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2015 Vision

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binocularsI am not a New-Year’s-resolution-making kind of guy. I know most resolutions don’t make it past Valentine’s Day. And if I have resolved to make a change in my life, I work on that change regardless of what time of year it is.

But I understand the appeal of resolutions. There is something about a fresh start in a new year, about having a chance for a do-over, that can bring hope. The accountability that comes with establishing a goal and sharing it with others can also be helpful.

Though I don’t do resolutions, this year my wife and I tried something new. We had a visioning session where we talked about our hopes and goals for 2015. We broke our discussion down into three areas: Relationship, Parenting and Finances. We talked about big picture goals – like being more patient with our son. And we talked about specific actions we can take and habits we would like to develop to help achieve the big picture goals.

I recently heard former NFL coach, Tony Dungy discuss the importance of vision and planning in life. He used the analogy of a football coaching staff that watches film to prepare for their opponents. They anticipate and plan their response to the adverse situations that they are likely to encounter in the game. Then they prepare for those situations through practicing – engraining the correct response into their minds and creating muscle memory.  Winning football teams don’t just show up on game day and hope for the best. The combination of strategy (vision) and practice (discipline) are vital to success.

I have to admit that I’ve spent much of my life just winging it.  I have showed up on game day thinking good intentions and a good heart were sufficient to get me through most circumstances. But I have been woefully unprepared for many of the situations in which I’ve found myself as a husband and a dad.  Poor preparation means that I failed to react to adverse conditions properly even after finding myself facing those same conditions over and over.

Despite developing several disciplines over the years that have poised me for success, I have spent little time setting goals in my personal life. I understand, however, that this is a practice that successful people employ to achieve their success. It is even identified as one of the Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.  I took the Seven Habits class years ago, but I never took habit number two (begin with the end in mind) to heart.  The highly ineffective habit that I have is running and gunning with a loose purpose but no clear vision of what the end looks like.

Because my success as a husband and father is so important to me, I decided to invest some time envisioning what I want 2015 to look like for me and my family. It was actually exciting thinking about the possibilities that lie ahead. Seeing the man I want to grow into, the habits I want to develop and those I want to eliminate created a greater sense of hope for the future. It was equally good to hear my wife share her hopes for the year ahead to make sure we are on the same page in setting direction for our family.

A few of our goals for the year ahead are to read a couple’s devotional daily, to begin marriage mentoring with young couples, to increase our trust in each other, to stop raising our voices with our kids, to research and have an age-appropriate discussion with our son about sex and to go have at least one overnight get-away as a couple.

Setting these goals is just the beginning. Discipline and follow through are necessary to transform these goals into reality.   I know that greatness rarely happens to those who wing it through life, to those who lack vision. And I am certain that even with a clear vision for the future, I will encounter resistance as I try to develop new, healthy habits. My body and mind will try to push me away from difficult, towards easy…to convince me that my goals are unrealistic or not worth pursuing.  But the path of least resistance is almost never the path to success.

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So I Married An Introvert

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introvertI am guessing that being married to an introvert is at least slightly better than being married to an axe murderer, although the latter probably makes for more interesting conversation at cocktail parties. If you’ve never seen the movie So I Married An Axe Murderer, then you are probably lost right now. In the 1993 film, Mike Myers’ character (Charlie) falls in love with a woman (Harriet) whom he later suspects to be an axe murderer. Spoiler alert – she’s not an axe murderer, but her sister is.

Sometimes I think my wife (Jody) probably feels like the victim of a bait and switch in our relationship. She falls for guy who is fun and outgoing but later suspects that he is an introvert. Spoiler alert – I am a flaming introvert.

We introverts get a bad rap. Introversion is often associated with shyness, social awkwardness, insecurity and/or lack of emotion. But I can assure you that my quiet demeanor isn’t born out of inability. Through my job and through church, I have led several small groups. I’ve spoken, sang and acted in front of hundreds of people. But small talk can drain me. Crowds are exhausting.

I experience a full range of emotions. I am moved by art. I am passionate about helping others. I love my family so deeply that I struggle to find sufficient words to even reveal the tip of this emotional iceberg. And therein lies the rub…the crux of a union between an introvert and an extrovert. My wife needs to feel my passion and my love through my actions and through my words. Yet those words don’t find their way frequently enough from my heart to my wife’s ears.

Words matter. I have seen first-hand the damage that harsh, hasty words shot from my mouth have inflicted upon my wife. And I have also witnessed the life-giving power of well-timed, sincere expressions of praise and gratitude.

