take me away from my family.

I’ve heard a hundred times that no one ever lies upon their death bed wishing they had spent more time at work or perfecting their golf game. Having the cleanest car on the block is not the legacy I want to leave behind. Clarity comes too late for some, and although I wish I’d come to this realization sooner in my life, I have learned to number my days.

By protecting my time and treating it like the precious commodity that it is, I am able to give it to those who matter the most to me. In 10 years, I won’t remember that my car was dirty when I drove to Columbus, but I will cling tightly to the memories of the day spent with my son.

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I Have Weeds

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weedsI have weeds. My yard is full of them. Since we built our house, I’ve enlisted the help of lawn care professionals to help me get my sod established and keep it weed free. This year, however, my cheapness and my pride conspired to convince me that I didn’t need no stinking lawn care guy!

“I got this,” I reassured myself as I spread chemicals across my lawn in early spring. Now, late summer finds me on my hands and knees plucking dandelions, crabgrass, clover and a half-dozen other weeds that I don’t even recognize. I don’t got this! Dejected and head hung low, I recently mumbled to my wife that I would be contacting a new lawn care company next year.

For me, there’s some connection between my lawn and my pride. One of my husbandly duties is to take care of the lawn. And this is one of those duties that, when done poorly, is on display for all to see.

I find that I worry too much about appearances, and I am not just talking about my lawn. There is a human tendency to want others to think we have it all together. But if we’re not careful, we can spend more time building a façade of well-being than we actually spend working on our well-being.

If you’re not convinced, just look at social media. How many hours are spent posting photos, typing clever comments, checking in at restaurants, liking, sharing and taking surveys? So much time is wasted carefully crafting our images.

We don’t post pictures of us arguing with our spouses or losing our tempers with our kids. Most of us don’t let the world know when we’ve been selfish or when we struggle with addictions. It’s understandable that we don’t broadcast our flaws to the world, but I think it’s important that we share them with someone.

I am guilty of keeping others at arm’s length…not letting people get close enough to see the weeds that have taken root in my life. But I keep hearing this idea that we should “let our mess become our message,” and I am trying to put that idea into action.

I’ve shared with many how my marriage nearly ended in divorce as well as my shortcomings as a husband and father, with the hope that others will identify with my struggles and see how I turned some of those things around.

Everyone is broken. We all have weeds. For some the weeds are in the front yard where everyone can see. Others hide them in the back or keep them neatly manicured so they almost look like grass.

I’m calling a new lawn care guy next year because I’ve realized I don’t know the proper techniques to eradicate the weeds from my lawn. I need someone who’s been there and done that to help me.

In what area of your life do you need someone who’s been there and done that? What struggles have you overcome that you can share with someone who may be struggling in that same area? Don’t let pride keep you from sharing your mess with others.

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Marriage-Changing Event

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b&w holding hands2One of the habits of highly effective people is “sharpening the saw” – investing time and effort in self-renewal. There are many facets of my life that need sharpening, but one area where I have been keenly focused is becoming a better husband.

This weekend I had a pretty vigorous sharpening session as my wife and I attended a day-long “Marriage-Changing Event.” With our kids safely stowed at my parents’ house, we trekked to Chicago and spent our Saturday listening to renowned relationship experts talk about the keys to successful marriage.

I was struck by the sense of urgency among all of the speakers as they discussed the many negative impacts that broken marriages have on couples, their children and our society as a whole. One speaker shared the idea that, “Every divorce is the death of a small civilization.”

This notion that the loss of many small civilizations is contributing to the decline of our large civilization is one of the reasons I write this column. The destructive ripple of divorce leaves irreparable, irrefutable damage in its wake. The statistics on the social ills that result from divorce are too numerous to list here, but they are shocking.

My own marriage nearly became a statistic several years back as the “D-word” was discussed. But through the grace of God, we fought for our marriage and became part of a more encouraging statistic that was shared at the event. A study showed that 80% of couples who nearly divorced but ended up staying together were “very happy” in their marriage.

One of the key concepts I heard repeated through the event was the need for humility. How many fights could be avoided, pain prevented or divorces diverted if we weren’t so strong willed and selfish? One speaker shared that, “The richness of your marriage is in direct proportion to the sacrificial investments you make.”

Our society teaches that comfort and happiness are paramount, so the thought of putting others needs above our own seems foreign. As soon as the going gets tough, the covenant vows of marriage often go out the window. We seek happiness in things, experiences and in other people but like a carrot on a stick happiness eludes us.

I will be the first to tell you that my wife and I don’t have it all figured out. We even experienced some snippiness with each other during our marriage retreat weekend. But we’re both working on cultivating humble hearts that allow us to apologize and quickly forgive one another.

We have come to understand, through many trials, that the joy in our marriage isn’t based on fleeting emotions. Rather, we are learning to submit our wills to serve one another and follow Biblical guidelines for marriage. And because of it, we have achieved levels of intimacy, honesty and hope that eluded us for a decade.

It is so easy to wear down in marriage, to let the drudgery of daily living dull us. It happens to us all. We simply lose focus on what matters most. That’s why I attend events like this, read books on marriage, talk to other married men and practice self-discipline…to stay sharp and to be the man I am called to be.

turn off & tune in to your spouse