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Love Is Owning a Snake

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heart snakeUnder my roof reside four humans, a dog and snake. You read that right. There is a snake in my house that I am not allowed to kill…that we feed…that has a name…that we paid money for…and that lives in my son’s room.

By now you’ve probably guessed that owning a snake was not one of the items on my bucket list. The idea of welcoming a creature into our home that could indeed aid one in kicking the bucket is far from logical to me.

But if I’ve learned anything in 15 years of marriage and in 8 years of parenting, it’s that love defies logic.

Love drives people to do crazy things like selling your sports car, spending a week with in-laws, holding your wife’s purse in public and, in extreme cases, becoming a snake owner.

I never thought the term “snake owner” would be attached to my name. That seemed like a title reserved for crazies like Alice Cooper, Brittany Spears or Jake the Snake. But I am the owner (by association) of a 3-foot long, female Ball Python named Pebbles.

Though I am anti-snake, my eight-year-old son (Alex) loves them. He is enthralled by pretty much all creatures, especially those that are potentially lethal.

Where snakes send chills up my spine, they excite Alex. He’s even caught one (non venomous) in the wild with his bare hands!

After months of me saying “NO” to snake ownership, my wife and I eventually reached an agreement with my son in the Great Snake Debate. We told Alex that if he saved half of the money needed to buy a snake and habitat, we would pay for the other half. In my short-sightedness, I forgot that my wife’s family almost always gives Alex a decent chunk of change for every birthday. And now I am a snake owner.

I don’t pretend to love having a snake in our home. But I do support my son’s interests. I am happy to read books or watch shows about snakes with him. I have taken him to see a herpetologist (reptile scientist) speak. And over the last few summers we have gone repeatedly to a local creek where snakes hang out so we can hunt them.

Love is a powerful motivator. It drives us to put other’s needs and wants above our own. In this case, love overrode my good horse sense and my instincts for self-preservation to the delight of my son. My sacrifice has been his joy.

I have overheard him in conversations with his peers speaking with pride about his reptile. He even works it into conversations with people he’s just met. Being a snake owner is a proud part of his identity, a scaly green badge of courage.

Alex talks about becoming a herpetologist himself someday.   I don’t know if that passion will persist in him. Perhaps he will fall off the snake bandwagon one day. But what I do know is that he will be taking his python with him when he moves out of our house. These things live 20-30 years!

I also know that I’ve helped to feed an interest in my son that has developed into a passion. I could have easily snuffed that passion before it ignited. But a little self-sacrifice has kindled his interest and is serving to shape his identity. He is a snake owner and proud of it!

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Wanna Fight…Again?

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animal fightWinston Churchill once famously stated, “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” While Churchill was talking about the fate of nations, the fate of marriage can also benefit from this observation.

Do you ever feel like you are having the same arguments over and over in your marriage? I know my wife and I have felt that way. Our disagreements often take the same form.

We share a few curt, stinging words with each other, withdraw and give each other the silent treatment until one of us breaks and admits our faults.

We have gotten much better at breaking this cycle, but for many years this unhealthy pattern played out again and again in our marriage. It didn’t matter what the trigger was. Simple acts like loading the dishwasher or speaking in the wrong tone of voice would set one of us off. And like clockwork, two days of silence would ensue.

I recently read a book called 5 Days to a New Marriage, in which the author assigned a name to this chain of events. He called it the “Pain Cycle.” The premise is that through interactions with our parents, siblings and peers during our formative years, we have engrained a certain reaction to emotional pain.

Because our brains are designed to react quickly to painful stimuli, we normally default to whatever our learned response is to emotional pain. Often that default reaction isn’t healthy.

Painful encounters with our spouse can dredge up feelings of failure, inadequacy, disconnectedness, hopelessness and insecurity that are rooted in childhood. And once those feelings arise we react with our default coping behaviors, which for me and Jody included getting defensive, withdrawing and isolating.

Our Pain Cycles tend to feed off of each other and spiral us further and further away from our spouse. The author claimed that most marriages have the same fight over and over. Though there are many triggers for the arguments, the triggers almost always produce identical results.