Nathaniel Hawthorne wrote, “Words – so innocent and powerless as they are, as standing in a dictionary, how potent for good and evil they become in the hands of one who knows how to combine them.”

I believe words take on added significance coming from the mouths of introverts. Our words can be fewer and farther between than those of extroverts so there is usually more calculation and thought behind these expressions. Thus there is greater responsibility on the introvert to make our words matter.

Because we don’t wear our hearts on our sleeves, our loved ones must often infer what we are thinking or feeling. This is an area of improvement where I have focused my efforts in recent years. I try not to leave my wife guessing about the condition of my heart.

I am still a work in progress as I don’t always volunteer enough information. Jody still asks me what I’m thinking and if I’m okay. But I don’t falsely answer “Nothing” or “I’m fine” if indeed there is something troubling me. There’s still room to grow here, but I think there always will be.

I have also gotten better at complimenting and thanking my wife. These feelings of appreciation, respect, attraction and admiration often enter my mind, but in the past that’s about as far as they went. It is vitally important that when these thoughts occur, I express them. Sometimes these thoughts enter when I’m not around my wife so I will text or email her a quick message to let her know that I’m thinking of her. Post-it notes stashed in her purse or stuck to the dash of her car achieve the same end.

What it boils down to is that wives need their husbands to share with them. But so many of us have left our wives longing for honest, meaningful conversation…longing for glimpses into our minds and hearts. Many of roadblocks can stand in the way. For me introversion is a big barrier. For others, it may be busy schedules, stoicism, distractions, golf, work, exhaustion, insert your excuse here. But I can think of no excuse great enough for us to stop growing into better men and to stop striving to understand and meet the needs of our wives.

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The Happiest Place on Earth…Really?

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disneyMy marriage has recently been put to the test. My wife (Jody) and I had our patience pulled thin and our communication abilities challenged as we faced the grueling gauntlet that is Disney World.

I find Disney’s moniker of “The Happiest Place on Earth” to be misleading. Clearly the spin man who came up with this gem of a catch phrase has never been to the Magic Kingdom on the day after Thanksgiving with a seven and three-year-old in tow. I’m thinking “The Crowdedest Place on Earth” or “The Priciest Hamburgers on Earth” might be more fitting.

In all seriousness, this was probably our best visit to a theme park that we have ever had, and we’ve been to several. Don’t get me wrong, the place was jam-packed with people who navigate strollers even worse than they drive. We grew exhausted. We ached from carrying kids. We got cold. But we never lost our cool with each other or the kids.

That might not seem like a major achievement to many, but for lesser mortals like us, this was huge! More often than not when I am put in the midst of crowds for an entire day, lugging whiny kids across miles of theme park, I end up losing my patience. The communication between me and Jody typically breaks down at some point, and we start snapping at each other and the kids.

The issues we face with patience and communication aren’t actually caused by the theme park. These flaws are always there but usually remain hidden until life circumstances become unfavorable. When I’m fatigued, when I am annoyed, when things don’t go according to my plan, when my kids whine – the chink in the armor receives a direct hit. And a side of me that I don’t like is revealed.

I read recently that when we have an angry outburst, it is a moment of “temporary insanity.” In that moment, we have lost control of our faculties. And to see a video recording of one of these outbursts would show just how ugly they can be. Sadly, I’ve had more of these outbursts than I care to admit.

But this trip to Disney that was free from any disputes or impatience offered me great hope. This change didn’t happen by chance though.  Jody and I have been in training, working diligently at becoming better spouses and parents – in that order.

For us, training takes on many different forms. Both of us are up early each morning reading books that will help us grow. While we’re not always reading books that are directly related to marriage or parenting, all of the reading is aimed at developing traits in us that will help in both areas. I have to feed my mind with healthy input if I expect a healthy output.

Even those of us who “aren’t readers” or can’t find the time or motivation to read books have options. Through social media and email, short daily articles can help to fill that void. I subscribe or follow several good ones: All Pro Dad, Family Talk with Dr. James Dobson and Stepping Up are a few of my favorites.

Besides just reading, I need real live people to keep it real with me and to speak truth into my life. Jody and I are in a couple’s group together as well as men’s and women’s groups that help to keep us pointed in the right direction and provide valuable insight from other spouses and parents.

