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Life’s A Beach

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I am tan. It is almost a freakish, George Hamilton kind of tan.

I just returned from a two-week vacation in Florida where my family paid homage to the great fiery ball in the sky by basking in its rays for longer than humans probably should.

We all survived without any major sunburns though. And we got to spend some much-needed time recharging our batteries while hanging out with our extended family.

I am actually not much of a beach guy. I go to the beach every year because my family loves it, but I would rather spend my vacation exploring our world. I know – the sacrifices I am willing to make for my family!

There are, however, things I definitely enjoy about our beach vacations. Seeing family, digging giant holes in the sand, consuming mass quantities of aquatic life and not being at work top the list. I also like to simply float in the ocean. I go beyond the breaking waves, lay on my back, close my eyes and just float.

It is relaxing to me. I am becoming more buoyant with age, so it is easy to drift in the ocean with very little effort.

At some point though, a wave hits me or I find that I have drifted awkwardly close to another family. So I have to get upright, gain my bearings and figure out how far I’ve traveled from my condo.

Because inevitably as soon as my feet lift off the sandy ocean floor, I begin to drift. This year as I lay atop the salty sea floating farther and farther from my family, it occurred to me how easily it is to drift in life. This happens regularly in my marriage.

Through 17 years of marriage, if I have learned anything, it is that I have to be deliberate and intentional to be a good husband. I cannot just float through my marriage and hope for the best, because as soon as I stop working at it, I begin to drift.

Much like the ocean, there are forces at play beneath the surface that will drag us far from home if we are not actively working against the tide. Our lives are awash with commitments, addictions, hobbies and a myriad of distractions that, like an undertow, will pull us from our spouses.

I floated through the first decade of my marriage. I thought bringing home paychecks, not cheating on my wife and taking her on a date once a year made me a pretty good husband.

I was wrong.

I drifted for years before I finally realized just how far I had gotten from my wife.

And I still have natural tendencies like introversion, selfishness and pride that will set me adrift if I don’t actively fight against them.

For me, the best ways to stand firm against the tide are to ensure I’m rooted through daily prayer, intentional communication with my wife and regular reminders (through classes or books) of what makes a great husband.

Have you drifted in any areas of your life? What are you doing to get back to shore? What should you be doing?

 

 

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Be the Change

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One of the most tattoo-worthy quotes to ever emblazon a meme is, “Be the change.” Shortened from “Be the change you wish to see in the world,” the origin of this quote is apparently misattributed to Gandhi.

If you want to waste 20 minutes of your life as I did, you can read the raging debates among internet scholars to arrive at the same conclusion I did – who cares? The origin of this quote does not matter. It could have come from Dr. Phil, Forrest Gump or Miley Cyrus for all I care.

What matters is that it is a beautifully simple, profound suggestion. If you want to see change in the world around you, become an agent of that change. Duh!

It is so simple, yet putting this idea into practice seems too difficult for most of us to bother. After all, what can one person do to affect change? Can we really change the world?

The answer to that question is an unequivocal YES. We can absolutely change the world. Now we may not alter the course of human events or earn a page in history books, but we have the power to change the world of those around us.

We all have spheres of influence in which we can create change. I think of this sphere like a body of water.

Some of us live in small ponds where the shores of our influence might not be wide-spread. While some of our social circles are more like large lakes. Every action we take has some impact on that body of water, like tossing a stone into its depths.

Our more mundane actions cast pebbles into the water leaving little ripples that dissipate quickly. But some of the choices we make or the words we let fly are like boulders crashing through the water’s surface. The waves are large and far-reaching. If you are married, your spouse is probably most affected by your waves.

Within that relationship often lies the greatest opportunity to change the world. Over the last couple of years, I have had several men share with me that their marriages were hurting and heading towards divorce. Without fail, those conversations inevitably turned to complaints about what their wives do or don’t do to contribute to their marital strife.

My advice, without fail, is “you need to focus on you.”

If we want our relationships to change, we have to change. I can almost guarantee that those wives who weren’t living up to their husbands’ expectations could share similar lists about their husbands’ shortcomings.

Put another way, “If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always got.” That line is a little too long for a tattoo, but the sentiment is similar.