In that light, it is easy to apply Prime Minister Churchill’s statement to marriage. When we fail to properly look back at our personal history to understand the source of our actions, we are doomed to repeat them.

These actions are sometimes repeated ad nauseam until one, or both, of the spouses give up on the marriage. Then those same actions are often dragged into second and even third marriages.

An important first step in eradicating these unwanted behaviors is understanding their origins. As Socrates said, “Know thyself.”

Time spent in introspection revealed to me the lasting effects of being a preacher’s kid, an army brat and one who stood about a foot taller than my peers through elementary school. I often felt like I was on the outside, and conflict with my wife drags up some of those same feelings.

Acknowledging the past, we then we have to work to form new ways of thinking to break this cycle. Neuroscience has revealed that our patterns of thinking become physically engrained in our brains. Just as walking through a field over and over will wear a rut, thinking the same thoughts over and over creates a well-worn path of least resistance.

To get out of that rut, we must establish a new reaction to emotional pain, one that is born not out of past hurt but is rooted in Biblical truths. We are not alone. We are loved. We are worthy. And we must repeat these truths over and over until they have forged new paths that allow us to react to conflict in new, healthier ways.

Conflict is inevitable. Even when we love our spouses dearly, we will eventually clash over differing opinions. How we chose to react to these clashes has a major impact on the health of our marriage. Do we continue to have the same fight over and over? Or do we diffuse the conflict by fixing our half of the marriage?

Diverting from the path we have always traveled to forge a new way of thinking is difficult. It inherently means we will encounter resistance, and we will want to go back to the way we’ve always done things. But with practice, new habits become easier and easier.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

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Different By Design

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yin yang2Unless you have been living on another planet, you’ve likely heard the term “Men are from Mars – Women are from Venus.”

Even as a kid, I remember a less cerebral version of this saying that we chanted on the playground: “Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider! Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars!” Perhaps instead of going to Mars, we boys should have gone to English class to learn grammatically correct methods of insulting the girls.

One of my favorite illustrations of gender differences comes in the form of a song from comedian Sean Morey. Titled “He Said, She Said,” the song brings light to how men and women communicate differently. Here are a few lines:

She said, “You look handsome today dear.”  –  He heard, “I just bought something really expensive.”

He said, “I’m thinking about buying a motorcycle.”  –  She heard, “I’m in the mood for a BIG fight.”

She said, “It was fun visiting your mother.”  –  He heard, “You owe me big time!!”

He said, “Would you mind squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom?”  –  She heard, “Do you mind living with an anal-retentive neurotic?”

There are many sayings and jokes that all drive home the point that men and women, boys and girls are very different creatures. Even as children, gender differences are vast, and that divide grows even wider with age.

We think, speak, act, remember and approach problems differently. We relate to others differently. And we give and receive love differently.

When you add into the mix each person’s unique upbringings, life experiences, cultural differences, age gaps and birth order, it starts to seem like a miracle that any marriage stands the test of time. And yet, they do survive…and even thrive. We are different by design.

The first chapter of the Bible gives insight into our design. Verse 27 reads, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Men and women each uniquely possess traits that reflect the nature of our Creator.

At birth, before society has implanted any notion of gender roles, we are intentionally wired differently. The design of marriage is to join those different traits to make us better than we could be on our own.

My wife and I are certainly have contrasting backgrounds and personalities. And while those differences sometimes lead to disagreements in our marriage, they also serve us well. I am a very cautious, neat, solitary, calculating person who tends to be a little too clinical and tentative. My wife on the other hand is a very spontaneous, fun, outgoing, loving person who others are immediately drawn too.

Sometimes our differences make it difficult to understand each other’s motives or to see life through the other’s eyes. But when we are able to assume the best in each other and not let our differences divide us, those differences become strengths that push us toward growth.

If not for my wife, I would have let fear or anxiety sideline me on multiple occasions. She challenges me and calls me to action. I am learning from her what it means to demonstrate love. If not for me, my wife likely would have declared bankruptcy years ago. And the seed for her faith was planted by me. The combination of head and heart that we bring to our marriage has made us so much better than we could be on our own.