I am stubborn and sometimes lose perspective, so I need the daily discipline of filling my mind positive directions. And I need to the community of others to remind me that I’m not alone and to push me towards growth. Through this repetitive instruction, some lofty concepts have stuck and have helped transform my reactions to life circumstances.

I would love to say that I never lose my cool, and that I’m a master of self-control…but neither is true. After our victory at Disney though, I am feeling reassured that the training is paying off.

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Measuring Up

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rulerI am not a big fan of ‘reality’ television. Many of the shows in this genre are scripted or staged with the intent of creating conflict among the cast members. Calling these shows reality is a bit like calling Jerry Springer a pillar of society. However, there are a couple of these programs that embed a camera crew smack dab in the middle of people’s lives giving viewers glimpses of some pretty insane realities.

Hoarders and Cops were two guilty pleasures for me. I no longer have cable, and Cops was dropped from a major network so I haven’t seen either in a long time. But when I had access to these shows, there was something about them that drew me in.

A big part of the appeal of these programs was that they made me feel better about my own life. I mean my house may not be clean, but at least there are no dead cats in my living room. And I may have some relationship problems, but at least my wife has never stabbed me with a steak knife for using the last of the crystal meth…not yet anyway.

I relished in the messiness of these people’s lives because it made mine feel like less of a mess. When it comes to setting the bar for my life, I haven’t always placed it very high. Avoiding dead cats and steak knife stabbings is pretty much the bottom rung.

This way of thinking – of measuring myself against others – has been pretty toxic in my life. And it has actually kept me from growing in some areas. For several years, I compared my efforts as a husband and as a father to those around me.

Thoughts like “At least my marriage is better than ___,” or “At least my kids are better behaved than ___” fooled me into thinking I had my stuff together. These comparison statements all have one thing in common – the word ‘least.’ I used to set my sights on minimal achievement levels.

A perennial C student of life, I failed to envision what my marriage could be or how I could be a better dad. What would it look like if I strived for the most in these areas of my life instead of being content with knowing that at least I was better than someone else?

Eventually, I learned that all of the settling and compromising I’d done left a lot to be desired by my wife and son. My basic goals of avoiding conflict and trying to be just slightly better than those around me left me my family feeling unfulfilled and lacking in leadership. From the outside, my life looked pretty good, but the inside might as well have been filled with dead cats. My life was kind of a mess.

I still find myself using this comparative kind of thinking, but these days, more often than not, I’m comparing me to myself. I know I’m not the best me I can be, but I’m better than I was last year…and way better than I was five years ago. This way of thinking actually helps to perpetuate my growth. And it keeps me from belittling others in my mind or from beating myself up because I don’t measure up to someone else.

My ultimate goal is not just avoiding being stabbed or keeping up with the Jones’s but to measure up to the standards laid out in the Bible. I want to be humble, patient, loving, disciplined, compassionate and forgiving in every encounter. I am definitely not there yet, but I have a much clearer vision of who I am striving to be. And as I look back, I can see just how far I’ve come.

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Truth Hurts

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LS020106Truth hurts…but it also sets you free. Throughout the course of our lives, we will receive all kinds of mixed messages about the truth. Some extol the necessity of truth, while others speak of the pain that it can cause. For some, truth is relative. For others, it is a weapon.

What I’ve learned in my fourteen years of marriage is that truth is a must. It is the foundation of trust, and trust is essential in a meaningful relationship. Being truthful sounds so easy, but it has proven to be difficult. Even those of us who claim to be honest, can find ourselves at a moral crossroads when posed with the age-old question – Do these jeans make my butt look big?

I know I’m making light of a very serious topic, but even a seemingly innocent question like this can create a moral dilemma in a man. If the true answer to the question is “yes,” does one tell the truth and risk hurting the feelings of the one you love? Or does one bend the truth, preserving your wife’s feelings while starting down a slippery slope of dishonesty?

Through much of my marriage, my wife (Jody) and I avoided difficult or painful truths. We both had some shadowy areas in our lives that we kept from one another. Sometimes I think we both knew that these shadows existed, but we also knew that shining a light on these shadows would create discomfort and hurt. So we lived much of our lives on the surface, failing to advance because advancing would require painful truth.

As we got older and wiser, the need for total honesty became more evident so we eventually had those uncomfortable conversations. And boy did they hurt! The hurt eventually faded though as it always does, and it was replaced by a deep respect. It also laid a solid foundation upon which we began building trust.

