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In Loving Memory

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skyMy grandpa passed away last week. His obituary was one of several in Wednesday’s newspaper. If he wasn’t my kin, I would have skipped right over the brief description of his life like I skip over most obituaries on most Wednesdays. There’s nothing uncommon about another octogenarian meeting his maker.

But there was something uncommon about Stanley Richard Smith. In fact, my grandpa possessed many traits that are increasingly uncommon in this day and age. As I replay the mental highlight reel of my interactions with the man, several things stand out.

My grandpa was joyful. He had a way about him that drew people in, and he would strike up conversations with complete strangers as if they were lifelong friends.

Whistling, singing and general silliness were the tools of his trade, and he was a master of his happy craft. As a boy, I looked forward to seeing him, because I always knew he was going to make me laugh. And he never disappointed.

Another aspect of my grandpa’s life that stands out was the source of his joy. If you talked to him for more than a few minutes, you would soon learn that he was a committed follower of Christ.

He wasn’t just a guy who called himself a Christian and was dragged into church once a week. He was a man who pursued a relationship with Christ – who modeled his life after the teachings of Christ.

I know he held other jobs, but ever since I can remember, he was a preacher. Long  after he retired from ministry and no longer led a congregation, he was still preaching…not through eloquent speeches but through his actions and his kindness.

Even into his 80’s, he was still visiting “old people” (his words) in hospitals and retirement homes using his gift of gab and his kind heart to bring peace to people in painful times.

He never led a mega church or authored any books. He never sought to make a name for himself or to get rich. He humbly followed the call he felt God had placed on his life. And he changed the world, one life at a time – one interaction at a time.

His influence started in his home where he modeled for his son how to be a good husband and showed his daughters the kind of man they deserved to marry. As the son of one of his daughters, I have indirectly been a student of his teachings. The life lessons he passed on have been passed on to me, and I am now striving to pass those lessons on to my children.

In this way, my grandpa’s beliefs, his words, his actions and his character will ripple through eternity passing from generation to generation. And even if our lineage were to end, his influence would not. He impacted lives in ways that he probably never knew. The kindness he shared, the joy he radiated, the biblical truths that he spoke undoubtedly changed the courses of the lives he encountered.

Most of us, like my grandpa, don’t lead high profile lives filled with adventure. For most, life is a collection of seemingly mundane, routine days. But our sphere of influence is greater than we realize. Our words and actions can, and will, change the trajectories of the lives we encounter whether we realize it or not.

When my obituary shows up in the Wednesday paper, I hope that people can skip right over it, because my life story won’t be told by a couple paragraphs of print. But like Stanley Richard Smith, I pray my story will carry on through the lives I’ve touched.

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Why I Keep Going to Marriage Conferences

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megaphoneA couple weeks ago, my wife and I attended our fourth marriage conference. Having been to so many of these, I thought a free t-shirt might be in order. I was wrong.

One might think after my third conference, I would be a subject matter expert and wouldn’t need to attend any more of these events. But I am a slow learner.

Every time I leave one of these conferences, I take away something different, because the messages strike me differently depending on the context of my life. Each of the events met me at a different stage in my marriage, and each gave me different ideas for how to be a better husband.

This weekend’s message about the different communication needs of men and women struck me right between the eyes, because in the context of my own marriage, I still struggle in this area. The need for improvement really hit me on the car ride home after the first day’s session.

Jody and I had a small disagreement that led to a long silent car ride home.  A half hour feels like an eternity when you are in a car with your spouse who is giving you the cold shoulder.

I felt so ashamed to be that couple that gets in a fight on the way home from a marriage conference…to be the husband who still doesn’t get it. So I thought, why not put it in writing and share with anyone interested? This is who we are, warts and all. My hope is that sharing our junk with others will give hope to someone somewhere.

This particular tiff started over something so small, but don’t they always? I won’t go into all the details, but non-verbal communication was at the core of the disagreement. Because I am so quiet, my wife is often left to guess what my actions mean. And my socially-awkward actions sometimes conspire to convince her that I’m not happy with her when that is truly not the case.