We have the power to change our world for the better. But if we don’t change, we can’t expect our relationships to change.

You want to change the world? Do it.

Start today by being unexpectedly kind and gracious to your spouse regardless of how they act towards you.

Stop complaining. Drop an annoying habit. Pick up a healthy discipline. Pray for your spouse daily. Hug more. Go on more dates. Talk more. Be the change.

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My Kind of Minimalism

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Last week Jody and I watched a film called Minimalism: A Documentary About the Important Things. This was not a feel-good piece, but the movie was definitely thought-provoking.

At the film’s end Jody posed a simple question, “What are you going to do about it?”

I don’t yet know the specific answer to that question, but my general answer is ‘something.’ I want to do something about it.

For the uninitiated, The Minimalists are a couple of former corporate lackeys who exited the rat race, forgoing their six-figure salaries and their cocoons of comfortable possessions to pursue more meaningful lives.

According to their own words, Minimalism is, “a lifestyle that helps people question what things add value to their lives. By clearing the clutter from life’s path, we can all make room for the most important aspects of life: health, relationships, passion, growth, and contribution.”

This was a fitting film to watch during Lent. The forty days we spend in this season are meant to be more intentional and more focused. We strip away the habitual and nonessential to clear the path to clarity during these weeks.

These 40 days represent the time Jesus spent in the wilderness enduring temptation. During his time in the desert, He was promised all the kingdoms and riches of the world if He would only compromise his principles. Yet He didn’t waiver to the allure of excess.

Before the documentary’s credits were even done rolling, Jody was ready to put a For Sale sign in our yard. While I am not quite ready to make that leap, the idea of stripping away unnecessary spending and the resulting clutter has great appeal to me.

As I traversed this Lenten season, stripping away the unessential was a focal point. But my brand of minimalism has been focused on mental and emotional clutter. I am thinking less of the things I need to remove from my life and more of thoughts that are weighing me down.

What lies are keeping me stuck?

What unhealthy mental patterns play out in my life?

What areas of my life have I put on cruise control?

Where do I need to grow? What is keeping me from growing?

What unimportant pursuits am I allowing to steal my time?

What habits should I let go of?

What thoughts should I let go of?

These are the questions that have been burning in my mind during Lent – questions further stoked by this documentary. What mental and emotional baggage am I carrying that is cluttering up my life?

I struggle with self-inflicted anxiety and stress. I worry too much about what people think about me and often overcompensate as a result. These stressors lead me to be impatient and angry, sometimes with the folks I love the most.

These are just a few pieces of the baggage I carry – the clutter that creates discontent in my life.

What am I going to do about it?

Something…definitely something.

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The Journey of a Thousand Miles Begins With a Single Step – A Big Scary Step

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My faith journey has been a long, difficult road. I started out strong as a kid, but in my teen years I began a prolonged detour that lasted into my 30s.

One of my personality traits that has made this journey difficult is my fear of large tasks.

Whether it is home repair, work projects or self-improvement, I look at undertakings that require many steps and many hours of work, and paralysis sets in – keeping me from taking the first step.

Or I may take the first couple steps but leave the job undone. My wife loves it when I do that with home projects.

When it came to my faith, I saw the ideal state that I wanted to attain; I saw my broken state.  There was a light year between the two, and part of me thought, “I will never get there.”

But when I finally fully committed to this journey, I completely changed my view of the destination.

I used to look at Christianity like it was joining a karate dojo. I thought you mastered certain disciplines, demonstrated that mastery to your sensei and were awarded a new belt until you worked your way up to black belt status. There were so many belts between white and black that I couldn’t muster the energy to work on the first discipline.

Now I see my commitment to this journey much differently. To me faith is more of a compilation of many little choices that I make each day.

Every day I face dozens of decisions. The instant I wake up, I am presented with choices: Do I hit snooze? Do I exercise? Do I read the Bible? Do I go into work early? Do I write a blog?

Some of the decisions I face are significant, while most seem pretty mundane. But they all have the power to create change. All of my choices create some ripple in the universe, big or small, that will affect me and those around me.