Jody and I have committed to being completely and lovingly honest with one another, but it’s not always easy. For me, factual truth is no problem. I can tell Jody, without wavering, about all my actions, because I don’t have anything to hide from her. My brain can recall and regurgitate facts at will.  Where I sometimes struggle is with emotional truth – explaining how I’m feeling in the moment.

I would venture to say that more men struggle with this problem than women. One of the most deceptive phrases in marriage is “I’m fine.” I’ve said it many times when I wasn’t in fact fine. Most of the time, I wasn’t intentionally trying to deceive, but I wasn’t really in touch with what was going on inside me.

Sometimes there is a state of discontent in me that I don’t fully understand until I take the time to think about it and trace the feeling to its root. It’s so much easier to say “I’m fine” than it is to self-analyze. But the easy road is seldom the right road. Strong marriages are not built upon easy. They are built upon trust – a trust earned over time through total, loving honesty.

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Big Buts

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butI like big buts and I cannot lie. I typically don’t start my articles with quotes from immortal poets like Sir Mix-A-Lot. However, you will notice that my opening line reads a little differently than Mr. Lot’s timeless prose.

I’m not writing about derrières here. I’m referring to the conjunction – but. This small word separates two contrasting or contradictory ideas. I find myself using this word far too often when talking to my son. It looks something like this:

You did a great job playing defense today, but you should have tried harder on offense.

Good work on your spelling test, but what happened on your math assignment?

My compliments to my son are almost always immediately followed by a critique. I build him up…then I tear him down, often in the same breath. I have good intentions – wanting to compliment my son and help him grow in areas where he’s weak. However, a big but often negates any good I am trying to achieve.

Even though I am aware of this habit, I’ve found it difficult to change. I had been trying to come up with a better approach to this conundrum, and then the answer hit me…

As we were leaving my son’s soccer game, I heard another dad discussing the game with his son. He asked his son, “What do you think you did well in that game?” followed by “What is one thing you think could have done better?”

Brilliant in its simplicity, I promptly stole that technique and applied it after my son’s next game. And it actually worked! He told me about an area where he thought he could use improvement, and that week we worked on it. The best part was that I didn’t come off as critical, nor did I upset my son by badgering him with my suggestions.

This experience reminded me that I am a student of life. It is okay that I don’t have it all figured out. As I seek to improve as a parent and a husband, I have to be humble enough to realize that the best improvement ideas won’t always come from me.

At my work place, we follow a principle called Kaizen. Literally meaning “good change” in Japanese, we reference the concept to mean continuous improvement. We are continuously seeking ideas, big or small, for how we can do things better or more efficiently.

While I’ve transferred this Kaizen approach to my personal life, sometimes I get stuck figuring out how to make the improvement. Recognizing the need for growth can be pretty easy.  A clash with my kids or spouse sends up the red flag, but I don’t always know where to go from there.  How do I eliminate the big buts from my life?

In this instance, the answer fell into my lap, but other ideas for change aren’t so easy to find. Some answers require that I look beyond myself. I have developed a habit of regularly reading books, articles and blogs on marriage and parenting. And I also discuss these issues with other men. You would be surprised at how many of us face the same issues, but we try to find all the answers on our own instead of pooling our knowledge.

The two most important jobs I will ever have are being a husband and being a dad. But I don’t get quarterly reviews in these jobs to let me know where I need improvement.  To grow in both areas, I must live my life with the mindset of a student and keep my ego from standing in the way of accepting improvement ideas. What are the big buts in your life? And what are you doing about them?

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I Am Scared

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screamMy wife recently departed for a mission trip to Africa, and I have to confess that I am scared. I’m scared for her as she faces the threats of Ebola, giant spiders and strange foods prepared thousands of miles from the nearest health inspector. But I am even more scared for myself as I am left in charge of two thigh-high whirling dervishes bearing my last name.

The child-to-adult ration in my home will not be in my favor for 11 days, and that is cause for worry. Braver men than me would not be shaken by these circumstances, but I am at least a little nervous. Truth be told, my kids are actually pretty well-behaved…most of the time.

As with all kids though, they have dark sides. My good kids can devolve into needy, whining, crying, demanding creatures. They become like black holes, sucking the energy and patience right out of me until I devolve into a loud, angry, reactive, unkind, unforgiving creature. It’s not pretty on either side.

Today is day five without my wife, and five days of serving as daddy and mommy has given me a new-found appreciation for my wife’s hard work. There have been some demanding moments, but I’ve had the good fortune of having my parents here to share in the heavy lifting.