So I have to fight against my instinct for quiet solitude and remember to regularly reassure my wife, letting her know that I love her and that I think she is beautiful. Even though I know this to be true, I still struggle to transform this knowledge into action. It just doesn’t come naturally to me.

When the speakers got on stage Saturday morning, they shared that every woman needs this reassurance. To paraphrase the words of Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn, your wife may know you love her, but there will be times when she needs to be convinced and reminded – sometimes repeatedly.

According to the Feldhahns’ research, most women worry that their relationships may be 3-4 arguments away from ending. They need reassured that we would choose them all over again and that we don’t see divorce as an option.

When my wife and I have disagreements like the one we had this Friday night, it’s easy for me to think that the issues stem from her neediness. But this weekend pointed out that my wife’s needs don’t spring from some personality flaw or deficiency. I learned that many of the things that perplex me about my wife are signals that she is feeling insecure about our love or the relationship.

That is why I keep coming back to these conferences, not looking for a free t-shirt, but because I continue to learn how to be a better husband. These events spark dialogue between us, and they increase my understanding of the fairer sex. What man couldn’t use that?

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Fear Not

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alex fishing2The sea was angry that day, my friends. Well, angry probably isn’t the right word for it…more like serene. The waters were pretty calm that morning as my son (Alex) and I waded knee-deep in the Gulf of Mexico.

On a recent vacation to Siesta Key, Florida, Alex and I spent the morning scanning the warm coastal waters for minnows.

With a net in hand, we searched the ocean diligently for over two hours trying unsuccessfully to nab at least one of the elusive little fish. During our excursion, Alex had the idea that we should try our luck at the Point of Rocks. It is what it sounds like – a rocky outcropping that forms the southern point of a crescent-shaped beach.

I have been to this beach several times, but I always viewed the Point of Rocks from afar. The idea of leaving the powder-soft sand to venture into unknown rocky depths had no appeal to me.

Don’t judge me; I have delicate feet. But where I saw the potential for scraped up soles, Alex saw the opportunity for adventure. These minnows were Alex’s Moby Dick, beckoning to be caught.

I fought against my instincts for foot preservation, and we trekked all through the craggy coastline. In the process, I did bang up a few toes on the rocks and scraped my heel pretty good, but they were just flesh wounds. The whole time we were walking through the rocks, I had to fight my urge to retreat to the sandy shore where I knew no toes would be injured.

But I resisted and we pushed on quite a while, enjoying some much needed father-son bonding time. Ultimately, we still didn’t catch any fish, but Alex enjoyed the adventure. The whole time, I was a breath away from passing along my fears to my son and from ending our fishing venture early. In the end I was so glad that I didn’t let fear keep us from trying something different.

Fear has a funny way of doing that – keeping me from venturing into the unknown. Fear is actually a good thing. It sometimes comes in the form of a biochemical reaction that steers us from danger and helps to keep us alive. It can also be a reminder that we are still alive. Sometimes we can use a little adrenaline jolt to shake us from the sleepy routines of life.

But the fear that most often gets me is the one that keeps me from stepping out of my comfort zone. It is a small, nagging voice that tells me I should avoid failure at all costs and keep to the familiar paths. Fear tells me that I am inadequate, that the risks outweigh the rewards, that the status quo is good enough, that change will require pain. Fear lies.

Did you know that the phrase “Fear not” appears in the Bible 365 times? The authors clearly understand the debilitating power of fear, how fear can take us out of the game. And yet we are challenged to, “Cast [our] burdens on the Lord.”

So if you are like me and find yourself stuck in fear, if anxiety consumes your thoughts, if the unknown is keeping you locked into a life of mediocrity, know that you are not alone. But you should also know that you are called shake off the shackles of fear.

Whether it is something as innocuous as sharing some adventure with your kids or something as life-altering as a career change, don’t let fear determine your next step or prevent you from taking a step. Lives worth living aren’t bound by fear.

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The Customer Is Always Right

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customer b&w

For the 2012 model-year, Honda pulled the wraps off an all-new Civic, and consumers politely asked them to put the wraps back on. Automotive journalists were much less polite, using words like bland, cheap-feeling, unadventurous and lackluster to describe the car.