What will I do next? What will I say next? What thoughts will I allow to take up residence in my mind? When I break my journey up into small decisions like this, faith seems a lot less intimidating.

I will be the first to tell you that I don’t always make the best decisions. Some of the paths I take are selfish or lazy. I don’t always think about what the impact will be to my wife or my kids.

Sometimes words escape my mouth that I wish I could take back. Sometimes I lose sight of the bigger picture.

But I choose more right paths than wrong. As a result, the overall trajectory of my journey is positive. I am continually moving towards growth even with all the backward steps I take. The man I want to become isn’t some far-off destination. He is here now – being formed one small decision at a time.

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On the Road Again

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As I write this, I am 35-thousand feet above the ground hurtling away from my family at a rate of 450 miles per hour, bound for Los Angeles.

I remember a time in my life when I thought this was cool – visiting far-off places, eating funky foods and breaking from the routine of life. While I still enjoy those things, they are most enjoyable when shared with my wife.

I am en route to a business meeting that will consist of around 60 of my peers. Confession time – I am not a fan of business trips. But I bet if I were to poll my peers on how much they enjoy business trips, I would get a variety of responses.

Some of these folks likely share my distaste for business travel. For some this trip is probably a welcome break. It may be an escape from a chaotic home situation.

There are homes filled with newborn cries. There is the stress of sick or aging parents. There are likely marriages in crisis. There are teenager troubles…terrible twos…teething tots. There is the lingering pain of lost loved ones.

I know this to be true, because my home has been filled with many of these same struggles. Our house is often loud. We often forget to be patient with each other. We fail to recognize that others in the house might have had an even worse day than we did.

On any given day, there can be all sorts of challenges awaiting me when I walk through the door.

But I love it. The highlight of most of my days is when I walk through that door.

As crazy as my home can be, it is also a source of peace in my life. It is the space where I get to fulfill my greatest calling. It is where I practice humility, patience and grace – where I can fail miserably at those traits and know I won’t be fired. It is where I am a respected leader and where I am being led.

It is my oasis. And I do everything in my power to ensure I spend as much time there as possible.

I work extremely hard to protect my time with my family. This means I can carry a lot of stress at work as I do all in my power to leave on time each day. Time management is essential in my life.

When it’s not possible to complete my weekly work within 40 hours, I go in early (versus staying late) to add productive time. If I don’t have minutes to spare, I avoid small talk and stay laser-focused on my tasks. I work through lunches, and I don’t schedule meetings that aren’t essential.

I go to great lengths and shoulder a lot of weight to consistently walk through my garage door around the same time each evening.

And it is so worth it. My greatest achievements each day don’t happen at work. They happen in my home when I am present with my wife and kids. I cannot wait to get home!

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I Quit

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Effective January 1st, I retired.  No, I didn’t leave my 9-5 job.  I quit a brief, but illustrious, career as a zombie slayer.

You see, a couple months back I loaded an app onto my phone that launched me into a post-apocalyptic world where I had to survive zombie attacks and raids from opposing camps. I quickly learned the ropes and hardened into a grizzled survivor.

My team grew in strength. I collected better weapons.  I annihilated opposing crews, leaving bodies in my wake.  I joined a faction and rose through its ranks.  Then, with one quick swipe of my finger, I left it all behind.

I realized that I had compromised my real life in order to build a fictitious empire that amounted to nothing. The goal of game developers is ultimately to get users to spend real money on virtual stuff.  Because I’m so cheap, I refused to spend money on the game, which meant I had to earn stuff the old fashioned way, through the investment of my time.

When I started playing this game, I set out some rules for myself. I vowed that I wouldn’t play when I was spending time with my wife or kids, and I wouldn’t spend any money. The money rule held fast, but I let the other rule slip from time to time.

I found myself sneaking in quick battles during any moments of downtime. Then I noticed I was letting the game seep into other areas of my life. In my car before work, at lunch, in the bathroom, during my morning reading time, when I was supposed to be playing Barbies with my daughter, in bed at night – I was slaying zombies.

The beginning of a new year is a time when many of us take stock of our lives and seek to eliminate bad habits while establishing good practices. It became clear to me shortly after I started playing, that this was a habit that had to go.  Not only was this game distracting, but it was a time stealer.