When I think of what my wife does day in and day out to take care of me and our kids (without the help of grandparents), it makes me want to bow before her and kiss her feet. Before my wife took this journey, I already had great appreciation for her, telling her regularly how grateful I am for her and for her contributions to our family.

It’s easy when things are going smoothly to pat each other on the back and keep positive. But life does not always go smoothly. It is fraught with trials and turbulence, and true character emerges in these trying moments. I am not always as gracious as I should be when things don’t go according to plan. My grace under fire leaves a lot to be desired.

When I’m sleep deprived, when the kids are screaming, when we wake up to dog puke on the carpet, when we run out of milk, when my wife gets in a fender bender, when the oven breaks down, when work has worn me thin, when I’m sitting in the ER – these are the moments when I most need the courage to extend grace and patience. These are the moments when I need to remember what it was like to walk in my wife’s shoes for 11 days.

The examples above have all happened to me in the past few months, and my responses to these life situations has ranged from gracious to complete jerk. My wife is amazing, and living without her for a few days is a powerful reminder of just how amazing she is. The next time I am in the trenches and my inner jerk wants to show up, I hope I can do better at remembering this truth and remembering these 11 days.

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My Days Are Numbered

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horseshoe

I recently took my son, Alex, to his first Ohio State Football game. It wasn’t really much of a game as OSU dished out a 66-0 whooping to a painfully outmatched Kent State.   But the truth is I didn’t care as much about what was happening on the gridiron as I did about what was happening in the stands.

In section 11A – row 17 – seats 27 & 28, my son and I bonded. We high fived, recapped plays to each other, ate hot dogs, spelled O-H-I-O with our arms and formed memories that will last a lifetime.

Our day in Columbus came at a cost. Tickets to OSU games are not cheap and typically resold well above their face value. Then you have to pay for parking and stadium food. A bottle of “smart water” cost $7, which is about as oxymoronic as anything I can imagine.

Beyond dollars, this game required an investment of time. For us to go to this game, I had to invest an entire Saturday. And with an ever-growing list of to-do items, my weekend time is precious and fleeting.

Even though I enjoy watching football, the thought of spending a whole Saturday accomplishing nothing defies my task-master mentality. But through this investment of time, I did accomplish something; I had a fun day with my son that the two of us will likely remember the rest of our lives.

Time is our most precious commodity – a gift that isn’t promised to us in any set amount. The only guarantee in life is that sooner or later this gift will run out. So how one invests this treasured commodity reveals a great deal about what matters most to them.

There is a Bible verse about time that is one of the guiding tenets in my life – “Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” This Psalm reminds me that my life will be short therefore I should use it wisely. For me, the wisest way I can spend my time is with my wife and children.

In order to protect my time so I can invest it where it matters, I have to establish boundaries. One time thief that continuously threatens to encroach upon the sacred hours spent with my family is my work. I strive every day to protect my family time from my work life, doing all I can to leave at my designated quitting time and to not take work home with me.

This isn’t always easy. Not taking work home means I have to be extremely regimented about how I approach my daily work load. I try to minimize my time spent in meetings where my attendance isn’t required. And when necessary, I work through my lunch. I do everything possible to ensure that I leave at my scheduled end time.

I also have to set boundaries with my own selfish desires. I can be obsessive about cleaning my car, spending hours washing, clay barring, waxing and polishing if I go unchecked. I have more bottles of cleaning products and microfiber towels than any sane man should own.

Beyond car care, I have many other interests that could eat up my time if I allowed. I have a mountain bike quietly collecting dust in my basement, resting next to my bass guitar. And I own more books than I will ever find the time to read. But I choose not to pursue any hobbies or interests that will take me away from my family.

I’ve heard a hundred times that no one ever lies upon their death bed wishing they had spent more time at work or perfecting their golf game. Having the cleanest car on the block is not the legacy I want to leave behind. Clarity comes too late for some, and although I wish I’d come to this realization sooner in my life, I have learned to number my days.

By protecting my time and treating it like the precious commodity that it is, I am able to give it to those who matter the most to me. In 10 years, I won’t remember that my car was dirty when I drove to Columbus, but I will cling tightly to the memories of the day spent with my son.

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I Have Weeds

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weedsI have weeds. My yard is full of them. Since we built our house, I’ve enlisted the help of lawn care professionals to help me get my sod established and keep it weed free. This year, however, my cheapness and my pride conspired to convince me that I didn’t need no stinking lawn care guy!