The most-oft critiqued aspects of the model were the exterior styling, cheap interior, harsh ride and excessive road noise. Honda took notice. But they didn’t just take notice, they took action.

Major changes in automotive design usually move at glacial speeds, taking around three years from conception to implementation. However in an unprecedented 18 months, Honda released a refreshed Civic that addressed the major quips from naysayers.

One of Honda’s most meaningful measures for success is what they call “Lifetime Owner Loyalty.” In other words, are their customers coming back to buy their products? To achieve this loyalty, they continuously gauge their customer’s satisfaction with their products and with their service experiences. And they take the customer’s opinion of their product seriously.

What would it look like if we all did the same thing in our marriages? What if we treated our spouses as if they were our customers, and we actively sought to understand and exceed their expectations?

Marriage will be the most important contractual agreement that most of us will ever enter into. Yet we will spend more time researching and buying our next car than we will dedicate to reading up on how to be a better spouse.

Many of us act like salesmen when we are dating. We polish ourselves up, put on our best behavior and shamelessly promote our selling points. Then we close the deal and eventually stop caring about whether or not the customer is pleased with the product.

There’s no lemon law in marriage. You can’t take back a dud spouse once the deal is penned. But divorce has become a viable option for many as the luster of a new marriage fades. I would venture to say that most marriages that end in divorce do so largely because of dissatisfaction caused by unmet needs. My marriage almost ended for that very reason.

It took me more than a decade to ask my wife, “What are your top ten needs?” I made assumptions about her needs and how she received love based on my needs and how I receive love. I used to always wash our dishes, thinking I was showing love through my act of service. But Jody wasn’t receiving love. She needs to hear that I love her and that I find her beautiful – needs that I was woefully inept at filling.

If I were to run a business this way, dishing out a product based on assumptions and failing to keep my finger on the pulse of the customer, the business likely would have collapsed in much less than a decade. And yet, I pushed through a decade of marriage without once truly seeking the input of my sole customer.

If you are in tune with your spouse’s needs, good for you. I am too…finally. But if you have never asked your spouse to identify his/her top needs, do it today. Have them write the needs on paper, and you do the same with your own needs. Then carve out an hour when you won’t be distracted by kids, work or electronic diversions, and talk through your list, sharing what each need means and specifically how it can be met. I promise, your spouse will be glad you asked.

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Truth Hurts So Good

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mirror2American Idol makes me sad. It wasn’t always this way. I used to love watching the auditions as I was drawn to singers belting out raw emotions a cappella style.

I was also drawn to the other end of the spectrum – those who were so horrific that the sounds coming from their mouths could hardly be interpreted as singing.

However several years ago, the show lost me. The good singers all seemed a little too polished, and the bad…well, they started to make me sad. I began to feel like I was in high school watching the cool kids picking on the losers while I sat by and did nothing. Actually worse than doing nothing, I was laughing at those poor schmucks.

Some of the contenders on the show aren’t only terrible singers but appear to be suffering from mental disorders. What form of psychosis would convince a tone-deaf person to stand in line for countless hours with the honest belief that they have the talent to win a singing competition?

Schizophrenia, bi-polar disorder, megalomania and narcissistic personality disorder are among the conditions that are characterized by grandiose delusions and unreal self-images. I don’t know how many of the folks on Idol could actually be diagnosed with any of these conditions, but I do know that narcissism is alive and well in America.

The true American idol is self. We worship at the altar of ME in our nation. Our collective notions of entitlement and rights can be so strong that they can distort reality. And seeing the fits that some of Idol rejects throw when they are fed a dose of reality is symptomatic of our over-coddled, self-indulgent culture.

What’s most sad about the delusional blokes who sing like Patrick Star (Spongbob’s BFF) but hear the voice of a rock star is that they don’t have anyone in their lives to tell them not to audition for American Idol. How sad is that? No one loves them enough to say three little words they need to hear –You can’t sing!

We all need someone to be a voice of reason in our lives, because all of us can lose touch with reality or lose our ability to see things objectively. My wife (Jody) often represents that voice of reason in my life, and I consider myself to be pretty self-aware.