I shudder to think about how many hours I actually wasted building a kingdom of nothingness on my phone. The game tracked how many ‘raids’ I did, and I’m embarrassed to say that my total was around 1400.  With each battle taking around a minute to complete, that is 23 hours that I threw in the trash can, not to mention the time I spent doing other actions in the game.

The moment I dragged the game’s icon across the screen of my phone into a virtual trash can was so liberating. My time is too precious to fritter away on empty pursuits. There is value in recreation, and video games are not inherently bad.  But I had let this game get out of hand, and I let it steal valuable moments away from me.

What are the zombies stealing time from your life? Do you need to retire from something? If so, there’s no better time than now to make the change.

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How the Cleveland Browns Helped My Parenting

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My son, Alex, is destined for a life of disappointment. At the age of six, he made a critical decision that will haunt him for the rest of his days here on earth. He joined a pack of sad souls whose suffering knows no end.

He became a Cleveland Browns fan.

I’m really not sure how it happened. My wife and I are both Bengals fans, though neither of us is fanatical about football. To put it into perspective, the Bengals are 9-2 (best record in franchise history), and I’ve watched maybe three games this season.

Even though we are not body-painting, short-bus-owning football crazy, Alex is. He is a Browns fan through thick and thin – well let’s face it, mostly thin. With a 2-9 record, this team has created little reason for excitement.

Alex has shed many tears as a result of the Browns’ bungling. The Browns’ home field, FirstEnergy Stadium,  has been dubbed “The Factory of Sadness” for good reason. Once a week, its residents crush the spirit of my little boy.

However, one thing the Browns have done well is provide opportunity for me to step in with fatherly advice. We have had many talks and life lessons for which I can thank the Browns.

Almost weekly, we have a discussion where I attempt to put football into perspective. I share with him that it’s just a game, and in the grand scheme of life, football isn’t that important. Our lives will go on regardless of which team wins.

Alex has had to learn to cope with disappointment and to temper his expectations. These are actually valuable lessons for a boy his age to learn, because most of us will probably encounter seasons in life that looks like a Browns season.

Loss is inevitable. Disappointment is destined to occur. Some of us don’t learn that until we’re adults. So thank you Browns for that life lesson.

Because of Johnny Manziel, I’ve had conversations about alcohol with Alex. We discussed how dumb it can make people act, how it leads people to make really bad decisions and how it can destroy lives. Thank you Browns.

Because of Josh Gordon, I’ve had conversations about marijuana and other drugs with Alex. That’s a hard thing for a seven-year-old to wrap his head around. But now Alex hates drugs. He associates them with stupidity and the loss of the Browns “best player.” So thank you Browns.

We also do a lot of bonding over the Browns that isn’t so heavy. I follow the team pretty closely, even closer than I follow the Bengals, for the sole reason of starting conversations with my son. If I ever want to get him talking, football is a great jumping off point.

I’ve watched more Browns games this year than Bengals, only because it means time spent with Alex. And I secretly root for them on occasion because I want to see him happy.

Alex has suffered through this season like most Browns fans. He’s cried. He’s yelled. He’s called Mike Pettine an idiot. But I’ve been by his side through it all. When he cries, I comfort. When he yells, I bring perspective. I tell him ‘mentally-challenged’ is a nicer word than ‘idiot.’ Thank you Browns for a season of bonding with my son!

 

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Sometimes I Need Smacked – Sometimes A Whisper Will Do

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stooges2A few days ago, my wife described to me a concept she’d read about called a ‘Sacred Echo.’ The idea is that when God communicates with us, the really important messages get repeated over and over – through books, songs, the words of a friend, TV, a sermon at church, a random email, etc.

I explained to my wife that I knew exactly what she meant, having experienced it several times in my own life. But I use a far less elegant term to describe it – ‘God Smack.’

God often has to smack me upside the noggin with a message before the light bulb clicks on above my head.

My life can get so busy, and I can get so focused on insignificant things that I sometimes fail to hear the information being communicated through the world around me. Can you relate?