The Gestalt psychologist Kurt Koffka was famous for his idea that, “The whole is other than the sum of its parts.” This notion is perfect for marriage as two very different parts unite to form a whole that is more complete and well-rounded than the individuals are alone. And that whole is closer to God’s image than the parts can ever hope to be.

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Don’t Be An Ass

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I am a stubborn man. Truth be told, I sometimes walk a really thin line between stubborn and stupid.

A few years back, that line became really blurry when I injured myself during a canoeing trip.

I wore flip flops on that fateful day, which any experienced canoer will tell you is not smart. A dry summer had left the water so low that I frequently found myself outside the canoe pushing or pulling the vessel through low points in the river.

With my flip flops continually slipping off my feet, I tossed them in the boat and went barefoot.

You can probably guess what happened next. A couple miles into the trip, I gashed the bottom of my foot on a broken bottle.

This was no surface wound, and most of my friends cringed at the seriousness of the cut. Everyone advised that a hospital visit should be in my very near future, but I had a different idea.

You see, I have a stubborn (some may say stupid) aversion to seeking help from medical professionals. And frankly, I didn’t want to endure the pain or cost (in money or time) of getting stitches.

Although basic sense told everyone else who looked at my wound that I needed stitches, I was sure it was nothing a Band-Aid and some Neosporin couldn’t handle. After a week of cleaning and bandaging, my foot still hurt a lot and wasn’t healing well.

But I was already learning to live with it. I changed my walk to avoid putting pressure on that area and began to accept that I might always have some pain when I walked.

One night while cleaning my wound, I decided to look deeper into the cut to see how the healing was going on the inside. That’s when I discovered that there was still a piece of glass in my foot that I’d been walking on for well over a week.

Goodbye stubborn, hello stupid!

Now I can look back at this incident and laugh at what a fool I was, but it was far less funny when I realized I had been doing the same thing in my marriage. Over a decade, my marriage slowly drifted from the honeymoon phase to complacency to contempt on our worse days.

We were suffering from a wound that we tried to ignore and slap Band-Aids on, but there was something below the surface we were failing to address.

In my mind, I explained the complacency away and learned to live with the pain as we gradually adjusted to this existence. Our marriage was never terrible, but it was far from great.

My wife (Jody) and I both eventually settled for a state of quiet desperation. Tragically, more marriages exist in this state than you might imagine.

As Jody and I have been sharing our story with others and attempting to use our nearly-failed marriage to bring healing, it has become apparent that this quiet desperation is an epidemic.

When the shininess of marriage grows dull and the veil of illusion is lifted from our spouse, many of us find ourselves living in mediocre, unfulfilling marriages…and we just accept it.

At this point, there are three basic paths one can take: get divorced, accept mediocrity or start fighting for a great marriage.

Divorce seems like an easy out when the going gets tough.  While many of us just keep plodding along, choosing to live with the pain instead of seeking to identify and eliminate the source.

When discontent eventually led me and Jody to the brink of divorce, we decided to start putting in the hard work to make our marriage better.

This road is not easy. It calls for a great deal of humility to really assess one’s flaws as a spouse and as a person. The honesty required to chip away at years of half-truths and niceties can be extremely painful. And maintaining open, meaningful dialogue on a regular basis is downright hard work…especially for men.

We sought professional counseling, read numerous books on marriage, dedicated one night a week to talking and basically absorbed any information we could find on how to become better spouses.

The thought of all this work and the potential pain that comes from looking into our wounds is enough to keep many couples living on the surface, trapped in mediocrity. I know it kept me stuck for more years than I care to admit.

My encouragement for anyone who finds themselves in this kind of existence is to choose the narrow path. Begin to do the hard work to transform your relationship into the marriage that God intended for you to have.

Don’t let fear or comfort keep you stuck in mediocrity. Don’t ignore that feeling that your marriage isn’t what it should be. And don’t let stubbornness keep you from seeking help.

But don’t be stubborn and stupid like horses and mules who, if not reined by leather and metal, will run wild, ignoring their masters. – Psalm 32:9 (VOICE)

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2015 Vision

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binocularsI am not a New-Year’s-resolution-making kind of guy. I know most resolutions don’t make it past Valentine’s Day. And if I have resolved to make a change in my life, I work on that change regardless of what time of year it is.