Believe it or not, there are times when I don’t think rationally. I let bitterness take hold of me. I can worry excessively. I’m not a very social person and struggle to maintain friendships. I can be overly harsh with my kids.

These are all areas where I’ve lost perspective and where my wife has stepped in to lovingly point out things that I couldn’t see myself. Jody loves me enough to give me some hard truths when I need them. We all need someone to do that in our lives.

I would guess that most of us have some narcissistic tendencies or blind spots in our lives where we fail to see things for what they really are. Maybe we justify why our bad habits aren’t so bad or explain away any feedback we have received that’s not consistent with the image we have of ourselves. It’s easy to think ‘It’s them – not me.’

The causes for narcissistic personality disorder are unknown, but one recent study points to a couple possible causes as “overindulgence and overvaluation by parents” and “excessive admiration that is never balanced with realistic feedback.” While most of us probably don’t suffer from a personality disorder, we could all benefit from realistic feedback in our lives.

As parents, spouses and friends, we can show love by keeping it real. That doesn’t mean that we should go around giving everyone a piece of our mind. But when we see someone we care about heading down a wrong path, being self-destructive or allowing themselves to be victimized, we should let them know how we see the situation.

Loving honesty requires tact, timing and carefully chosen words. Even delivered in the right spirit, it can sometimes be received wrong. But we owe it to our loved ones to give them the truth, even when it’s difficult to deliver.

Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. – Ephesians 4: 25 (NIV)

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Urine Trouble

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chewyI have come in contact with more pee in the last 48 hours than anyone should ever have to encounter outside of a biohazard suit. I’ve stepped in it repeatedly, cleaned it off the carpet at least half a dozen times and transported clothing and bedding that were sopping with it. This is dad life.

Actually, my life was filled with very few involuntary urine encounters until recently. About a month ago we got a puppy. And curiously, around that same time, my potty-trained three-year-old started regressing and having accidents of her own. I’m beginning to think she’s conspiring with the dog against me.

This weekend, my wife (Jody) left me at home with our two kids and our Golden Retriever for a day and a half while she went to a conference. Jody had certainly earned some time away, and I was glad to give her a break from motherhood, if only a brief one. She works part time and then comes home to a full-time job serving the needs of a three-year-old, an eight-year-old, yours truly and now a puppy.

Puppies are awesome until you own one. I had forgotten how much I really don’t like having a puppy in my house until this last month.

Our last dog passed away back in November, and I had intended on taking a hiatus from being a dog owner. But that break only lasted about two months before the high-pressure sales pitches from the rest of my household started.

I made the mistake of showing the slightest crack in my anti-dog stance, and now my hiatus is over. It’s funny how I can say no to an army of Kirby vacuum cleaner salesmen, but my wife and kids can break me so easily.

At least I was allowed to name the dog, so there is still some illusion of power there. Now we have the most awesomely-named dog on the block – Chewbacca!

We call him Chewy for short, and he lives up to his name. He chews on everything in his path, including my kids. The chewing drives me even crazier than dealing with the potty messes. At least the urine can be cleaned up, mostly. Puppy teeth marks are more permanent. And with every bite mark, I see visions of dollar bills being tossed into a fire.

That is how my mind works. I have a tendency to oversimplify things and to see the negative more than the positive. And after a day and a half of seeing things around our house getting chewed or peed on, I painted a gloomy picture in my mind.

I envisioned our savings account dwindling to nil as we replaced furniture and flooring. I imagined a world where I would encounter dog or kid urine for the rest of my days. And frankly between my anxiety and fatigue, I lost my cool more than I care to admit during this time.

By the time my wife returned from her trip, she had to talk me down off the ledge. That’s one of the many things I love about her. When I let worries snowball in my mind, she gently brings me back to reality. When I get consumed with money and stuff, she reminds me that life isn’t about money or stuff.

Jody keeps me pointed towards the things that matter most in my life. My relationship with my kids ranks near the top of that list, and it is for our children that we got this puppy in the first place. My kids absolutely love Chewy, and truth be told, I do too. I have to learn to take the bad with the good and remember that into each life, some pee must fall.