Most of us have probably experienced moments when an undeniable thread runs through our lives, mending together a patchwork of seemingly random events or encounters. And when we take pause from the disarray of our days to process the pieces into a whole, we realize we are being called to action.

Most often it’s a subtle echo. Occasionally it’s a smack to the head.

One such undeniable calling in my life has been humility. I have been hit with this word many times, and for good reason. I don’t practice it nearly enough.

Like a stooge, I sometimes have to be dragged by the ear and receive a poke to the eyes before I take notice of the need for change in my life.

In the past decade, I’ve received a couple of messages so undeniable that only a fool would fail to heed them. My sister passing away at a young age and my wife telling me she thought we would be better off divorced shook the foundation of my world.

Both helped me see how little I sought to please anyone in this world other than myself. And both were catalysts for major life changes.

HUMILITY – right upside my temple – twice!

These events hurt deeply and led me to realize that I don’t ever want to sit around waiting for a blow to my dome to prompt me to grow.

I am reminded daily of my need for humility when I listen, and that’s what I’ve been trying to do more often -listen.

I tune into my wife’s needs, listening for unspoken cues. I look for how my actions are reflected in my children, for areas I need to change as a parent.

Perhaps most importantly, I respond to internal nudges towards more selfless acts. Well, sometimes I respond to those nudges, and sometimes I still pretend I don’t hear them.  I’m a work in progress.

The world around us whispers to us daily but often gets drowned out by our busyness and self-focus. My suggestion – be vigilant. Keep your ears and eyes open.

What instruction or calling is echoing through your days? Listen for it. Act on it. Save yourself from a smack upside the head.

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My Dog Ate My Marriage

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Six months ago, my wife (Jody) and I decided that our lives were way too calm and predictable. We didn’t own nearly enough things that had been peed on or chewed on. So we decided to remedy all that by purchasing a Golden Retriever puppy.

The first few months of dog ownership were predictably tough. After a couple of weeks of it, I toyed with thoughts of ‘accidentally’ leaving the gate to our fence open so our puppy could answer the call of the wild.

But alas, I never gave into that temptation. I decided to ride it out, believing that he just had to get easier with time.

Our dog, Chewy, isn’t a puppy any more, although he still acts like one in many ways. He certainly lives up to his name, chewing on anything and everything within his reach. The lanky dog’s bite has left impressions on more things in our home than I care to count, including our marriage.

Before we got Chewy, we had developed some habits that helped us focus on our marriage, but those habits promptly evaporated as we had to dedicate time and effort to incorporating the new recruit into our clan.

For the past few years, Jody and I have had a ritual of getting up early to exercise and read. As part of her routine,  Jody would send me an email  nearly every morning, so the first thing I saw when I got to work was some insight into what was going on in her world. And I would respond, giving her a glimpse into my world.

This was a small, yet important, part of our communication that helped create closeness and understanding in our marriage. But the first few months of having a puppy are almost like having a newborn. Our sleep suffered, so we started getting up later to offset the loss of sleep. And Jody’s morning routine now included walking a dog, which meant there was no time to email me.

Another one of our disciplines that suffered was what we call ‘No-Tech Tuesday.’ One night a week we turn off the TV, phones, laptops and tablets and simply talk to each other. We usually have some questions in hand to guide our conversation beyond surface-level chatter, and through this process, we learn what is happening with each other.

This has been a vital way for us to create intimacy and to help me gauge the pulse of our marriage. I believe in this practice so much that I started a web site called no-techtuesday.com. Yet as our time and attention spans were spread thinner, this well-established routine fell.

Losing these two seemingly small practices from our marriage hurt our relationship. As the communication dropped, the distance between us widened. In the absence of intimate conversation, doubt crept it. And I was reminded of the years our marriage spent in the wilderness before we developed these habits.

We got back on the bandwagon recently, and almost instantly, I felt the temperature of our marriage change. It amazes me how we survived so long without these practices. But then, that pretty much sums up the first decade of our marriage – just surviving.

If that is where you find your marriage today, I would encourage you to develop new habits of your own. Find out what your spouse’s greatest needs are, and build new routines into your life that help you meet those needs. Small habits can truly be the difference between surviving and thriving.