But I understand the appeal of resolutions. There is something about a fresh start in a new year, about having a chance for a do-over, that can bring hope. The accountability that comes with establishing a goal and sharing it with others can also be helpful.

Though I don’t do resolutions, this year my wife and I tried something new. We had a visioning session where we talked about our hopes and goals for 2015. We broke our discussion down into three areas: Relationship, Parenting and Finances. We talked about big picture goals – like being more patient with our son. And we talked about specific actions we can take and habits we would like to develop to help achieve the big picture goals.

I recently heard former NFL coach, Tony Dungy discuss the importance of vision and planning in life. He used the analogy of a football coaching staff that watches film to prepare for their opponents. They anticipate and plan their response to the adverse situations that they are likely to encounter in the game. Then they prepare for those situations through practicing – engraining the correct response into their minds and creating muscle memory.  Winning football teams don’t just show up on game day and hope for the best. The combination of strategy (vision) and practice (discipline) are vital to success.

I have to admit that I’ve spent much of my life just winging it.  I have showed up on game day thinking good intentions and a good heart were sufficient to get me through most circumstances. But I have been woefully unprepared for many of the situations in which I’ve found myself as a husband and a dad.  Poor preparation means that I failed to react to adverse conditions properly even after finding myself facing those same conditions over and over.

Despite developing several disciplines over the years that have poised me for success, I have spent little time setting goals in my personal life. I understand, however, that this is a practice that successful people employ to achieve their success. It is even identified as one of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  I took the Seven Habits class years ago, but I never took habit number two (begin with the end in mind) to heart.  The highly ineffective habit that I have is running and gunning with a loose purpose but no clear vision of what the end looks like.

Because my success as a husband and father is so important to me, I decided to invest some time envisioning what I want 2015 to look like for me and my family. It was actually exciting thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead. Seeing the man I want to grow into, the habits I want to develop and those I want to eliminate created a greater sense of hope for the future. It was equally good to hear my wife share her hopes for the year ahead to make sure we are on the same page in setting direction for our family.

A few of our goals for the year ahead are to read a couple’s devotional daily, to begin marriage mentoring with young couples, to increase our trust in each other, to stop raising our voices with our kids, to research and have an age-appropriate discussion with our son about sex and to go have at least one overnight get-away as a couple.

Setting these goals is just the beginning. Discipline and follow through are necessary to transform these goals into reality.   I know that greatness rarely happens to those who wing it through life, to those who lack vision. And I am certain that even with a clear vision for the future, I will encounter resistance as I try to develop new, healthy habits. My body and mind will try to push me away from difficult, towards easy…to convince me that my goals are unrealistic or not worth pursuing.  But the path of least resistance is almost never the path to success.

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So I Married An Introvert

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introvertI am guessing that being married to an introvert is at least slightly better than being married to an axe murderer, although the latter probably makes for more interesting conversation at cocktail parties. If you’ve never seen the movie So I Married An Axe Murderer, then you are probably lost right now. In the 1993 film, Mike Myers’ character (Charlie) falls in love with a woman (Harriet) whom he later suspects to be an axe murderer. Spoiler alert – she’s not an axe murderer, but her sister is.

Sometimes I think my wife (Jody) probably feels like the victim of a bait and switch in our relationship. She falls for guy who is fun and outgoing but later suspects that he is an introvert. Spoiler alert – I am a flaming introvert.

We introverts get a bad rap. Introversion is often associated with shyness, social awkwardness, insecurity and/or lack of emotion. But I can assure you that my quiet demeanor isn’t born out of inability. Through my job and through church, I have led several small groups. I’ve spoken, sang and acted in front of hundreds of people. But small talk can drain me. Crowds are exhausting.

I experience a full range of emotions. I am moved by art. I am passionate about helping others. I love my family so deeply that I struggle to find sufficient words to even reveal the tip of this emotional iceberg. And therein lies the rub…the crux of a union between an introvert and an extrovert. My wife needs to feel my passion and my love through my actions and through my words. Yet those words don’t find their way frequently enough from my heart to my wife’s ears.