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Love Is Owning a Snake

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heart snakeUnder my roof reside four humans, a dog and snake. You read that right. There is a snake in my house that I am not allowed to kill…that we feed…that has a name…that we paid money for…and that lives in my son’s room.

By now you’ve probably guessed that owning a snake was not one of the items on my bucket list. The idea of welcoming a creature into our home that could indeed aid one in kicking the bucket is far from logical to me.

But if I’ve learned anything in 15 years of marriage and in 8 years of parenting, it’s that love defies logic.

Love drives people to do crazy things like selling your sports car, spending a week with in-laws, holding your wife’s purse in public and, in extreme cases, becoming a snake owner.

I never thought the term “snake owner” would be attached to my name. That seemed like a title reserved for crazies like Alice Cooper, Brittany Spears or Jake the Snake. But I am the owner (by association) of a 3-foot long, female Ball Python named Pebbles.

Though I am anti-snake, my eight-year-old son (Alex) loves them. He is enthralled by pretty much all creatures, especially those that are potentially lethal.

Where snakes send chills up my spine, they excite Alex. He’s even caught one (non venomous) in the wild with his bare hands!

After months of me saying “NO” to snake ownership, my wife and I eventually reached an agreement with my son in the Great Snake Debate. We told Alex that if he saved half of the money needed to buy a snake and habitat, we would pay for the other half. In my short-sightedness, I forgot that my wife’s family almost always gives Alex a decent chunk of change for every birthday. And now I am a snake owner.

I don’t pretend to love having a snake in our home. But I do support my son’s interests. I am happy to read books or watch shows about snakes with him. I have taken him to see a herpetologist (reptile scientist) speak. And over the last few summers we have gone repeatedly to a local creek where snakes hang out so we can hunt them.

Love is a powerful motivator. It drives us to put other’s needs and wants above our own. In this case, love overrode my good horse sense and my instincts for self-preservation to the delight of my son. My sacrifice has been his joy.

I have overheard him in conversations with his peers speaking with pride about his reptile. He even works it into conversations with people he’s just met. Being a snake owner is a proud part of his identity, a scaly green badge of courage.

Alex talks about becoming a herpetologist himself someday.   I don’t know if that passion will persist in him. Perhaps he will fall off the snake bandwagon one day. But what I do know is that he will be taking his python with him when he moves out of our house. These things live 20-30 years!

I also know that I’ve helped to feed an interest in my son that has developed into a passion. I could have easily snuffed that passion before it ignited. But a little self-sacrifice has kindled his interest and is serving to shape his identity. He is a snake owner and proud of it!

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Wanna Fight…Again?

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animal fightWinston Churchill once famously stated, “Those who fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” While Churchill was talking about the fate of nations, the fate of marriage can also benefit from this observation.

Do you ever feel like you are having the same arguments over and over in your marriage? I know my wife and I have felt that way. Our disagreements often take the same form.

We share a few curt, stinging words with each other, withdraw and give each other the silent treatment until one of us breaks and admits our faults.

We have gotten much better at breaking this cycle, but for many years this unhealthy pattern played out again and again in our marriage. It didn’t matter what the trigger was. Simple acts like loading the dishwasher or speaking in the wrong tone of voice would set one of us off. And like clockwork, two days of silence would ensue.

I recently read a book called 5 Days to a New Marriage, in which the author assigned a name to this chain of events. He called it the “Pain Cycle.” The premise is that through interactions with our parents, siblings and peers during our formative years, we have engrained a certain reaction to emotional pain.

Because our brains are designed to react quickly to painful stimuli, we normally default to whatever our learned response is to emotional pain. Often that default reaction isn’t healthy.

Painful encounters with our spouse can dredge up feelings of failure, inadequacy, disconnectedness, hopelessness and insecurity that are rooted in childhood. And once those feelings arise we react with our default coping behaviors, which for me and Jody included getting defensive, withdrawing and isolating.

Our Pain Cycles tend to feed off of each other and spiral us further and further away from our spouse. The author claimed that most marriages have the same fight over and over. Though there are many triggers for the arguments, the triggers almost always produce identical results.

