Category Archives: self health

personal growth, self health

Be Careful What You Wish For

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My kids’ Halloween candy is finally gone. Fewer and fewer rotting pumpkin carcasses reside on porches in my cookie cutter community. Santa statuettes marched their way into stores a month ago. And cupid is already waiting in the wings sharpening his arrows and marketing ploys.

In the harried pace of our modern existence, there is danger in not making the time to reflect, to breathe in the moment and to think about the ‘why’ more than the ‘what.’ The great Barry White once implored listeners to “Slow Your Roll.”

I need that reminder to slow down, to process and to reflect. Today as I slow my roll, I am looking back over my summer. I faced some challenges during that three-month span, and I want to ensure that those trials were not encountered in vain.

I have spent a lot of time over the past couple years trying to harness humility. For me humility isn’t a lowly state where I am have no opinion and no voice.

The humility I’m pursuing is one where I am not the center of the universe, where I am more empathetic and aware of the needs of people who I encounter every day and where I am compelled to action to serve the needs of those people.

When I am lacking in humility, my priorities become misaligned. I lose sight of the bigger picture. I do damage to my relationships. So I have been prayerfully focused on this trait.

And I’ve learned to be careful what I ask for, because I just might get it. This summer I encountered three humbling incidents that helped me grow in this area:

The first was a health scare. After some unusual chest pains and faintness, I ended up in the hospital for four nights. Aside from an enlarged right ventricle, I am okay.

But this stay reminded me of how fragile we humans are. In an instant, our world can change. Life is short. That’s not an ad campaign. It is truth.

Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. – Psalm 90:12

The second humbling event was being a leader at a church camp. Spending a week in the woods with kids, was a solid reminder that I need to be more childlike. In the woods, you are stripped of possessions and titles.

There was no me-time, no fancy food. There was no self-importance. But there was fun, singing, laughing, budding friendships and a distinct sense that there is more to life than what we see.

And [Jesus] said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 18:3

Lastly, I ran over a chunk of concrete on the highway that destroyed my car’s exhaust and took it out of commission for two weeks. I drive a luxury car that I have personalized and have spent a lot of time caring for. The car feels almost like an extension of me. I didn’t realize how much of my identity is wrapped up in that car until I lost it for a couple weeks.

Possessions, no matter how precious they may seem, do not matter. They all fade. A life spent pursuing things is a life wasted.

Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moths and vermin destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moths and vermin do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. – Matthew 6:19-21

I am stubborn, so sometimes my life lessons have to take the shape of a 2×4 upside my noggin. I don’t particularly enjoy those moments, but I recognize their importance. I need them to put me in my place.

We should all try to remember our place in the universe. Here’s a hint – we don’t reside at the center.

marriage & parenting, personal growth, self health

3 Days in the Hospital – 3 Lessons Learned

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Last week I was plucked from my life for three harrowing days. Stripped of my belongings and even my clothes, I was locked away from the world with my every move being monitored. I was stabbed repeatedly and even injected with radioactive material.

I was in the hospital.

After a couple day of dealing with dubious chest pains, I thought it prudent to visit my local ER with the hopes that they could dispel my suspicion of heart attack. Three days later, after running a gauntlet of examinations, an automatic sliding glass door powered open granting me freedom from the medical center.

Long story short, I did not have a heart attack, but I do have an enlarged right ventricle which will require that I log more hours in the sterile spaces of our health care system.

Three days of torturous day-time TV and conversations about mortality, afford one a lot of opportunity to reflect on life and to think about the things that truly matter. Three observations stuck with me and are still bouncing around my head as I still linger in the shadow of this experience:

  1. My family’s needs supersede my own. I HATE going to doctors. I avoid them at all costs, even at my own peril. If it were up to me, I would opt out of my company’s heath care program and stock up on duct tape and gauze. But I’m regularly reminded that it’s not about me. I’m the leader of my home, and my family’s needs take precedence over my preference. If I were a single guy, I would have skipped the ER. I would have washed down a pair of Ibuprofen with some beer and hoped for the best. But, it’s not about me.
  2. I need people in my life. As a raging introvert who’s pursuing the rugged individualistic American dream, I try to weather most storms on my own. I don’t like to bring people into my messes. I posted no selfies in my hospital gown because I didn’t want people feeling sorry for me or reaching out to me. Frankly, there’s something wrong with that approach to life. Some did find out about my condition and reached out to me to encourage me. I needed that. It made a difference. I felt fairly isolated from humanity during my stay, like a con locked in the bing. Freedom came in the form of encouraging words.
  3. I need to be more humble. Okay, this thought wasn’t some grand revelation. I knew this already. I’ve been praying about humility and about breaking down my wall of pride for some time. In a way, this experience was an answer to prayer. Being wheeled through a hospital in an open-backed gown, unshaven, unbathed, blood-stained, exhausted is a humbling experience. Remembering the frailty of the human condition gives laser focus. Recognizing that I’m not in control, nor have I ever been in control of my life is reorienting. I needed all that

Friends, we are all going to find ourselves in positions from which we want to escape. I almost yanked out my IV and ninja-walked out of that hospital on day two. But I trusted there was some reason I was there, and that I would take something away from the experience. I hated it in the moment though.

If you find yourself in such a situation today, my encouragement would be to figure out why you’re there. God brought you to it. How do you need Him to equip you or change you to get through it? Don’t face it alone. You are not alone.

If you need someone to talk to, you can email me at jwilloughby443@gmail.com or call (800) 273-8255 to talk to a professional.

personal growth, self health

From Fake News to Transcendence

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One of the buzzword phrases of 2017 was ‘fake news.’ People are suddenly so indignant about the falsified news feeds that fill our social media pages. It’s funny how we selectively care about some of the junk that’s fed to us by the media, but we gobble up other garbage like it’s filet mignon.