Words matter. I have seen first-hand the damage that harsh, hasty words shot from my mouth have inflicted upon my wife. And I have also witnessed the life-giving power of well-timed, sincere expressions of praise and gratitude.

Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote, “Words – so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”

I believe words take on added significance coming from the mouths of introverts. Our words can be fewer and farther between than those of extroverts so there is usually more calculation and thought behind these expressions. Thus there is greater responsibility on the introvert to make our words matter.

Because we don’t wear our hearts on our sleeves, our loved ones must often infer what we are thinking or feeling. This is an area of improvement where I have focused my efforts in recent years. I try not to leave my wife guessing about the condition of my heart.

I am still a work in progress as I don’t always volunteer enough information. Jody still asks me what I’m thinking and if I’m okay. But I don’t falsely answer “Nothing” or “I’m fine” if indeed there is something troubling me. There’s still room to grow here, but I think there always will be.

I have also gotten better at complimenting and thanking my wife. These feelings of appreciation, respect, attraction and admiration often enter my mind, but in the past that’s about as far as they went. It is vitally important that when these thoughts occur, I express them. Sometimes these thoughts enter when I’m not around my wife so I will text or email her a quick message to let her know that I’m thinking of her. Post-it notes stashed in her purse or stuck to the dash of her car achieve the same end.

What it boils down to is that wives need their husbands to share with them. But so many of us have left our wives longing for honest, meaningful conversation…longing for glimpses into our minds and hearts. Many of roadblocks can stand in the way. For me introversion is a big barrier. For others, it may be busy schedules, stoicism, distractions, golf, work, exhaustion, insert your excuse here. But I can think of no excuse great enough for us to stop growing into better men and to stop striving to understand and meet the needs of our wives.

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The Happiest Place on Earth…Really?

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disneyMy marriage has recently been put to the test. My wife (Jody) and I had our patience pulled thin and our communication abilities challenged as we faced the grueling gauntlet that is Disney World.

I find Disney’s moniker of “The Happiest Place on Earth” to be misleading. Clearly the spin man who came up with this gem of a catch phrase has never been to the Magic Kingdom on the day after Thanksgiving with a seven and three-year-old in tow. I’m thinking “The Crowdedest Place on Earth” or “The Priciest Hamburgers on Earth” might be more fitting.

In all seriousness, this was probably our best visit to a theme park that we have ever had, and we’ve been to several. Don’t get me wrong, the place was jam-packed with people who navigate strollers even worse than they drive. We grew exhausted. We ached from carrying kids. We got cold. But we never lost our cool with each other or the kids.

That might not seem like a major achievement to many, but for lesser mortals like us, this was huge! More often than not when I am put in the midst of crowds for an entire day, lugging whiny kids across miles of theme park, I end up losing my patience. The communication between me and Jody typically breaks down at some point, and we start snapping at each other and the kids.

The issues we face with patience and communication aren’t actually caused by the theme park. These flaws are always there but usually remain hidden until life circumstances become unfavorable. When I’m fatigued, when I am annoyed, when things don’t go according to my plan, when my kids whine – the chink in the armor receives a direct hit. And a side of me that I don’t like is revealed.

I read recently that when we have an angry outburst, it is a moment of “temporary insanity.” In that moment, we have lost control of our faculties. And to see a video recording of one of these outbursts would show just how ugly they can be. Sadly, I’ve had more of these outbursts than I care to admit.

But this trip to Disney that was free from any disputes or impatience offered me great hope. This change didn’t happen by chance though.  Jody and I have been in training, working diligently at becoming better spouses and parents – in that order.

For us, training takes on many different forms. Both of us are up early each morning reading books that will help us grow. While we’re not always reading books that are directly related to marriage or parenting, all of the reading is aimed at developing traits in us that will help in both areas. I have to feed my mind with healthy input if I expect a healthy output.

Even those of us who “aren’t readers” or can’t find the time or motivation to read books have options. Through social media and email, short daily articles can help to fill that void. I subscribe or follow several good ones: All Pro Dad, Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson and Stepping Up are a few of my favorites.