In that light, it is easy to apply Prime Minister Churchill’s statement to marriage. When we fail to properly look back at our personal history to understand the source of our actions, we are doomed to repeat them.

These actions are sometimes repeated ad nauseam until one, or both, of the spouses give up on the marriage. Then those same actions are often dragged into second and even third marriages.

An important first step in eradicating these unwanted behaviors is understanding their origins. As Socrates said, “Know thyself.”

Time spent in introspection revealed to me the lasting effects of being a preacher’s kid, an army brat and one who stood about a foot taller than my peers through elementary school. I often felt like I was on the outside, and conflict with my wife drags up some of those same feelings.

Acknowledging the past, we then we have to work to form new ways of thinking to break this cycle. Neuroscience has revealed that our patterns of thinking become physically engrained in our brains. Just as walking through a field over and over will wear a rut, thinking the same thoughts over and over creates a well-worn path of least resistance.

To get out of that rut, we must establish a new reaction to emotional pain, one that is born not out of past hurt but is rooted in Biblical truths. We are not alone. We are loved. We are worthy. And we must repeat these truths over and over until they have forged new paths that allow us to react to conflict in new, healthier ways.

Conflict is inevitable. Even when we love our spouses dearly, we will eventually clash over differing opinions. How we chose to react to these clashes has a major impact on the health of our marriage. Do we continue to have the same fight over and over? Or do we diffuse the conflict by fixing our half of the marriage?

Diverting from the path we have always traveled to forge a new way of thinking is difficult. It inherently means we will encounter resistance, and we will want to go back to the way we’ve always done things. But with practice, new habits become easier and easier.

“Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time, we will reap a harvest if we do not give up” (Galatians 6:9).

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Different By Design

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yin yang2Unless you have been living on another planet, you’ve likely heard the term “Men are from Mars – Women are from Venus.”

Even as a kid, I remember a less cerebral version of this saying that we chanted on the playground: “Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider! Boys go to Mars to get more candy bars!” Perhaps instead of going to Mars, we boys should have gone to English class to learn grammatically correct methods of insulting the girls.

One of my favorite illustrations of gender differences comes in the form of a song from comedian Sean Morey. Titled “He Said, She Said,” the song brings light to how men and women communicate differently. Here are a few lines:

She said, “You look handsome today dear.”  –  He heard, “I just bought something really expensive.”

He said, “I’m thinking about buying a motorcycle.”  –  She heard, “I’m in the mood for a BIG fight.”

She said, “It was fun visiting your mother.”  –  He heard, “You owe me big time!!”

He said, “Would you mind squeezing the toothpaste from the bottom?”  –  She heard, “Do you mind living with an anal-retentive neurotic?”

There are many sayings and jokes that all drive home the point that men and women, boys and girls are very different creatures. Even as children, gender differences are vast, and that divide grows even wider with age.

We think, speak, act, remember and approach problems differently. We relate to others differently. And we give and receive love differently.

When you add into the mix each person’s unique upbringings, life experiences, cultural differences, age gaps and birth order, it starts to seem like a miracle that any marriage stands the test of time. And yet, they do survive…and even thrive. We are different by design.

The first chapter of the Bible gives insight into our design. Verse 27 reads, “God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.” Men and women each uniquely possess traits that reflect the nature of our Creator.

At birth, before society has implanted any notion of gender roles, we are intentionally wired differently. The design of marriage is to join those different traits to make us better than we could be on our own.

My wife and I are certainly have contrasting backgrounds and personalities. And while those differences sometimes lead to disagreements in our marriage, they also serve us well. I am a very cautious, neat, solitary, calculating person who tends to be a little too clinical and tentative. My wife on the other hand is a very spontaneous, fun, outgoing, loving person who others are immediately drawn too.

Sometimes our differences make it difficult to understand each other’s motives or to see life through the other’s eyes. But when we are able to assume the best in each other and not let our differences divide us, those differences become strengths that push us toward growth.

If not for my wife, I would have let fear or anxiety sideline me on multiple occasions. She challenges me and calls me to action. I am learning from her what it means to demonstrate love. If not for me, my wife likely would have declared bankruptcy years ago. And the seed for her faith was planted by me. The combination of head and heart that we bring to our marriage has made us so much better than we could be on our own.