News flash: Most of our culture is a fake news feed.

We place materialism above altruism. We place politics over people. We pray at the feet of celebrity gods. We allow our id’s hungers to overpower our innate sense of right and wrong.

As the human race, we have lost focus on what matters most, often seeking meaning and joy from all the wrong places.

Joy should come from relationships and helping our fellow man, but we have reduced joy to a marketing campaign – a false promise on the other end of a credit card transaction. A fleeting feeling from a deviant sexual relationship. A secret addiction’s carrot before the crushing blow of the stick.

Don’t get me wrong. I recognize that there are millions of good people in the world who get it. People who see through the smokescreen of main-stream culture’s false promises. People who have rightly aligned their priorities and are serving their brothers and sisters. People who are leading their families in the ways of truth.

But I also know it’s easy for good people to lose perspective. I know how hard it is for me to stay focused on the things that matter most…on the people who matter most.

I am lured into purchases I don’t need. I have allowed my flesh to take the driver’s seat that my mind should rightly occupy. I have to fight daily against the fake feeds to recognize the real.

Psychologist Abraham Maslow was famous for his theory know as the ‘Hierarchy of Needs.’ The theory places basic survival needs at its base. After survival, come our psychological needs, and the paramount of this pyramid used to be self-actualization. Maslow refined his theory in the 70s, placing ‘transcendence’ at the peak of human needs.

In other words, mankind’s ultimate goal is to reach a point where our lives transcend our own needs. Purposeful lives look beyond themselves, beyond the temporary.

This transcendence can take many forms, but Maslow observed a common experience among people who reached this state. He called them ‘peak experiences,’ describing them as, “rare, exciting, oceanic, deeply moving, exhilarating, elevating experiences that generate an advanced form of perceiving reality, and are even mystic and magical in their effect upon the experimenter.”

These blissful moments didn’t happen after buying a car, after a promotion or after a certain political party was voted into office.

These moments of pure joy often occur in the most mundane circumstances: while sharing breakfast with family, taking a walk in the woods or watching the sunrise in the still of dawn.

Have you ever encountered one of these pure joy, peak moments? I have.

I have experienced it when truly recognizing the beauty of creation and the world around us. I have felt the connectedness of humankind in a way that has moved me to tears. Moments with my wife and children have filled me with unspeakable joy.

All of these experiences have given me glimpses into true joy. Sadly, these moments are fleeting for me, often replaced by anxiety about work, selfish desires or other clouded thoughts about things that don’t matter.

My prayer for each of us is that we will be able to harness these moments of joy. I believe these peak experiences are glimpses of truth. They are reminders that we are part of something great, something unseen, something impossible to fully fathom.

Do you feel it from time to time? Bask in it. Let the fakeness of mass media and the false promises of addiction melt into nothing in the warmth of its rays. You and I were created for more.

marriage, personal growth, self health

In Our Darkest Valleys We Need Hope

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Oasis isn’t just a terrible band from the 90’s with a front man who had more attitude than ability. (Full disclosure – I still like their song “Wonder Wall.”)

An oasis is something that is off in the distance that offers hope. It is a watering hole in the desert. It is dreaming of a beach vacation in the dead of winter. It is a meal at the end of a fast.

An oasis is the promise of something greater than what we are currently enduring. We all need a carrot of hope dangling in front of us to get us through tough times.

Sometimes the valleys through which we travel may not be that tough. We may simply find ourselves stuck in an emotional, spiritual or relational rut. The days run together, and gray skies seem to linger incessantly.

Other times we find ourselves treading some very rough roads. We must deal with loss, disappointment, unfulfilled dreams, betrayal, illness or other forms of brokenness that make it difficult to even find the motivation to get out of bed.

Whether we’re just feeling the winter blues or we’re living through hell, we all need hope. I know because the last decade of my life has seen both of these seasons.

I’ve had times when it was difficult to distinguish one day from the next, when finding motivation was challenging. And I’ve trudged through some painful, dark valleys brought on by the loss of my sister and the near loss of my marriage, when I found it difficult to even put one foot in front of the other.

What got me through both seasons was hope. It was the recognition that life is a series of peaks and valleys, and no matter how deep the valley, it can’t last forever.

I wasn’t always a believer in the Bible, but a particularly long dark stretch brought me to the Word seeking hope. What I found within its pages were story after story about people who endured hardship and thrived in the face of it.

There were no promises of easy lives. But there were many promises that we will be shepherded through difficulty, that hardship can change us for the better and that we have access to strength beyond what we think possible.

Even after emerging from the darkest period of my life, I still find myself in seasons where I struggle to find joy. If you’ve lived through winter in Ohio, you probably know what I’m talking about.

To get through these seasons, I have to find little oases in my life. I look for glimmers of hope. I remind myself that spring always comes after winter.

One of the ways I do that in my marriage is by scheduling what my wife and I call an ‘annual abandon.’ We go on overnight trips without our kids. It’s a break from the routine and gives us something to look forward to.

We also enjoy date nights with some regularity. We try to make these dates happen monthly, but it can be difficult with two young kids and limited baby-sitting options.

I also look for small daily oases. They come in the form of prayer/meditation in the morning, family time in the evening, home-cooked meals, walking my dog, holding hands with my wife while watching TV or movie nights with the kids.

They aren’t extravagant events, but these simple moments bring joy and make the stress and drudgery of work all worth it.

If you are simply stuck or drowning in darkness, I encourage you to find your own glimmers of hope. Even if an annual abandon is outside of your scope at the moment, look for an oasis each day.

There is so much joy and wonder in the world if you look at it right. Figure out what brings you joy. Focus on it, and move towards it.