Besides just reading, I need real live people to keep it real with me and to speak truth into my life. Jody and I are in a couple’s group together as well as men’s and women’s groups that help to keep us pointed in the right direction and provide valuable insight from other spouses and parents.

I am stubborn and sometimes lose perspective, so I need the daily discipline of filling my mind positive directions. And I need to the community of others to remind me that I’m not alone and to push me towards growth. Through this repetitive instruction, some lofty concepts have stuck and have helped transform my reactions to life circumstances.

I would love to say that I never lose my cool, and that I’m a master of self-control…but neither is true. After our victory at Disney though, I am feeling reassured that the training is paying off.

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Measuring Up

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rulerI am not a big fan of ‘reality’ television. Many of the shows in this genre are scripted or staged with the intent of creating conflict among the cast members. Calling these shows reality is a bit like calling Jerry Springer a pillar of society. However, there are a couple of these programs that embed a camera crew smack dab in the middle of people’s lives giving viewers glimpses of some pretty insane realities.

Hoarders and Cops were two guilty pleasures for me. I no longer have cable, and Cops was dropped from a major network so I haven’t seen either in a long time. But when I had access to these shows, there was something about them that drew me in.

A big part of the appeal of these programs was that they made me feel better about my own life. I mean my house may not be clean, but at least there are no dead cats in my living room. And I may have some relationship problems, but at least my wife has never stabbed me with a steak knife for using the last of the crystal meth…not yet anyway.

I relished in the messiness of these people’s lives because it made mine feel like less of a mess. When it comes to setting the bar for my life, I haven’t always placed it very high. Avoiding dead cats and steak knife stabbings is pretty much the bottom rung.

This way of thinking – of measuring myself against others – has been pretty toxic in my life. And it has actually kept me from growing in some areas. For several years, I compared my efforts as a husband and as a father to those around me.

Thoughts like “At least my marriage is better than ___,” or “At least my kids are better behaved than ___” fooled me into thinking I had my stuff together. These comparison statements all have one thing in common – the word ‘least.’ I used to set my sights on minimal achievement levels.

A perennial C student of life, I failed to envision what my marriage could be or how I could be a better dad. What would it look like if I strived for the most in these areas of my life instead of being content with knowing that at least I was better than someone else?

Eventually, I learned that all of the settling and compromising I’d done left a lot to be desired by my wife and son. My basic goals of avoiding conflict and trying to be just slightly better than those around me left me my family feeling unfulfilled and lacking in leadership. From the outside, my life looked pretty good, but the inside might as well have been filled with dead cats. My life was kind of a mess.

I still find myself using this comparative kind of thinking, but these days, more often than not, I’m comparing me to myself. I know I’m not the best me I can be, but I’m better than I was last year…and way better than I was five years ago. This way of thinking actually helps to perpetuate my growth. And it keeps me from belittling others in my mind or from beating myself up because I don’t measure up to someone else.

My ultimate goal is not just avoiding being stabbed or keeping up with the Jones’s but to measure up to the standards laid out in the Bible. I want to be humble, patient, loving, disciplined, compassionate and forgiving in every encounter. I am definitely not there yet, but I have a much clearer vision of who I am striving to be. And as I look back, I can see just how far I’ve come.

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Truth Hurts

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LS020106Truth hurts…but it also sets you free. Throughout the course of our lives, we will receive all kinds of mixed messages about the truth. Some extol the necessity of truth, while others speak of the pain that it can cause. For some, truth is relative. For others, it is a weapon.

What I’ve learned in my fourteen years of marriage is that truth is a must. It is the foundation of trust, and trust is essential in a meaningful relationship. Being truthful sounds so easy, but it has proven to be difficult. Even those of us who claim to be honest, can find ourselves at a moral crossroads when posed with the age-old question – Do these jeans make my butt look big?

I know I’m making light of a very serious topic, but even a seemingly innocent question like this can create a moral dilemma in a man. If the true answer to the question is “yes,” does one tell the truth and risk hurting the feelings of the one you love? Or does one bend the truth, preserving your wife’s feelings while starting down a slippery slope of dishonesty?