The Gestalt psychologist Kurt Koffka was famous for his idea that, “The whole is other than the sum of its parts.” This notion is perfect for marriage as two very different parts unite to form a whole that is more complete and well-rounded than the individuals are alone. And that whole is closer to God’s image than the parts can ever hope to be.

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Don’t Be An Ass

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I am a stubborn man. Truth be told, I sometimes walk a really thin line between stubborn and stupid.

A few years back, that line became really blurry when I injured myself during a canoeing trip.

I wore flip flops on that fateful day, which any experienced canoer will tell you is not smart. A dry summer had left the water so low that I frequently found myself outside the canoe pushing or pulling the vessel through low points in the river.

With my flip flops continually slipping off my feet, I tossed them in the boat and went barefoot.

You can probably guess what happened next. A couple miles into the trip, I gashed the bottom of my foot on a broken bottle.

This was no surface wound, and most of my friends cringed at the seriousness of the cut. Everyone advised that a hospital visit should be in my very near future, but I had a different idea.

You see, I have a stubborn (some may say stupid) aversion to seeking help from medical professionals. And frankly, I didn’t want to endure the pain or cost (in money or time) of getting stitches.

Although basic sense told everyone else who looked at my wound that I needed stitches, I was sure it was nothing a Band-Aid and some Neosporin couldn’t handle. After a week of cleaning and bandaging, my foot still hurt a lot and wasn’t healing well.

But I was already learning to live with it. I changed my walk to avoid putting pressure on that area and began to accept that I might always have some pain when I walked.

One night while cleaning my wound, I decided to look deeper into the cut to see how the healing was going on the inside. That’s when I discovered that there was still a piece of glass in my foot that I’d been walking on for well over a week.

Goodbye stubborn, hello stupid!

Now I can look back at this incident and laugh at what a fool I was, but it was far less funny when I realized I had been doing the same thing in my marriage. Over a decade, my marriage slowly drifted from the honeymoon phase to complacency to contempt on our worse days.

We were suffering from a wound that we tried to ignore and slap Band-Aids on, but there was something below the surface we were failing to address.

In my mind, I explained the complacency away and learned to live with the pain as we gradually adjusted to this existence. Our marriage was never terrible, but it was far from great.

My wife (Jody) and I both eventually settled for a state of quiet desperation. Tragically, more marriages exist in this state than you might imagine.

As Jody and I have been sharing our story with others and attempting to use our nearly-failed marriage to bring healing, it has become apparent that this quiet desperation is an epidemic.

When the shininess of marriage grows dull and the veil of illusion is lifted from our spouse, many of us find ourselves living in mediocre, unfulfilling marriages…and we just accept it.

At this point, there are three basic paths one can take: get divorced, accept mediocrity or start fighting for a great marriage.

Divorce seems like an easy out when the going gets tough.  While many of us just keep plodding along, choosing to live with the pain instead of seeking to identify and eliminate the source.

When discontent eventually led me and Jody to the brink of divorce, we decided to start putting in the hard work to make our marriage better.

This road is not easy. It calls for a great deal of humility to really assess one’s flaws as a spouse and as a person. The honesty required to chip away at years of half-truths and niceties can be extremely painful. And maintaining open, meaningful dialogue on a regular basis is downright hard work…especially for men.

We sought professional counseling, read numerous books on marriage, dedicated one night a week to talking and basically absorbed any information we could find on how to become better spouses.

The thought of all this work and the potential pain that comes from looking into our wounds is enough to keep many couples living on the surface, trapped in mediocrity. I know it kept me stuck for more years than I care to admit.

My encouragement for anyone who finds themselves in this kind of existence is to choose the narrow path. Begin to do the hard work to transform your relationship into the marriage that God intended for you to have.

Don’t let fear or comfort keep you stuck in mediocrity. Don’t ignore that feeling that your marriage isn’t what it should be. And don’t let stubbornness keep you from seeking help.

But don’t be stubborn and stupid like horses and mules who, if not reined by leather and metal, will run wild, ignoring their masters. – Psalm 32:9 (VOICE)