“I got this,” I reassured myself as I spread chemicals across my lawn in early spring. Now, late summer finds me on my hands and knees plucking dandelions, crabgrass, clover and a half-dozen other weeds that I don’t even recognize. I don’t got this! Dejected and head hung low, I recently mumbled to my wife that I would be contacting a new lawn care company next year.

For me, there’s some connection between my lawn and my pride. One of my husbandly duties is to take care of the lawn. And this is one of those duties that, when done poorly, is on display for all to see.

I find that I worry too much about appearances, and I am not just talking about my lawn. There is a human tendency to want others to think we have it all together. But if we’re not careful, we can spend more time building a façade of well-being than we actually spend working on our well-being.

If you’re not convinced, just look at social media. How many hours are spent posting photos, typing clever comments, checking in at restaurants, liking, sharing and taking surveys? So much time is wasted carefully crafting our images.

We don’t post pictures of us arguing with our spouses or losing our tempers with our kids. Most of us don’t let the world know when we’ve been selfish or when we struggle with addictions. It’s understandable that we don’t broadcast our flaws to the world, but I think it’s important that we share them with someone.

I am guilty of keeping others at arm’s length…not letting people get close enough to see the weeds that have taken root in my life. But I keep hearing this idea that we should “let our mess become our message,” and I am trying to put that idea into action.

I’ve shared with many how my marriage nearly ended in divorce as well as my shortcomings as a husband and father, with the hope that others will identify with my struggles and see how I turned some of those things around.

Everyone is broken. We all have weeds. For some the weeds are in the front yard where everyone can see. Others hide them in the back or keep them neatly manicured so they almost look like grass.

I’m calling a new lawn care guy next year because I’ve realized I don’t know the proper techniques to eradicate the weeds from my lawn. I need someone who’s been there and done that to help me.

In what area of your life do you need someone who’s been there and done that? What struggles have you overcome that you can share with someone who may be struggling in that same area? Don’t let pride keep you from sharing your mess with others.

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Marriage-Changing Event

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b&w holding hands2One of the habits of highly effective people is “sharpening the saw” – investing time and effort in self-renewal. There are many facets of my life that need sharpening, but one area where I have been keenly focused is becoming a better husband.

This weekend I had a pretty vigorous sharpening session as my wife and I attended a day-long “Marriage-Changing Event.” With our kids safely stowed at my parents’ house, we trekked to Chicago and spent our Saturday listening to renowned relationship experts talk about the keys to successful marriage.

I was struck by the sense of urgency among all of the speakers as they discussed the many negative impacts that broken marriages have on couples, their children and our society as a whole. One speaker shared the idea that, “Every divorce is the death of a small civilization.”

This notion that the loss of many small civilizations is contributing to the decline of our large civilization is one of the reasons I write this column. The destructive ripple of divorce leaves irreparable, irrefutable damage in its wake. The statistics on the social ills that result from divorce are too numerous to list here, but they are shocking.

My own marriage nearly became a statistic several years back as the “D-word” was discussed. But through the grace of God, we fought for our marriage and became part of a more encouraging statistic that was shared at the event. A study showed that 80% of couples who nearly divorced but ended up staying together were “very happy” in their marriage.

One of the key concepts I heard repeated through the event was the need for humility. How many fights could be avoided, pain prevented or divorces diverted if we weren’t so strong willed and selfish? One speaker shared that, “The richness of your marriage is in direct proportion to the sacrificial investments you make.”

Our society teaches that comfort and happiness are paramount, so the thought of putting others needs above our own seems foreign. As soon as the going gets tough, the covenant vows of marriage often go out the window. We seek happiness in things, experiences and in other people but like a carrot on a stick happiness eludes us.

I will be the first to tell you that my wife and I don’t have it all figured out. We even experienced some snippiness with each other during our marriage retreat weekend. But we’re both working on cultivating humble hearts that allow us to apologize and quickly forgive one another.

We have come to understand, through many trials, that the joy in our marriage isn’t based on fleeting emotions. Rather, we are learning to submit our wills to serve one another and follow Biblical guidelines for marriage. And because of it, we have achieved levels of intimacy, honesty and hope that eluded us for a decade.

It is so easy to wear down in marriage, to let the drudgery of daily living dull us. It happens to us all. We simply lose focus on what matters most. That’s why I attend events like this, read books on marriage, talk to other married men and practice self-discipline…to stay sharp and to be the man I am called to be.