Through much of my marriage, my wife (Jody) and I avoided difficult or painful truths. We both had some shadowy areas in our lives that we kept from one another. Sometimes I think we both knew that these shadows existed, but we also knew that shining a light on these shadows would create discomfort and hurt. So we lived much of our lives on the surface, failing to advance because advancing would require painful truth.

As we got older and wiser, the need for total honesty became more evident so we eventually had those uncomfortable conversations. And boy did they hurt! The hurt eventually faded though as it always does, and it was replaced by a deep respect. It also laid a solid foundation upon which we began building trust.

Jody and I have committed to being completely and lovingly honest with one another, but it’s not always easy. For me, factual truth is no problem. I can tell Jody, without wavering, about all my actions, because I don’t have anything to hide from her. My brain can recall and regurgitate facts at will.  Where I sometimes struggle is with emotional truth – explaining how I’m feeling in the moment.

I would venture to say that more men struggle with this problem than women. One of the most deceptive phrases in marriage is “I’m fine.” I’ve said it many times when I wasn’t in fact fine. Most of the time, I wasn’t intentionally trying to deceive, but I wasn’t really in touch with what was going on inside me.

Sometimes there is a state of discontent in me that I don’t fully understand until I take the time to think about it and trace the feeling to its root. It’s so much easier to say “I’m fine” than it is to self-analyze. But the easy road is seldom the right road. Strong marriages are not built upon easy. They are built upon trust – a trust earned over time through total, loving honesty.

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Big Buts

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butI like big buts and I cannot lie. I typically don’t start my articles with quotes from immortal poets like Sir Mix-A-Lot. However, you will notice that my opening line reads a little differently than Mr. Lot’s timeless prose.

I’m not writing about derrières here. I’m referring to the conjunction – but. This small word separates two contrasting or contradictory ideas. I find myself using this word far too often when talking to my son. It looks something like this:

You did a great job playing defense today, but you should have tried harder on offense.

Good work on your spelling test, but what happened on your math assignment?

My compliments to my son are almost always immediately followed by a critique. I build him up…then I tear him down, often in the same breath. I have good intentions – wanting to compliment my son and help him grow in areas where he’s weak. However, a big but often negates any good I am trying to achieve.

Even though I am aware of this habit, I’ve found it difficult to change. I had been trying to come up with a better approach to this conundrum, and then the answer hit me…

As we were leaving my son’s soccer game, I heard another dad discussing the game with his son. He asked his son, “What do you think you did well in that game?” followed by “What is one thing you think could have done better?”

Brilliant in its simplicity, I promptly stole that technique and applied it after my son’s next game. And it actually worked! He told me about an area where he thought he could use improvement, and that week we worked on it. The best part was that I didn’t come off as critical, nor did I upset my son by badgering him with my suggestions.

This experience reminded me that I am a student of life. It is okay that I don’t have it all figured out. As I seek to improve as a parent and a husband, I have to be humble enough to realize that the best improvement ideas won’t always come from me.

At my work place, we follow a principle called Kaizen. Literally meaning “good change” in Japanese, we reference the concept to mean continuous improvement. We are continuously seeking ideas, big or small, for how we can do things better or more efficiently.

While I’ve transferred this Kaizen approach to my personal life, sometimes I get stuck figuring out how to make the improvement. Recognizing the need for growth can be pretty easy.  A clash with my kids or spouse sends up the red flag, but I don’t always know where to go from there.  How do I eliminate the big buts from my life?

In this instance, the answer fell into my lap, but other ideas for change aren’t so easy to find. Some answers require that I look beyond myself. I have developed a habit of regularly reading books, articles and blogs on marriage and parenting. And I also discuss these issues with other men. You would be surprised at how many of us face the same issues, but we try to find all the answers on our own instead of pooling our knowledge.

The two most important jobs I will ever have are being a husband and being a dad. But I don’t get quarterly reviews in these jobs to let me know where I need improvement.  To grow in both areas, I must live my life with the mindset of a student and keep my ego from standing in the way of accepting improvement ideas. What are the big buts in your life? And what are you doing about them?

turn off & tune in to your spouse